For the Ladies: How to Motivate Your Husbands

I don't have all the answers, but there is one thing I think can help change the course of a failing marriage.

I make mistakes a lot. One major mistake I made at the beginning of our marriage was that I didn't understand that my husband is motivated by respect. I thought his felt need for love was the same as mine. I didn't know or think that he thought and saw things differently than I did. I didn't realize that what sounded to me like a casual comment, was actually something that made him feel like I  took an axe to his heart. Boy, was I wrong. When I started to get it right, we very quickly got on a path that helped our marriage to grow.

What does disrespect look like? A while ago we were having an argument about the budget. My friend called during our discussion. I thought we could take a break and continue the conversation later. My husband felt it was really disrespectful that I picked up the phone. He felt that our conversation deserved priority over the friend conversation. My answering the phone made our conversation worse and definitely did NOT motivate him to have a better discussion with me.

Today, one thing I do well (most of the time) is that I respect my husband, in public and in private (I can see the younger me scoffing at that sentence). That doesn't mean I bow down to him or pretend that I agree with everything he says. On the contrary, we have some pretty disagreeable conversations. What it does mean is that I am capable of motivating him in our marriage. The thing that makes it work often is that I NOW know what I'm aiming at... it's respect.

In our culture today we hear time and again that LOVE is everything in a marriage. But, we rarely hear about respect, and men often don't think of using that word when they are trying to describe what they need more of in a relationship.

Interestingly, Aretha Franklin's hit song (RESPECT) was written by a man.

What is respect? Here are some definitions I found, "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person," "a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard," and "willingness to show consideration or appreciation."

Think back to how you felt about your husband when you first met or when you first started dating. I bet these descriptions were something you could have agreed with. I bet this is how you could have described your feelings about him. But, it's easy to forget how we felt when we were dating.

What does it mean to show him respect? It means building him up in public and in private. One of the more respectful actions you can take is to say positive things about him in front of friends/family. If you disagree with him (and you're not making a big decision on the spot like buying a car) you should generally talk about it in private. Here I talk about an argument we had with our friends in the car (aka: not in private). The argument would have gone much more smoothly if we had waited until we were home.

Have you ever talked positively about your husband in public? If not, you should try it the next chance you get. When he hears you praising something he's done in front of others he will likely feel energized and joyful. You'll likely be able to see the reaction on his face right away. He will likely feel more motivated to be loving towards you.

Another action you can take that shows respect is by considering him when making choices about your life. Talk with him about decisions you are about to make regarding your job, kids, finances, house plans, chores, etc. This is how you can "show consideration" for him and what he has to say.

I believe if this "tactic" is taken seriously and used daily it can help a severely damaged marriage get back on the right track.

Ladies, if you wonder how much your words mean to your husbands, read this post!

If you're the husband...here I write about how men can motivate their wives with love.


PS. The idea for this post came directly from Dr. Eggerichs. Check him out if you have time.

Are You on the Rich List?

According to the Global Rich List, if you make 25,000$ a year or more you are in the top ten percent of the world's richest people.

That is a powerful statement. It's easy to forget the difference between a need and a want in a nation where you can seemingly have anything. Did you ever say, "Mom, I NEED new clothes for school?"

It's easy to forget that you are rich when you compare yourself to celebrities in this country. TV allows us to see inside the most luxurious homes in the world.

It's easy to overlook the fact that (many of) our "poor" in America have shelter, clothing, food, hot showers, television, phones, transportation, toilet paper, access to medicine, education, internet access, etc. Some of our so-called poor are not in the same state of poverty as others are in this world.

Some days it's easy for me to have a bad attitude because of all the things I don't have. That's when I need some perspective.

The rich list helps me remember how much I really have in this life. It helps me to realize that I am rich and that I should have a grateful attitude instead of a sour one.

When I traveled to Nicaragua for a medical mission trip I gained perspective on how much I have. People walked miles and waited in the heat all day just to see a doctor. These same people walked in the dirt without shoes, didn't get to take many showers (let alone hot ones), and had to work very hard to feed their families. Many of them had grateful attitudes that their child was getting to see a doctor for the first time ever. They were grateful to have something treated that took only 5 minutes (and cheap pills) to fix, but would have taken the life of their child if gone untreated.

They also showed me it's possible to be joyful in a situation where you don't have all your NEEDS met.

On this Gratituesday I realize that I'm rich, and my attitude and actions (giving to others) should reflect that. Are you rich?

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Please join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!