Good question from a reader. How do you go about "dating" other couples?
(This post is a follow-up from my last post found here).
It's not easy to meet others when you are married and move to a new city. Moving to a new city can cause lots of challenges within the marriage and that may take time away from making new friends. Once you are settled into your new home and can find your way to work, it may be time to think about how to make new couple-friends.
One of my suggestions from the last post is to join a club/organization/sport's rec team, etc. Once you have done this, it helps to get to know who the married folks are in the group. For us that was easy since we joined a "young, married couples" group at church.
At this point we were stuck, what comes next? In a normal dating relationship you would see each other by chance or scheming and then get to know each other at events. Well, we tried that. Week after week we went to this group hoping to talk and develop relationships. It didn't happen like I planned. Week after week we didn't grow closer to others at the same pace I did with girlfriends in college.
One likely reason for this is that now there are two of you. Where one set of wives may enjoy each others company, the husbands may not get along that well or vice verse. Generally though I found that once the 4 of us got to know each other, if one sex got along, so did the other.
Another reason is that some part of relationships might be a little forced. Remember those awkward conversations on your first few dates? That is something that our brains were wired to "handle" in the name of finding a mate. We were driven to get through those awkward (I don't know what to ask next) conversations so we could feel that high of romantic love. I think the drive to get through the first few rough "dates" may not be as strong when we are courting friends:)
One way to avoid or lessen those awkward times is by inviting more than one couple over. In my group someone had the brilliant idea to get together in groups of six (three couples). This allows different people to come up with conversation. It gave me time to think about what we could say next. It really took a lot of pressure and awkwardness away.
How do you manage to "date" other couples?
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
How does your geographic location influence your marriage?
I'm 27. As I look around most of my friends are getting set in some sort of career. That means they are moving to new locations for those new jobs, getting new places, and getting set in a routine.
I did the same thing. My husband and I moved for his new job, and then I found a new job. We didn't start with a lot of friends where we live. This was a huge change from college.
Making new friends was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were so well connected by the time we left college that moving to a new city was a shock. I assumed that since we had dozens of friends in college that we would easily and quickly find new friends in our new city. Wrong. It took us a few years and several months of depression for me to figure it out.
How did we make friends? We wound up finding an organization (a big church) with lots of young people. Even though we joined a class for young, married couples...we still didn't immediately have a circle of friends. The new friends came one at a time. Those first conversations were very awkward and difficult. The first year of hanging out with new people was more of a "get to know you" year. I was so disheartened because friends weren't coming quickly/easily. But, as time moved on, we became very close with some of the couples. So close that I would feel comfortable calling one of my new girlfriends crying:)
I've noticed that many of my other college friends are having the same struggles. I think one big way to seek out those new friendships is through organizations such as recreational sports teams, church, work friends, clubs, etc. It's hard because I don't think my generation is one to quickly join an organization. In fact, I heard that my generation tends to only join one or two organizations that they deeply believe in. That means it may take a while before you find what you're looking for (if you're my age).
It's not easy but if we don't learn to "date" new couples or make new friends, how will we feel fulfilled or connected? Friendship is important for humans. Even if it's uncomfortable I urge you to look around and consider joining something.
I did the same thing. My husband and I moved for his new job, and then I found a new job. We didn't start with a lot of friends where we live. This was a huge change from college.
Making new friends was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were so well connected by the time we left college that moving to a new city was a shock. I assumed that since we had dozens of friends in college that we would easily and quickly find new friends in our new city. Wrong. It took us a few years and several months of depression for me to figure it out.
How did we make friends? We wound up finding an organization (a big church) with lots of young people. Even though we joined a class for young, married couples...we still didn't immediately have a circle of friends. The new friends came one at a time. Those first conversations were very awkward and difficult. The first year of hanging out with new people was more of a "get to know you" year. I was so disheartened because friends weren't coming quickly/easily. But, as time moved on, we became very close with some of the couples. So close that I would feel comfortable calling one of my new girlfriends crying:)
I've noticed that many of my other college friends are having the same struggles. I think one big way to seek out those new friendships is through organizations such as recreational sports teams, church, work friends, clubs, etc. It's hard because I don't think my generation is one to quickly join an organization. In fact, I heard that my generation tends to only join one or two organizations that they deeply believe in. That means it may take a while before you find what you're looking for (if you're my age).
It's not easy but if we don't learn to "date" new couples or make new friends, how will we feel fulfilled or connected? Friendship is important for humans. Even if it's uncomfortable I urge you to look around and consider joining something.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Best Predictor of Divorce
Here John Gottman talks about the "Best Predictor of Divorce." I appreciate his world famous research on relationships. His work has helped mold thousands of marriages.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
For the Ladies: How to Motivate Your Husbands
I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I think can help change the course of a failing marriage.
I make mistakes a lot. One major mistake I made at the beginning of our marriage was that I didn't understand that my husband is motivated by respect. I thought his felt need for love was the same as mine. I didn't know or think that he thought and saw things differently than I did. I didn't realize that what sounded to me like a casual comment, was actually something that made him feel like I took an axe to his heart. Boy, was I wrong. When I started to get it right, we very quickly got on a path that helped our marriage to grow.
What does disrespect look like? A while ago we were having an argument about the budget. My friend called during our discussion. I thought we could take a break and continue the conversation later. My husband felt it was really disrespectful that I picked up the phone. He felt that our conversation deserved priority over the friend conversation. My answering the phone made our conversation worse and definitely did NOT motivate him to have a better discussion with me.
Today, one thing I do well (most of the time) is that I respect my husband, in public and in private (I can see the younger me scoffing at that sentence). That doesn't mean I bow down to him or pretend that I agree with everything he says. On the contrary, we have some pretty disagreeable conversations. What it does mean is that I am capable of motivating him in our marriage. The thing that makes it work often is that I NOW know what I'm aiming at... it's respect.
In our culture today we hear time and again that LOVE is everything in a marriage. But, we rarely hear about respect, and men often don't think of using that word when they are trying to describe what they need more of in a relationship.
Interestingly, Aretha Franklin's hit song (RESPECT) was written by a man.
What is respect? Here are some definitions I found, "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person," "a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard," and "willingness to show consideration or appreciation."
Think back to how you felt about your husband when you first met or when you first started dating. I bet these descriptions were something you could have agreed with. I bet this is how you could have described your feelings about him. But, it's easy to forget how we felt when we were dating.
What does it mean to show him respect? It means building him up in public and in private. One of the more respectful actions you can take is to say positive things about him in front of friends/family. If you disagree with him (and you're not making a big decision on the spot like buying a car) you should generally talk about it in private. Here I talk about an argument we had with our friends in the car (aka: not in private). The argument would have gone much more smoothly if we had waited until we were home.
Have you ever talked positively about your husband in public? If not, you should try it the next chance you get. When he hears you praising something he's done in front of others he will likely feel energized and joyful. You'll likely be able to see the reaction on his face right away. He will likely feel more motivated to be loving towards you.
Another action you can take that shows respect is by considering him when making choices about your life. Talk with him about decisions you are about to make regarding your job, kids, finances, house plans, chores, etc. This is how you can "show consideration" for him and what he has to say.
I believe if this "tactic" is taken seriously and used daily it can help a severely damaged marriage get back on the right track.
Ladies, if you wonder how much your words mean to your husbands, read this post!
If you're the husband...here I write about how men can motivate their wives with love.
PS. The idea for this post came directly from Dr. Eggerichs. Check him out if you have time.
I make mistakes a lot. One major mistake I made at the beginning of our marriage was that I didn't understand that my husband is motivated by respect. I thought his felt need for love was the same as mine. I didn't know or think that he thought and saw things differently than I did. I didn't realize that what sounded to me like a casual comment, was actually something that made him feel like I took an axe to his heart. Boy, was I wrong. When I started to get it right, we very quickly got on a path that helped our marriage to grow.
What does disrespect look like? A while ago we were having an argument about the budget. My friend called during our discussion. I thought we could take a break and continue the conversation later. My husband felt it was really disrespectful that I picked up the phone. He felt that our conversation deserved priority over the friend conversation. My answering the phone made our conversation worse and definitely did NOT motivate him to have a better discussion with me.
Today, one thing I do well (most of the time) is that I respect my husband, in public and in private (I can see the younger me scoffing at that sentence). That doesn't mean I bow down to him or pretend that I agree with everything he says. On the contrary, we have some pretty disagreeable conversations. What it does mean is that I am capable of motivating him in our marriage. The thing that makes it work often is that I NOW know what I'm aiming at... it's respect.
In our culture today we hear time and again that LOVE is everything in a marriage. But, we rarely hear about respect, and men often don't think of using that word when they are trying to describe what they need more of in a relationship.
Interestingly, Aretha Franklin's hit song (RESPECT) was written by a man.
What is respect? Here are some definitions I found, "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person," "a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard," and "willingness to show consideration or appreciation."
Think back to how you felt about your husband when you first met or when you first started dating. I bet these descriptions were something you could have agreed with. I bet this is how you could have described your feelings about him. But, it's easy to forget how we felt when we were dating.
What does it mean to show him respect? It means building him up in public and in private. One of the more respectful actions you can take is to say positive things about him in front of friends/family. If you disagree with him (and you're not making a big decision on the spot like buying a car) you should generally talk about it in private. Here I talk about an argument we had with our friends in the car (aka: not in private). The argument would have gone much more smoothly if we had waited until we were home.
Have you ever talked positively about your husband in public? If not, you should try it the next chance you get. When he hears you praising something he's done in front of others he will likely feel energized and joyful. You'll likely be able to see the reaction on his face right away. He will likely feel more motivated to be loving towards you.
Another action you can take that shows respect is by considering him when making choices about your life. Talk with him about decisions you are about to make regarding your job, kids, finances, house plans, chores, etc. This is how you can "show consideration" for him and what he has to say.
I believe if this "tactic" is taken seriously and used daily it can help a severely damaged marriage get back on the right track.
Ladies, if you wonder how much your words mean to your husbands, read this post!
If you're the husband...here I write about how men can motivate their wives with love.
PS. The idea for this post came directly from Dr. Eggerichs. Check him out if you have time.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
R-E-S-P-E-C-T and Love
Men, this one's for you.
What is it you crave most from your wife? I bet what most motivates you is RESPECT. Do you feel respected when she is intimate with you? Do you feel disrespected when she talks over you? Do you feel respected when she comments on how you show her love? Do you feel disrespected when she comments on a chore you didn't complete? I'm willing to bet your biggest marital motivator could be defined under the heading of respect. The idea that men are motivated by respect while women are motivated by love offers a nice perspective on how to treat your spouse. The explanation (and book) comes from Dr. Eggerichs.
This post however, is not about your needs. It's about her needs.
Where you need respect, she needs LOVE. She needs to feel loved, in many of the areas you need to feel respected.
It's easy to forget about her need to feel loved, when you feel disrespected. During conflict, it's especially easy to forget that love motivates her. Sure, you both need love and respect, but the felt need for each is different.
If your wife is showing you contempt or disrespect, it's possibly because she is feeling unloved.
What have you done in the past that has made her feel loved? When did she last light up with a smile over something you did or said? Assure your wife of your love for her. She needs reassurance of your love through your actions. Hold her hand. Ask her how she feels. Let her know when she did something you enjoyed and how it made you feel.Put your cell phone down when she is in the room (or before you come home). Do a chore from her list. Initiate conversation. When she asks about your day, give her details. Brag about her in front of others.These are just a few ways to start showing her love.
Ladies, if you're interested in what to say to your man, I have a post for you too. The words you use are very important.
What is it you crave most from your wife? I bet what most motivates you is RESPECT. Do you feel respected when she is intimate with you? Do you feel disrespected when she talks over you? Do you feel respected when she comments on how you show her love? Do you feel disrespected when she comments on a chore you didn't complete? I'm willing to bet your biggest marital motivator could be defined under the heading of respect. The idea that men are motivated by respect while women are motivated by love offers a nice perspective on how to treat your spouse. The explanation (and book) comes from Dr. Eggerichs.
This post however, is not about your needs. It's about her needs.
Where you need respect, she needs LOVE. She needs to feel loved, in many of the areas you need to feel respected.
It's easy to forget about her need to feel loved, when you feel disrespected. During conflict, it's especially easy to forget that love motivates her. Sure, you both need love and respect, but the felt need for each is different.
If your wife is showing you contempt or disrespect, it's possibly because she is feeling unloved.
What have you done in the past that has made her feel loved? When did she last light up with a smile over something you did or said? Assure your wife of your love for her. She needs reassurance of your love through your actions. Hold her hand. Ask her how she feels. Let her know when she did something you enjoyed and how it made you feel.Put your cell phone down when she is in the room (or before you come home). Do a chore from her list. Initiate conversation. When she asks about your day, give her details. Brag about her in front of others.These are just a few ways to start showing her love.
Ladies, if you're interested in what to say to your man, I have a post for you too. The words you use are very important.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Trials
When you look back on an argument or a series of arguments, do you find joy in what your marriage has been through? Or, do you think about the negatives associated with tough times?
When I think about our first year of marriage, it was a wild ride. We planned a wedding (in 3 months for family health reasons), moved, got laid off, moved again to a different state, got new jobs, bought a house (includes moving again), and had a flooded basement. We had plenty of trials in our first year as a married couple.
But when I reflect on those times I am happy that we made it through. I am also happy because I feel like we can make it through whatever comes our way in the future.
One of the keys to getting through the tough times is knowing how to fight well.
Another key to making it through difficult times is to use humor. As a former crisis counselor, I know that humor is under-utilized during heated moments. In some of the most difficult crises I used humor to mellow the situation. And what's interesting is everyone in the room laughed. You need something like humor to help bring the tension down a few notches. This isn't a free card to never have a serious conversation, it's just the ability to poke a little fun at a trying situation.
Being able to look back at a difficult few months in a marriage and see something (anything) positive is healthy. I encourage you to examine your perspective on difficult moments in marriage.
I'm thankful on this Gratituesday that I can see the bigger picture of how our first year of marriage prepared us for life together.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Check out other Gratituesday posts at Heavenly Homemakers!
When I think about our first year of marriage, it was a wild ride. We planned a wedding (in 3 months for family health reasons), moved, got laid off, moved again to a different state, got new jobs, bought a house (includes moving again), and had a flooded basement. We had plenty of trials in our first year as a married couple.
But when I reflect on those times I am happy that we made it through. I am also happy because I feel like we can make it through whatever comes our way in the future.
One of the keys to getting through the tough times is knowing how to fight well.
Another key to making it through difficult times is to use humor. As a former crisis counselor, I know that humor is under-utilized during heated moments. In some of the most difficult crises I used humor to mellow the situation. And what's interesting is everyone in the room laughed. You need something like humor to help bring the tension down a few notches. This isn't a free card to never have a serious conversation, it's just the ability to poke a little fun at a trying situation.
Being able to look back at a difficult few months in a marriage and see something (anything) positive is healthy. I encourage you to examine your perspective on difficult moments in marriage.
I'm thankful on this Gratituesday that I can see the bigger picture of how our first year of marriage prepared us for life together.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Check out other Gratituesday posts at Heavenly Homemakers!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
February Foresight
Did you set any goals for your marriage this year?
How about a date night or a regular "I Love You Dear."
Marriage may not always be exciting, but it needs to be given due attention.
Your marriage may be missing things you haven't lately mentioned.
Take one small step in February.
To show your spouse how much you care.
Women, tell him how much you respect him.
Men, show her love in every possible action.
Remember, you're on the same side.
Work hard to be of one mind.
How about a date night or a regular "I Love You Dear."
Marriage may not always be exciting, but it needs to be given due attention.
Your marriage may be missing things you haven't lately mentioned.
Take one small step in February.
To show your spouse how much you care.
Women, tell him how much you respect him.
Men, show her love in every possible action.
Remember, you're on the same side.
Work hard to be of one mind.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Fairytales and Truth
Wanted to share this video on marriage with you today. There is a lot of truth to be heard here.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Back to Back, Guns Out
You know those classic movie scenes where the gun fighting pair have their backs against each other and are shooting everyone in sight? I love those scenes!
It makes sense, if your backs are together you can't shoot your partner. If your backs are together then you know who the bad guys are...everyone else.
This may be a slightly cynical view of a solid relationship, but it paints a nice picture of whose team you are on and where the obstacles are. In a marriage, it's important to remember you are ON THE SAME TEAM as your spouse.
Sometimes in marriage, it's as if things are crumbling and the world is picking a fight. It's at times like these when lovers can turn their fear, anger, and frustration inward...toward their spouse. This is easy to do because the spouse:
On the contrary, realizing that your spouse is on your side can shift your perspective on the world and/or your marriage. Sometimes the world is a cold place and a spouse should be a warm place to run. Sometimes lots of things go wrong in a day/week/month and how we treat our spouse is the one thing we can control. Sometimes it just feels good to snuggle in with our spouse and realize that we are in a safe place. Sometimes sharing a secret with a spouse is fun, because the rest of the world doesn't know (and isn't on your team).
When the world attacks put your fighting gear on, and make sure your spouse knows you're on the same team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Feel free to join my other blog friends at at Heavenly Homemakers!
It makes sense, if your backs are together you can't shoot your partner. If your backs are together then you know who the bad guys are...everyone else.
This may be a slightly cynical view of a solid relationship, but it paints a nice picture of whose team you are on and where the obstacles are. In a marriage, it's important to remember you are ON THE SAME TEAM as your spouse.
Sometimes in marriage, it's as if things are crumbling and the world is picking a fight. It's at times like these when lovers can turn their fear, anger, and frustration inward...toward their spouse. This is easy to do because the spouse:
- is always around,
- is easy to pick on (because you know their vulnerabilities),
- can take a few hits before they get mad (unlike a coworker or random person you encounter),
- affects your daily plans.
On the contrary, realizing that your spouse is on your side can shift your perspective on the world and/or your marriage. Sometimes the world is a cold place and a spouse should be a warm place to run. Sometimes lots of things go wrong in a day/week/month and how we treat our spouse is the one thing we can control. Sometimes it just feels good to snuggle in with our spouse and realize that we are in a safe place. Sometimes sharing a secret with a spouse is fun, because the rest of the world doesn't know (and isn't on your team).
When the world attacks put your fighting gear on, and make sure your spouse knows you're on the same team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Feel free to join my other blog friends at at Heavenly Homemakers!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Questions Please
Over 500 folks have looked over my blog. I assume some of you must have questions for me. If you have questions about marriage or relationships, I'd love to try and answer them. Please send them to me at lindsey@significantinterest.com
I will try and answer some of the questions over the next several weeks.
Thanks!
Lindsey
I will try and answer some of the questions over the next several weeks.
Thanks!
Lindsey
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Let Me Give You Happiness
How can you get happiness from a marriage?
It seems one obvious answer would involve getting to do lots of things you like with someone you love. A more correct answer (according to one study) may place the focus more on giving to your spouse rather than getting.
What have you done for your spouse lately? Likely you have been faithful, returned their phone calls, and performed your usual household chores that are on your half of the list. It may be less likely that you've done more than that. It can be hard to go above and beyond if your spouse isn't holding up their end of the deal or doing less than their "half." Think back though...when is the last time you did a chore on your spouse's list, called just to say I Love You, or were more affectionate or intimate than usual???
It may be time to recall how to be generous. Studies are finding that happy marriages are generous marriages.
I think it's especially useful to be generous to your spouse when they are not on their "best behavior." These are easily the times when it's hardest to do the basics, let alone any extras. But, being generous is infectious and can change the course of a marriage either in the short term or for the long term.
I started off our marriage with the goal of being as equal as possible. This meant making sure that we each were doing work on our home, our marriage, contributing financially, etc. But, my goal of creating an "equal" marriage actually placed my focus directly on how much my husband was doing...or how little. My focus and attitude would spawn arguments about whether or not I was working during the time he was working. If I did dishes for the last hour he was at work, then we should both spend another hour doing more chores when he got home. If I spent time cooking while he was watching a football game, then he should have to work for the next hour while I talked on the phone with a friend.
It's amazing how we can go from intimate partners who hope to meet their mate's every need to people who only want to do their "share" if even that much.
See where this is going yet? Perhaps not. It sounds pretty FAIR doesn't it. I think so, but the problem is not so much how we are each spending our hours, the problem is that the focus of the marriage becomes more about how much work is being done by which person and less about spending time with and caring for someone you love.
I realize chores have to get done. I'm arguing for a shift in perspective here. When the attitude of someone is about comparing hours worked, then the attitude cannot be about "what can I do for my spouse." If you felt as strongly about equality as I did then I promise you it's very difficult to make the transition from wondering how much work your spouse actually did... to purposely doing more than 50% of the work because you want to show your love for them.
If you make yourself focus more on what you can do for your spouse (and less on what they have done for you) I promise your marriage will improve. It is a transition I've been trying to go through lately. Luckily, my husband started out with the attitude of service, "what can I do for her." Unfortunately for him, I have had to grow myself (over the years). He has had to put up with a lot from me, but he continues to bring the right attitude. That has allowed me to think more about what I can do for my friend and spouse, and less about what he has done for me.
It seems that the more each spouse gives to the other, the happier they are. Strange, who would have thought that giving your time, emotions, attention, body, etc., would allow for such a wonderful marriage dynamic? Some of my professors in college advised us to seek marital equality with a vengeance. Funny that didn't work out and funny those professors aren't married anymore....
Look around at the marriages that are long lasting and full of happiness. I bet you each of the marital partners focus more on what they can do to help their best friend and lover out than on what has been done for them lately.
It seems one obvious answer would involve getting to do lots of things you like with someone you love. A more correct answer (according to one study) may place the focus more on giving to your spouse rather than getting.
What have you done for your spouse lately? Likely you have been faithful, returned their phone calls, and performed your usual household chores that are on your half of the list. It may be less likely that you've done more than that. It can be hard to go above and beyond if your spouse isn't holding up their end of the deal or doing less than their "half." Think back though...when is the last time you did a chore on your spouse's list, called just to say I Love You, or were more affectionate or intimate than usual???
It may be time to recall how to be generous. Studies are finding that happy marriages are generous marriages.
I think it's especially useful to be generous to your spouse when they are not on their "best behavior." These are easily the times when it's hardest to do the basics, let alone any extras. But, being generous is infectious and can change the course of a marriage either in the short term or for the long term.
I started off our marriage with the goal of being as equal as possible. This meant making sure that we each were doing work on our home, our marriage, contributing financially, etc. But, my goal of creating an "equal" marriage actually placed my focus directly on how much my husband was doing...or how little. My focus and attitude would spawn arguments about whether or not I was working during the time he was working. If I did dishes for the last hour he was at work, then we should both spend another hour doing more chores when he got home. If I spent time cooking while he was watching a football game, then he should have to work for the next hour while I talked on the phone with a friend.
It's amazing how we can go from intimate partners who hope to meet their mate's every need to people who only want to do their "share" if even that much.
See where this is going yet? Perhaps not. It sounds pretty FAIR doesn't it. I think so, but the problem is not so much how we are each spending our hours, the problem is that the focus of the marriage becomes more about how much work is being done by which person and less about spending time with and caring for someone you love.
I realize chores have to get done. I'm arguing for a shift in perspective here. When the attitude of someone is about comparing hours worked, then the attitude cannot be about "what can I do for my spouse." If you felt as strongly about equality as I did then I promise you it's very difficult to make the transition from wondering how much work your spouse actually did... to purposely doing more than 50% of the work because you want to show your love for them.
If you make yourself focus more on what you can do for your spouse (and less on what they have done for you) I promise your marriage will improve. It is a transition I've been trying to go through lately. Luckily, my husband started out with the attitude of service, "what can I do for her." Unfortunately for him, I have had to grow myself (over the years). He has had to put up with a lot from me, but he continues to bring the right attitude. That has allowed me to think more about what I can do for my friend and spouse, and less about what he has done for me.
It seems that the more each spouse gives to the other, the happier they are. Strange, who would have thought that giving your time, emotions, attention, body, etc., would allow for such a wonderful marriage dynamic? Some of my professors in college advised us to seek marital equality with a vengeance. Funny that didn't work out and funny those professors aren't married anymore....
Look around at the marriages that are long lasting and full of happiness. I bet you each of the marital partners focus more on what they can do to help their best friend and lover out than on what has been done for them lately.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Creatures of Habit - Making a Healthy Marriage a Habit
We are creatures of habit. Without a doubt, what our body does on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... our mind will want to do on Friday.
What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.
The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.
There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.
I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.
In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults.
I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.
Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.
It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.
Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.
What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.
The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.
There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.
I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.
In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults.
I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.
Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.
It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.
Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
#1 Problem in New Marriages
This post is about the number one problem I hear most newly married couples complaining about.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Family Trepidation...I Mean Traditions
Aren't the holidays perfect. Family, friends, cousins, in-laws, his grandparents, my dad's house, his uncle's house, my mom's house, my cousin's at our house...you get the picture. Discussing where to go and what to do for the holidays is no easy task and can cause spontaneous combustion.
Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.
Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:
1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.
2. Decide that your spouse is number one.
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.
If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.
Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.
3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.
4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.
I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.
Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!
Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.
Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:
1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.
2. Decide that your spouse is number one.
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.
If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.
Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.
3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.
4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.
I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.
Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Arguing - Choose Wisely
The other day my hubby and I got into a huge argument. It was surprising and different than normal. It was different because we were in a car with another couple (close friends). It was surprising because it got out of control.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Gratituesday - Leaky Pipes
My husband is traveling for work this week. That means a lot falls on my shoulders this week that he usually does around the house.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Vulnerability in Marriage - Part II
Part II (You can read Part I here)
The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.
Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.
I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.
There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body, if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.
If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.
What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.
I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.
The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.
Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.
I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.
There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body, if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.
If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.
What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.
I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Vulnerability in Marriage - Part I
Part I (You can read Part II here)
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.
Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.
One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.
For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.
Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.
Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).
Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.
These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II is coming soon.
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.
Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.
One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.
For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.
Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.
Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).
Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.
These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II is coming soon.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Post College Expectations
If you are anything like me, then you also had GREAT expectations for what it would look like when you finished college.
My expectations included some of the following descriptions. I planned to have a large house, maybe not immediately, but surely by 27 (the age I am now). I'd be able to decorate it with matching pieces of furniture. I planned to buy nice clothes (like Banana Republic, etc.). I thought that I would be wearing those nice clothes to a nice paying job that I would enjoy. I assumed I'd find a husband, but wasn't that positive about my hopes for marriage (which have changed greatly and will be addressed in another post.) I figured I'd be able to eat out regularly at fancy restaurants if I wanted to (I didn't know how to cook until age 25ish). I thought I could afford a nice car as well. I figured I'd be making slightly under 100K (before 30:) and be successful at work. I always planned to work outside the home and be able to pay a sitter. I figured I'd travel across the county often and take lots of "little" side trips to the neighboring states.
Ohh, foolish me. What I didn't anticipate was my debt or how my major in sociology would effect my ability to get paid 100K. Somewhere in my mind I thought I'd make enough money to outrun my excessive spending, simply because I'd be getting paid a lot. I figured I'd slowly pay off student loans/mortgage while I quickly made a lot of money.
How do things stack up now that I've been done with graduate courses for two years? I don't make 100K. I actually made better money delivering pizzas (tips included) in high school. I made about 10$/hr to deliver pizza and then made anywhere from 2-15$/hr in tips. Wow, maybe I should look into that again. Ok, really I love being a crisis counselor. I love to help people in need. But, people in need can't afford to pay for services. So most of my income comes from the government and grants. I make about 11$/hr at my morning job. My afternoon job pays a bit better at 13.75$/hr. OUCH. That is not what I expected to be making at 27.
I do have a house (that we can afford), but it's filled with my families second hand stuff. My house actually looks like my grandma's living room twenty years ago:) I can't afford to buy new pieces so nothing matches. Or, perhaps I should say it's "eclectic"?? My closets are filled with clothes from since I was 16. My new clothes are generally second hand from Plato's Closet. I don't have a new car, but I did purchase my Buick from my grandparents. I can't complain for a second about my car. Traveling has happened some for us. We got free plane tickets (thanks to getting booted off another flight) so we have visited our friends in Colorado. We also saw some friends in New York buy signing up for a credit card that gives you free tickets (I don't recommend this).
I learned how to cook. Actually my husband I both learned from the Food Network. We don't have cable anymore, but we did have cable for our first two years of marriage. I loved watching and ultimately my hubby and I learned to cook. Which is a good thing because it is so much cheaper to make your own food at home. This also allows for leftovers. We can't afford to eat out very much.We have actually become very picky about our food and where it comes from.
I did find an amazing man and have changed many of my (previously bitter) views about marriage.
What happens when expectations don't meet reality? Well, I'm working on learning to be content with what I have. I have always had a creative mind. I have ideas flowing out of me. For example, I plan to write a book someday about relationships and am using this blog as a way to practice my writing. I can easily see how I could sell a million books and be successful financially. On the other hand, I have not sold a million books yet and need to live with my 20$ couch from Craigslist for the time being. I am trying to balance contentment with the possibilities of tomorrow. It's a slippery slope balancing dreams of tomorrow with the reality of today. It takes practice and some days that balancing act gets the best of me.
How do you balance contentment today with setting goals for tomorrow?
My expectations included some of the following descriptions. I planned to have a large house, maybe not immediately, but surely by 27 (the age I am now). I'd be able to decorate it with matching pieces of furniture. I planned to buy nice clothes (like Banana Republic, etc.). I thought that I would be wearing those nice clothes to a nice paying job that I would enjoy. I assumed I'd find a husband, but wasn't that positive about my hopes for marriage (which have changed greatly and will be addressed in another post.) I figured I'd be able to eat out regularly at fancy restaurants if I wanted to (I didn't know how to cook until age 25ish). I thought I could afford a nice car as well. I figured I'd be making slightly under 100K (before 30:) and be successful at work. I always planned to work outside the home and be able to pay a sitter. I figured I'd travel across the county often and take lots of "little" side trips to the neighboring states.
Ohh, foolish me. What I didn't anticipate was my debt or how my major in sociology would effect my ability to get paid 100K. Somewhere in my mind I thought I'd make enough money to outrun my excessive spending, simply because I'd be getting paid a lot. I figured I'd slowly pay off student loans/mortgage while I quickly made a lot of money.
How do things stack up now that I've been done with graduate courses for two years? I don't make 100K. I actually made better money delivering pizzas (tips included) in high school. I made about 10$/hr to deliver pizza and then made anywhere from 2-15$/hr in tips. Wow, maybe I should look into that again. Ok, really I love being a crisis counselor. I love to help people in need. But, people in need can't afford to pay for services. So most of my income comes from the government and grants. I make about 11$/hr at my morning job. My afternoon job pays a bit better at 13.75$/hr. OUCH. That is not what I expected to be making at 27.
I do have a house (that we can afford), but it's filled with my families second hand stuff. My house actually looks like my grandma's living room twenty years ago:) I can't afford to buy new pieces so nothing matches. Or, perhaps I should say it's "eclectic"?? My closets are filled with clothes from since I was 16. My new clothes are generally second hand from Plato's Closet. I don't have a new car, but I did purchase my Buick from my grandparents. I can't complain for a second about my car. Traveling has happened some for us. We got free plane tickets (thanks to getting booted off another flight) so we have visited our friends in Colorado. We also saw some friends in New York buy signing up for a credit card that gives you free tickets (I don't recommend this).
I learned how to cook. Actually my husband I both learned from the Food Network. We don't have cable anymore, but we did have cable for our first two years of marriage. I loved watching and ultimately my hubby and I learned to cook. Which is a good thing because it is so much cheaper to make your own food at home. This also allows for leftovers. We can't afford to eat out very much.We have actually become very picky about our food and where it comes from.
I did find an amazing man and have changed many of my (previously bitter) views about marriage.
What happens when expectations don't meet reality? Well, I'm working on learning to be content with what I have. I have always had a creative mind. I have ideas flowing out of me. For example, I plan to write a book someday about relationships and am using this blog as a way to practice my writing. I can easily see how I could sell a million books and be successful financially. On the other hand, I have not sold a million books yet and need to live with my 20$ couch from Craigslist for the time being. I am trying to balance contentment with the possibilities of tomorrow. It's a slippery slope balancing dreams of tomorrow with the reality of today. It takes practice and some days that balancing act gets the best of me.
How do you balance contentment today with setting goals for tomorrow?
Billy's Bakery - my favorite one in New York City
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Gratituesday - Powerful Words of Women
My husband and I attend a class on Sunday mornings with a small group of other young married couples. We talked this week about how words are powerful. We were actually addressing Gary Chapman's book about the 5 love languages. Gary has a quiz that you can take to figure out your love language.
I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.
Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.
Here is what the husband generally draws:
The circle in the center represents him. The circle
overlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.
In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:
I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.
What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.
What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.
When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.
I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me. OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.
I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.
When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.
It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.
I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.
Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.
Here is what the husband generally draws:
The circle in the center represents him. The circleoverlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.
In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:
I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.
What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.
What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.
When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.
I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me. OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.
I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.
When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.
It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)