This post is about the number one problem I hear most newly married couples complaining about.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Family Trepidation...I Mean Traditions
Aren't the holidays perfect. Family, friends, cousins, in-laws, his grandparents, my dad's house, his uncle's house, my mom's house, my cousin's at our house...you get the picture. Discussing where to go and what to do for the holidays is no easy task and can cause spontaneous combustion.
Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.
Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:
1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.
2. Decide that your spouse is number one.
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.
If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.
Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.
3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.
4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.
I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.
Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!
Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.
Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:
1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.
2. Decide that your spouse is number one.
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.
If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.
Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.
3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.
4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.
I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.
Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Is Love a Verb?
Since we are discussing grammar, it might help to start by saying that love is defined in many ways. However, the most common American understanding of love can be seen played out in TV shows, movies, and songs. The shows and movies suggest that love is something that we wait around for. Something mysterious. Something we look for and may not find. Something that can end without any idea why it ended. Something that hits us upside the head when it finds us.
Initial "falling" in love is described by some researchers as "passionate" love and generally lasts from 6-30 months. The love that comes after that is known as "compassionate" love. Although there can be variations with how these types of love work (i.e. arranged marriages, breakups) there is a general understanding by relationship researchers that these are stages that happen in most relationships.
When TV shows, songs, or movies address love...they usually refer to passionate love. It's hot, sexy, passionate, and entertaining...you might consider it as made for the movies. What is not captured though, during this first few months of a new relationship is what happens over time. Being honest, vulnerable, caring, and respectful of a mate is definitely NOT made for the movies primarily because it takes so much time to develop these characteristics within a relationship.
Although most Americans can see that these lasting values are probably necessary for a marriage, I think we've been confused about how to move from the passionate love to the compassionate love stage or how to operate once we are in the compassionate love stage. Based on the movies, it's very easy to feel that if your spouse is not "making you feel" passionate love, that your relationship is doomed. I think many couples look up after a few years of marriage and realize that they are not feeling those passionate feelings and suddenly wonder if they've "chosen" the right person. Or they wonder if they've "fallen" out of love. But....falling out of love is actually a choice.
My argument is that love is a verb. Love is choice. Love is an action (or inaction). If you have "fallen" out of love, then it has been due to a series of choices you and your partner made over a period of time. The choices that we have to make regarding love come every day, multiple times a day. We can make the right choice (to choose love) or the wrong choice. For example, you wake up and roll over. Your mate isn't turning off the alarm clock right away and you get annoyed. You can react in positive way or in a negative way. This seemingly tiny choice can have major consequences when played out over many years. Or, when your spouse is talking with you about their bad day and you choose to answer your cell phone instead of listening. Love is when you react to your spouse in a respectful way. In an attentive way. Every time you interact with your spouse you have a choice to choose to create more love in the relationship.
Just as a muscle builds over time, so does a good relationship. But, when muscles are not used (over a long period of time) they shrink. When you react in an unloving way to your spouse many times over a long time period, you have chosen to create less love in the relationship. The relationship starts to shrink. The choice to work out 5 days a week pays off...over time. And when you miss a day in the gym, you're body is just fine. Likewise a relationship can handle a bad day, month, or even a bad year when it has been worked on daily.
Just as there is no quick way to build muscle...a solid relationship is developed over time by making the right choice most of the time. Tolstoy's quote is fitting, "All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." It's easier to describe what works for a relationship, rather than what won't work. Making choices regularly that are mentioned in this post will lead to a healthier relationship. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because basic principles remain true.
It's a choice to respond respectfully to your mate instead of sarcastically. It's a choice to have sex. It's a choice to share with your mate how much you spent. It' s a choice to share a difficult childhood experience with your partner. It's a choice to spend time doing what they want to do. It's a choice to give them a gift, write them a love note, be honest, be vulnerable, spend time with their friends, let them see you cry, praise them, share a bank account, argue fairly, seek advice from them, trust them, react positively, enjoy their presence, engage them, show interest in them, say the right thing when they said the wrong thing, etc.
If you are still in the passionate love stage I encourage you use your emotions as a jumping off point for making some of the above choices. If you start choosing to love your spouse in the passionate love stage then it will be very easy to transition to compassionate love.
If you are beyond the passionate love stage and have not found your footing in the compassionate love stage, then I encourage you to start reacting positively to your partner. Here is a post on 2 more specific things you can do to build compassionate love. Women, here is a post specifically about the words you use with your husbands. Here is a post to help you learn to agree about money...something that builds love without a doubt.
I promise you it's worth it. Making the choice to love your partner over and over again will allow you to have an incredibly complex, respectful, and connected relationship. If passionate love is like an apple seed than compassionate love is like having the whole apple tree. One that grows strong and deep.
Initial "falling" in love is described by some researchers as "passionate" love and generally lasts from 6-30 months. The love that comes after that is known as "compassionate" love. Although there can be variations with how these types of love work (i.e. arranged marriages, breakups) there is a general understanding by relationship researchers that these are stages that happen in most relationships.
When TV shows, songs, or movies address love...they usually refer to passionate love. It's hot, sexy, passionate, and entertaining...you might consider it as made for the movies. What is not captured though, during this first few months of a new relationship is what happens over time. Being honest, vulnerable, caring, and respectful of a mate is definitely NOT made for the movies primarily because it takes so much time to develop these characteristics within a relationship.
Although most Americans can see that these lasting values are probably necessary for a marriage, I think we've been confused about how to move from the passionate love to the compassionate love stage or how to operate once we are in the compassionate love stage. Based on the movies, it's very easy to feel that if your spouse is not "making you feel" passionate love, that your relationship is doomed. I think many couples look up after a few years of marriage and realize that they are not feeling those passionate feelings and suddenly wonder if they've "chosen" the right person. Or they wonder if they've "fallen" out of love. But....falling out of love is actually a choice.
My argument is that love is a verb. Love is choice. Love is an action (or inaction). If you have "fallen" out of love, then it has been due to a series of choices you and your partner made over a period of time. The choices that we have to make regarding love come every day, multiple times a day. We can make the right choice (to choose love) or the wrong choice. For example, you wake up and roll over. Your mate isn't turning off the alarm clock right away and you get annoyed. You can react in positive way or in a negative way. This seemingly tiny choice can have major consequences when played out over many years. Or, when your spouse is talking with you about their bad day and you choose to answer your cell phone instead of listening. Love is when you react to your spouse in a respectful way. In an attentive way. Every time you interact with your spouse you have a choice to choose to create more love in the relationship.
Just as a muscle builds over time, so does a good relationship. But, when muscles are not used (over a long period of time) they shrink. When you react in an unloving way to your spouse many times over a long time period, you have chosen to create less love in the relationship. The relationship starts to shrink. The choice to work out 5 days a week pays off...over time. And when you miss a day in the gym, you're body is just fine. Likewise a relationship can handle a bad day, month, or even a bad year when it has been worked on daily.
Just as there is no quick way to build muscle...a solid relationship is developed over time by making the right choice most of the time. Tolstoy's quote is fitting, "All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." It's easier to describe what works for a relationship, rather than what won't work. Making choices regularly that are mentioned in this post will lead to a healthier relationship. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because basic principles remain true.
It's a choice to respond respectfully to your mate instead of sarcastically. It's a choice to have sex. It's a choice to share with your mate how much you spent. It' s a choice to share a difficult childhood experience with your partner. It's a choice to spend time doing what they want to do. It's a choice to give them a gift, write them a love note, be honest, be vulnerable, spend time with their friends, let them see you cry, praise them, share a bank account, argue fairly, seek advice from them, trust them, react positively, enjoy their presence, engage them, show interest in them, say the right thing when they said the wrong thing, etc.
If you are still in the passionate love stage I encourage you use your emotions as a jumping off point for making some of the above choices. If you start choosing to love your spouse in the passionate love stage then it will be very easy to transition to compassionate love.
If you are beyond the passionate love stage and have not found your footing in the compassionate love stage, then I encourage you to start reacting positively to your partner. Here is a post on 2 more specific things you can do to build compassionate love. Women, here is a post specifically about the words you use with your husbands. Here is a post to help you learn to agree about money...something that builds love without a doubt.
I promise you it's worth it. Making the choice to love your partner over and over again will allow you to have an incredibly complex, respectful, and connected relationship. If passionate love is like an apple seed than compassionate love is like having the whole apple tree. One that grows strong and deep.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Arguing - Choose Wisely
The other day my hubby and I got into a huge argument. It was surprising and different than normal. It was different because we were in a car with another couple (close friends). It was surprising because it got out of control.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Gratituesday - Leaky Pipes
My husband is traveling for work this week. That means a lot falls on my shoulders this week that he usually does around the house.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
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