For the Ladies: How to Motivate Your Husbands

I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I think can help change the course of a failing marriage.

I make mistakes a lot. One major mistake I made at the beginning of our marriage was that I didn't understand that my husband is motivated by respect. I thought his felt need for love was the same as mine. I didn't know or think that he thought and saw things differently than I did. I didn't realize that what sounded to me like a casual comment, was actually something that made him feel like I  took an axe to his heart. Boy, was I wrong. When I started to get it right, we very quickly got on a path that helped our marriage to grow.

What does disrespect look like? A while ago we were having an argument about the budget. My friend called during our discussion. I thought we could take a break and continue the conversation later. My husband felt it was really disrespectful that I picked up the phone. He felt that our conversation deserved priority over the friend conversation. My answering the phone made our conversation worse and definitely did NOT motivate him to have a better discussion with me.

Today, one thing I do well (most of the time) is that I respect my husband, in public and in private (I can see the younger me scoffing at that sentence). That doesn't mean I bow down to him or pretend that I agree with everything he says. On the contrary, we have some pretty disagreeable conversations. What it does mean is that I am capable of motivating him in our marriage. The thing that makes it work often is that I NOW know what I'm aiming at... it's respect.

In our culture today we hear time and again that LOVE is everything in a marriage. But, we rarely hear about respect, and men often don't think of using that word when they are trying to describe what they need more of in a relationship.

Interestingly, Aretha Franklin's hit song (RESPECT) was written by a man.

What is respect? Here are some definitions I found, "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person," "a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard," and "willingness to show consideration or appreciation."

Think back to how you felt about your husband when you first met or when you first started dating. I bet these descriptions were something you could have agreed with. I bet this is how you could have described your feelings about him. But, it's easy to forget how we felt when we were dating.

What does it mean to show him respect? It means building him up in public and in private. One of the more respectful actions you can take is to say positive things about him in front of friends/family. If you disagree with him (and you're not making a big decision on the spot like buying a car) you should generally talk about it in private. Here I talk about an argument we had with our friends in the car (aka: not in private). The argument would have gone much more smoothly if we had waited until we were home.

Have you ever talked positively about your husband in public? If not, you should try it the next chance you get. When he hears you praising something he's done in front of others he will likely feel energized and joyful. You'll likely be able to see the reaction on his face right away. He will likely feel more motivated to be loving towards you.

Another action you can take that shows respect is by considering him when making choices about your life. Talk with him about decisions you are about to make regarding your job, kids, finances, house plans, chores, etc. This is how you can "show consideration" for him and what he has to say.

I believe if this "tactic" is taken seriously and used daily it can help a severely damaged marriage get back on the right track.

Ladies, if you wonder how much your words mean to your husbands, read this post!

If you're the husband...here I write about how men can motivate their wives with love.


PS. The idea for this post came directly from Dr. Eggerichs. Check him out if you have time.

Post College Expectations

If you are anything like me, then you also had GREAT expectations for what it would look like when you finished college.

My expectations included some of the following descriptions. I planned to have a large house, maybe not immediately, but surely by 27 (the age I am now). I'd be able to decorate it with matching pieces of furniture. I planned to buy nice clothes (like Banana Republic, etc.). I thought that I would be wearing those nice clothes to a nice paying job that I would enjoy. I assumed I'd find a husband, but wasn't that positive about my hopes for marriage (which have changed greatly and will be addressed in another post.) I figured I'd be able to eat out regularly at fancy restaurants if I wanted to (I didn't know how to cook until age 25ish). I thought I could afford a nice car as well. I figured I'd be making slightly under 100K (before 30:) and be successful at work. I always planned to work outside the home and be able to pay a sitter. I figured I'd travel across the county often and take lots of "little" side trips to the neighboring states.

Ohh, foolish me. What I didn't anticipate was my debt or how my major in sociology would effect my ability to get paid 100K. Somewhere in my mind I thought I'd make enough money to outrun my excessive spending, simply because I'd be getting paid a lot. I figured I'd slowly pay off student loans/mortgage while I quickly made a lot of money.

How do things stack up now that I've been done with graduate courses for two years? I don't make 100K. I actually made better money delivering pizzas (tips included) in high school. I made about 10$/hr to deliver pizza and then made anywhere from 2-15$/hr in tips. Wow, maybe I should look into that again. Ok, really I love being a crisis counselor. I love to help people in need. But, people in need can't afford to pay for services. So most of my income comes from the government and grants. I make about 11$/hr at my morning job. My afternoon job pays a bit better at 13.75$/hr. OUCH. That is not what I expected to be making at 27.

I do have a house (that we can afford), but it's filled with my families second hand stuff. My house actually looks like my grandma's living room twenty years ago:) I can't afford to buy new pieces so nothing matches. Or, perhaps I should say it's "eclectic"?? My closets are filled with clothes from since I was 16. My new clothes are generally second hand from Plato's Closet. I don't have a new car, but I did purchase my Buick from my grandparents. I can't complain for a second about my car. Traveling has happened some for us. We got free plane tickets (thanks to getting booted off another flight) so we have visited our friends in Colorado. We also saw some friends in New York buy signing up for a credit card that gives you free tickets (I don't recommend this).

I learned how to cook. Actually my husband I both learned from the Food Network. We don't have cable anymore, but we did have cable for our first two years of marriage. I loved watching and ultimately my  hubby and I learned to cook. Which is a good thing because it is so much cheaper to make your own food at home. This also allows for leftovers. We can't afford to eat out very much.We have actually become very picky about our food and where it comes from.

I did find an amazing man and have changed many of my (previously bitter) views about marriage.

What happens when expectations don't meet reality? Well, I'm working on learning to be content with what I have. I have always had a creative mind. I have ideas flowing out of me. For example, I plan to write a book someday about relationships and am using this blog as a way to practice my writing. I can easily see how I could sell a million books and be successful financially. On the other hand, I have not sold a million books yet and need to live with my 20$ couch from Craigslist for the time being. I am trying to balance contentment with the possibilities of tomorrow. It's a slippery slope balancing dreams of tomorrow with the reality of today. It takes practice and some days that balancing act gets the best of me.

How do you balance contentment today with setting goals for tomorrow?

Billy's Bakery - my favorite one in New York City

Emotional Spending

I wanted to share my struggles with emotional spending. I only began to understand how it affected me when we started working our budget. Our budgeting plan has helped me to reduce emotional spending. I completely underestimated how much budgeting would change my inner thoughts and processes on matters of spending.

Before using our budget, I would shop because I was upset or overworked or underpaid or needed to feel better about something. I didn't realize how powerful this emotional spending component was until I was restricted in my spending (aka: not using the ever-flowing fountain of student loan money and only using what we budgeted). I didn't buy expensive things. I didn't think I was going overboard. I found good deals, which was another emotional high, and had enough money to pay the bills each month in college. I felt very sure that my new purchase was both something I deserved and something that I could afford.

After a big test in college, I would go shopping. I felt better about buying something because I worked hard to study for the test. I also felt better because I had something that looked great on me. Even if it was just a new 5$ scarf, I would feel prettier and happier.

I would shop with my friends and family. If I wanted to hang out with someone or have them hang out with me we would often shop at the mall. It felt like we were both getting "something" done and finding something to wear for the weekend. I would also shop with my family when they came to town. Many mother-grandmother-daughter relationships consist of shopping. Mine did as well. Together-time happens when mom takes child to a place of business and purchases something for them. The talking/bonding happens presumably while on the hunt for a good deal or something that looks great.

It's probably not necessary to say that I still go to places of business to buy things. I can't make my own clothes or shoes or toilet paper. I do still buy items I don't need...since I'm human and have flaws. The difference is that my buying is intentional. I don't just find myself driving to target. I don't just see something in the store and think that I must have it. A light triggers now when I look at something and want it. It's a light that didn't have time to turn on in the past. In the past I would look at something, want it, decide that I deserved it and then buy it. That flawed process is broken now with the help of my envelope system. Emotionally speaking, I try to disconnect my wants from my needs. I try to disconnect the fact that there are pretty things in the store that I want with the fact that I worked hard yesterday doing something difficult in another area of my life (like finding a job or cleaning my house or giving a friend great support). I try to separate my purchasing from any feelings of unhappiness or self worth. This is not something that can happen overnight. I myself have a long ways to go.

Budgeting has changed my thought process. I DO think about how much I'm going to have left in my envelope after I buy this item. This helps me to stop and think...do I really want this item? Is this item really something I'm willing to spend my money on? What if I find something I want more later in the month? There are other perks. If a salesmen of any kind is pressuring you...you can say things like "I don't have any money left in my envelope this month" or...."I check with my husband before spending money not in my budget."

At the beginning of the month I think ahead about what activities will be happening that month. For instance this month we are taking a weekend trip to Galena, IL, my friends and I will tailgate for the University of Iowa football game, and several members of my family have birthdays (this comes out of our gift envelope). A few months ago I had 60$ left in my fun envelope at the end of the month. I paper clipped and set aside this money. This month I used that extra money to spend on groceries for our Galena trip. I have been saving my fun money this month to spend on food/fun when my friends come to town.
This is not easy, but worthwhile. It also opens the door to let other positive emotions come into your life.

                                 Thought this sign, outside a lovely Galena shop, was appropriate:)

Our Budget

I talk often about how my husband and I are on a written budget and are trying to pay off debt. I wanted to address our budget more specifically for those interested. Most of our budgeting ideas came from the Dave Ramsey Show. Dave is a financial adviser. You can check out his website for yourself.

The first full year we were married, we attempted to do a watered-down version of Dave's budgeting system. We (my husband) wrote down our expenditures and our sources of income. We found out exactly how much debt we were in and compared that with what we made each month. We wrote down our "dreams" (purposely using that word here because they weren't actual goals..they were dreams at this point) of what we wanted to spend in each category of life.

*Side note here. It's important to know who in the marriage is the detail oriented person. Usually one of the two of you are more detailed than the other. Luckily, my husband is this person. He is the one that put together our budget. BUT, it's very important to see that we AGREED on this budget he wrote out. I argued for some changes and he argued for some changes and then we agreed on a final budget. One major argument was with clothing money. It took a number of months to get this worked out. I continually over-spent (which can be fixed with the envelope system that we initiated later...see below) in the clothing category. He finally realized that the budget was too low and we agreed to a much higher amount for clothing per month.You can read more about my emotional spending habits here.

Back to the budget. So the watered-down version left us going over our vision each month in multiple categories. If you don't actually add up the amount of money you are spending, each time you spend it...you easily wind up over-spending at the end of the month. So for each month in 2010 we overspent.

We started to realize this wasn't working at the end of 2010. This is when we turned to Dave Ramsey's envelope system. I'll tell you we saved 500$ in the first month we used the system. The envelope system is basically you putting actual dollars into real envelopes at the beginning of each month. For example, we put 100$ into our shared "fun" envelope at the beginning of each month. My husband and I actually have 3 "fun" envelopes. We put money into "Karl's Fun" envelope, "Lindsey's Fun" envelope, and into a shared "Fun" envelope. Yes, we have about 15 envelopes we put money into each month. It's a lot of envelopes. I am able to reach into my personal fun money whenever I want. If I wanted to eat out during the day, this would come out of my fun envelope. If Karl and I wanted to go on a date, that would come out of our shared envelope. The trick is, that when the envelope is out of money...you stop spending money.

There are some down sides to this plan. Someone does have to write out the budget, that can be time consuming. You and your spouse have to agree on the budget. That can be argument-inducing and difficult. But, I promise it's worth it. Having conversations about money that don't end with crying and leaving the room is healthy for couples to learn how to do. The funny thing is that the shared goal (of paying off debt) really unites you as a couple. It may not happen as quickly to all couples. Some couples are in a world of hurt related to money. That conversation is for a different post though. For now, suffice it to say that this plan works.We have had to make some difficult decisions about our fiances. We may run out of grocery money at the end of the month and have to live on leftovers for the last 3 days of the month. We did have a month where I thought we had about 80$ left in the grocery budget. When I opened the envelope I found only 20$ left. We wound up eating pasta and beans the rest of the week.

There are so many perks to this plan. One is that you and your spouse will be on the same page about money. When Karl and I first got married, he would confront me every time I came home from shopping. We got into an argument about me buying socks! Now that we have an agreed upon budget, it doesn't bother him to see me come home with shopping bags AND he doesn't interrogate me about what I bought. He is happy that I found something I wanted, because he knows I only spent what was in my envelope. Also, we save a lot of money. This money goes towards paying off our debt. We are excited as we look forward to getting out of debt and begin to build wealth. Third, this plan has changed our perspective about finances and financial decisions. When you know you only have 100$ to spend, you treat your money differently. You tell friends that you can't go out to eat. You hold off on something you think you WANT in case there is something you NEED at the end of the month. I'll write more in other posts about our money decisions, but this is a basic description of our budget system.

The Big Fish - The Job That Got Away

During the few months I was working part time, I was looking for full time work. I had actually been helping out a few hours a week at an office where a position became available. I applied for the job. The strange thing was that they published the salary in the ad for the position. I thought that I would be a likely candidate for the job since I had made connections in the office. I was also excited because of the amazingly high salary the position was offering. It was a government job with a 60,000$/year income. I was very nervous for the interview, but my husband helped me prepare by quizzing me nightly with interview questions. I did some research as well. I could continue talking about how I prepared for my interview, but this post is not about preparations for an interview.

This post is really about my greed. During my interview preparations and the week following the interview I started to drift in perspective. I started to dream about all the amazing things we could buy with so much extra income. It would have been a significant jump in income, from my low paying (10$/hr) part time gig to this huge salary. I started to think about how I deserved such a great paying job since I have a graduate degree. I reasoned that my hard work in grad school would all be worth it, if I got this job. I imagined what an awesome jump this job would lead to in my career path. There would be no where to go but up... in income after this job. 

I thought about how I would "need" a new wardrobe. After all, someone that gets paid so much money should dress like they get paid so much money. Of course, I would be "reasonable"...maybe spend 500$-1000$ on new clothes over the course of 3 months. I started telling family how fast we would pay off debt if I got this job. Which is interesting considering I was coming up with the idea to spend so much of the extra income on things we didn't need.

I also experienced guilt. I thought about how fast we would pay off debt and how it wouldn't be much of a struggle. How would I counsel others, who were struggling to pay off their debt, when I wasn't sacrificing at all? Since all my friends and family know we are on a budget, what would they think of my new clothes or new purchases of nice things in our home..while we still had debt to pay off?

All this happened in just the few weeks that I studied for my interview and while waiting to hear back if I got the job. What a tremendous shift in thinking. Before I heard about the job...and the salary...I was so set on sticking to our written budget, no matter what job I got. But, immediately I started imagining how I would spend the money on things I didn't need.

It all came crashing down when I didn't get offered the position. It was difficult to hear. I threw a small tantrum. I cried to my husband and to my friends. All my hopes about how I would spend the extra income were gone. My ideas about the extra clothes and nice things were ripped from my head.

What I was left with started to make me realize how greedy I had been. I was left with a wonderful home full of stuff, a wonderful husband, a fun part time job, time to talk to great friends, good health, time to workout, time to see my family, time to make great food, and still enough money from the part-time job to make extra payments each month. It's amazing how the thought of extra income morphed my hopes and dreams for a few weeks.

Here I am a few months later waiting to hear back about a new and exciting full time job. Luckily, I didn't know what the pay would be until the day of the interview. It's less, but that's not a problem because it will still be a significant amount to put towards extra payments! I also haven't made any plans for spending the extra income on things we don't need. Lesson learned.

Gratituesday

I am thankful today for work. You see, I spent some time recently (from July-August) only working one part time job (and I don't have any kids). Let me back up though to better explain why I'm thankful for work.

In high school and college, I was on a warpath...to get things done. I filled every hour of every day with lots of activities, classes, organizational meetings, friend time, etc. I was busy. I thought I was doing something right by filling up every hour of the day. But as a senior in college, when I met my now husband, he had a calmer schedule. He didn't think it was a good idea to fill every hour of the day. Of course, I thought he was just under-achieving. But in fact he taught me a few things. One, it's just fine to get 8 hours of sleep. It's even healthy. Two, it's fine to enjoy a meal...you don't have to rush through the necessary items of the day so you can fit in even more "activities". Three, you don't have to fill your day in order to be successful in life. See, he had a much more balanced approach to his day, week, and life. I slowly started to allow myself to balance my activities more. This didn't happen in a few months. This happened over a few years (ok...maybe 4 years).

In December of last year I finished my thesis for graduate school. What a weight off my back that was. But that's another story for another post. Anyhow, in January this year we started a small business (in relationship matchmaking) that didn't make it. We spent from January to the end of June figuring out that we could not find insurance for a small matchmaking company. Then, with the close of the business, in July I found myself with only 20 hours a week of planned work at my part-time job as a crisis counselor. I realized I did not have a full day of work planned for me as in the past.

And what's worse, I did not feel like I was contributing to our household. Sure, I did some extra cleaning and cooking, but with just the two of us around there is only so much work to be done. I also struggled to make myself do any one thing. I struggled in ways I never thought I would. I wanted to contribute to paying off our debt (especially debt from my student loans), but I could not find a full time job or even a second part-time job. I got down on myself for racking up such major debts as graduate school loans and then not even being able to contribute in what I felt was a "worthwhile" way. For two months my emotions went from "why is this house not sparkling clean when I only work part time" to "I'm worthless for not contributing to our income". It was a slippery slope. I didn't allow myself to feel very good about our clean house since I thought that I should be making a lot of money with my graduate degree instead.

Having so much time on my hands wasn't all bad. There were good days and perks. I was able to work out on a regular basis and I felt great about my body. Which generally led to my husband and I being more intimate. We ate pretty healthy because I was able to prepare and cook healthy meals. I also had time to help babysit my cousins (a 9 and 7 year old and also triplets that are 2) and plan a 50th wedding anniversary for my grandparents.

But, back to why I am thankful for work. At the end of August a former co-worker called me and offered me a job. The job was supervising parental visits for parents that were in jeopardy of loosing their children. I have been working at the job for almost 1 month now. I enjoy being around the kids and I enjoy sharing parenting tips with struggling parents. I enjoy being with others in their moments of difficulty. I am now contributing to our fiances. The income from my second job goes 100% to extra debt payments. So today, on this fine Tuesday, I'm thankful to God for my second job (one that I didn't even have to apply for).

Just Do It

I've done it. I found the courage to start my own blog and share my thoughts with the world. I hope it's as interesting and practical and I imagined it would be.

Tonight my hubby is at the bar watching Monday night football. He does this because we choose not to pay for cable. We gave up cable about 5 months ago. At first it was painful. Every time I sat down to eat in the morning, I could not watch the news I was used to watching. Every time I went downstairs to workout on my treadmill, I had to deal with not having my recorded shows to watch. I actually felt myself longing for the Food network. I definitely went through withdraw symptoms. The first 30 days were the hardest. I was mad at the TV when I turned it on, and it gave me nothing but our local 2, 7, and 9 channels. When I came home for lunch in the past I could skip right to the show I wanted. I thought I was saving myself time by paying for cable and the DVR. Oh man, was I ever wrong.

Giving up cable allowed me to reclaim the time I usually spent watching TV. I wasn't a 3 hour-a-day kind of TV user, but it was amazing how often I craved my Food network after we cut the cord. I probably stumbled around like a zombie for short periods of time throughout the days after giving it up. I had to re-purpose my time.

Today, 5 months later, we have a lot of time on our hands that we didn't before. I can't say that I've re-purposed all my time for more practical things. However, I can say it's helped to change us. I hardly think about the TV (except in the morning at breakfast...I love watching the news). I wound up getting a Jillian Michaels workout video (6 pack abs). The workout is harder and faster than anything I did while watching TV. Also, my hubby watches less sports:) You can imagine all the extra things he has time for now...I know I can. I've barely mentioned all the extra money we save. Actually, it's going towards payment on our DEBT. It's great to know that our 80$/month cable bill is now going towards our debt!

Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks for reading my first post!