Arguing - Choose Wisely

The other day my hubby and I got into a huge argument. It was surprising and different than normal. It was different because we were in a car with another couple (close friends). It was surprising because it got out of control.

We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.

Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.

You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.

The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.

I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.