Family Trepidation...I Mean Traditions

Aren't the holidays perfect. Family, friends, cousins, in-laws, his grandparents, my dad's house, his uncle's house, my mom's house, my cousin's at our house...you get the picture. Discussing where to go and what to do for the holidays is no easy task and can cause spontaneous combustion.

Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.

Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:

1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.


2. Decide that your spouse is number one. 
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.

If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.

Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.

3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.

4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.

I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier  for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.

Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Gratitudesday - Great In-laws

Ah, thank God I have great in-laws. My husband's parents have played and continue to play a big role in our lives. And now, more than two years into our marriage, I am starting to see what a difference it makes.

Today a co-worker commented on how she would rather work this weekend than be at home. Apparently her in-laws are coming to town and they hate her, or maybe she hates them. What a terrible situation. The tension that can boil up has the potential to ruin any family event. I've heard horror stories about in-laws. They seem to take on many different and potentially hazardous roles. Some mothers/fathers treat their sons/daughters like a god, some mothers treat their sons with major disrespect, some treat their child like a person who is incapable of making a good decision on their own. Some, just plain hate the spouse because they're not good enough for their own family. Bad in-laws can harm a perfectly good marriage in it's infancy.

I am thankful that my in-laws are willing to love us, but let us live our lives as well. We get invitations from them. Sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can't. They don't pressure us to come and don't threaten us when we can't make it. They often say "no pressure" and (more importantly) they mean it. They don't ever hold it over us if we can't make it. They are willing to be flexible as well. Sometimes traditions have to change and my in-laws are willing to make those changes as needed. They are willing to speak up if they don't think we are doing something right, and we are willing to listen because they don't abuse this power. Because of this role in our lives, my in-laws also get to enjoy us often. Because of this no pressure invite, we come as often as we can and we have smiles on our faces.

Overall my in-laws are awesome role models for our marriage. I think my hubby and I would both be glad to be where they're at when we are in our fifties. They communicate well and stand on solid ground with each other...even after more than 30 years of marriage. Not to mention they are great cooks!

                                                                 Easter dinner this year!