Since we are discussing grammar, it might help to start by saying that love is defined in many ways. However, the most common American understanding of love can be seen played out in TV shows, movies, and songs. The shows and movies suggest that love is something that we wait around for. Something mysterious. Something we look for and may not find. Something that can end without any idea why it ended. Something that hits us upside the head when it finds us.
Initial "falling" in love is described by some researchers as "passionate" love and generally lasts from 6-30 months. The love that comes after that is known as "compassionate" love. Although there can be variations with how these types of love work (i.e. arranged marriages, breakups) there is a general understanding by relationship researchers that these are stages that happen in most relationships.
When TV shows, songs, or movies address love...they usually refer to passionate love. It's hot, sexy, passionate, and entertaining...you might consider it as made for the movies. What is not captured though, during this first few months of a new relationship is what happens over time. Being honest, vulnerable, caring, and respectful of a mate is definitely NOT made for the movies primarily because it takes so much time to develop these characteristics within a relationship.
Although most Americans can see that these lasting values are probably necessary for a marriage, I think we've been confused about how to move from the passionate love to the compassionate love stage or how to operate once we are in the compassionate love stage. Based on the movies, it's very easy to feel that if your spouse is not "making you feel" passionate love, that your relationship is doomed. I think many couples look up after a few years of marriage and realize that they are not feeling those passionate feelings and suddenly wonder if they've "chosen" the right person. Or they wonder if they've "fallen" out of love. But....falling out of love is actually a choice.
My argument is that love is a verb. Love is choice. Love is an action (or inaction). If you have "fallen" out of love, then it has been due to a series of choices you and your partner made over a period of time. The choices that we have to make regarding love come every day, multiple times a day. We can make the right choice (to choose love) or the wrong choice. For example, you wake up and roll over. Your mate isn't turning off the alarm clock right away and you get annoyed. You can react in positive way or in a negative way. This seemingly tiny choice can have major consequences when played out over many years. Or, when your spouse is talking with you about their bad day and you choose to answer your cell phone instead of listening. Love is when you react to your spouse in a respectful way. In an attentive way. Every time you interact with your spouse you have a choice to choose to create more love in the relationship.
Just as a muscle builds over time, so does a good relationship. But, when muscles are not used (over a long period of time) they shrink. When you react in an unloving way to your spouse many times over a long time period, you have chosen to create less love in the relationship. The relationship starts to shrink. The choice to work out 5 days a week pays off...over time. And when you miss a day in the gym, you're body is just fine. Likewise a relationship can handle a bad day, month, or even a bad year when it has been worked on daily.
Just as there is no quick way to build muscle...a solid relationship is developed over time by making the right choice most of the time. Tolstoy's quote is fitting, "All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." It's easier to describe what works for a relationship, rather than what won't work. Making choices regularly that are mentioned in this post will lead to a healthier relationship. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because basic principles remain true.
It's a choice to respond respectfully to your mate instead of sarcastically. It's a choice to have sex. It's a choice to share with your mate how much you spent. It' s a choice to share a difficult childhood experience with your partner. It's a choice to spend time doing what they want to do. It's a choice to give them a gift, write them a love note, be honest, be vulnerable, spend time with their friends, let them see you cry, praise them, share a bank account, argue fairly, seek advice from them, trust them, react positively, enjoy their presence, engage them, show interest in them, say the right thing when they said the wrong thing, etc.
If you are still in the passionate love stage I encourage you use your emotions as a jumping off point for making some of the above choices. If you start choosing to love your spouse in the passionate love stage then it will be very easy to transition to compassionate love.
If you are beyond the passionate love stage and have not found your footing in the compassionate love stage, then I encourage you to start reacting positively to your partner. Here is a post on 2 more specific things you can do to build compassionate love. Women, here is a post specifically about the words you use with your husbands. Here is a post to help you learn to agree about money...something that builds love without a doubt.
I promise you it's worth it. Making the choice to love your partner over and over again will allow you to have an incredibly complex, respectful, and connected relationship. If passionate love is like an apple seed than compassionate love is like having the whole apple tree. One that grows strong and deep.
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