#1 Problem in New Marriages

This post is about the number one problem I hear most newly married couples complaining about.

It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.

My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.

I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.

When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or  "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.

In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.

The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).

So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."

I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"

But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.

Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page. 

Family Trepidation...I Mean Traditions

Aren't the holidays perfect. Family, friends, cousins, in-laws, his grandparents, my dad's house, his uncle's house, my mom's house, my cousin's at our house...you get the picture. Discussing where to go and what to do for the holidays is no easy task and can cause spontaneous combustion.

Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.

Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:

1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.


2. Decide that your spouse is number one. 
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.

If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.

Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.

3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.

4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.

I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier  for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.

Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Connecting by Communicating

My husband, Karl, and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have learned a lot about how to handle each other thus far. One of the biggest challenges has been in the communication department. When we were first married, I would share problems with Karl. He would listen and attempt to solve the problem I had. I think many new husbands would agree this makes sense as a loving response. Of course a loving husband wants to "fix" any problems his new wife has. The thing is (and I think wives would agree), I'm not looking for a solution or action to be taken immediately. What I most want is for him to hear me. I want him to show me that he understands the emotions I am feeling. I want to feel connected with him over the issues I'm sharing.

Obviously we approached the marriage with two different perspectives on communication. The way that we started to tackle this problem (yes, with solution based action steps) was by communicating what we wanted and what we expected. We had conversations about our conversations. Slowly, we realized that we had very different perspectives on the matter. Karl started to ask me, "Am I suppose to listen or solve?" and I would respond, "This is the listening activity." Mind you, tone of voice matters here! These simple changes have begun to clear some things up for us.

I should point out I'm not always in need of a husband who "just" listens. Sometimes I want him to take action. Like when I say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" I can just hear him now, "This is a listening activity right?" (oh the joy he gets out of teasing me).

I encourage others to have conversations about their conversations. Think of it as a strategy for your marriage. Remember, you're on the same team as your significant other.