Vulnerability in Marriage - Part I

Part I  (You can read Part II here)


I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.

Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.

One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.

For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.

Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.

Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).

Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.

These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II  is coming soon.