How can you get happiness from a marriage?
It seems one obvious answer would involve getting to do lots of things you like with someone you love. A more correct answer (according to one study) may place the focus more on giving to your spouse rather than getting.
What have you done for your spouse lately? Likely you have been faithful, returned their phone calls, and performed your usual household chores that are on your half of the list. It may be less likely that you've done more than that. It can be hard to go above and beyond if your spouse isn't holding up their end of the deal or doing less than their "half." Think back though...when is the last time you did a chore on your spouse's list, called just to say I Love You, or were more affectionate or intimate than usual???
It may be time to recall how to be generous. Studies are finding that happy marriages are generous marriages.
I think it's especially useful to be generous to your spouse when they are not on their "best behavior." These are easily the times when it's hardest to do the basics, let alone any extras. But, being generous is infectious and can change the course of a marriage either in the short term or for the long term.
I started off our marriage with the goal of being as equal as possible. This meant making sure that we each were doing work on our home, our marriage, contributing financially, etc. But, my goal of creating an "equal" marriage actually placed my focus directly on how much my husband was doing...or how little. My focus and attitude would spawn arguments about whether or not I was working during the time he was working. If I did dishes for the last hour he was at work, then we should both spend another hour doing more chores when he got home. If I spent time cooking while he was watching a football game, then he should have to work for the next hour while I talked on the phone with a friend.
It's amazing how we can go from intimate partners who hope to meet their mate's every need to people who only want to do their "share" if even that much.
See where this is going yet? Perhaps not. It sounds pretty FAIR doesn't it. I think so, but the problem is not so much how we are each spending our hours, the problem is that the focus of the marriage becomes more about how much work is being done by which person and less about spending time with and caring for someone you love.
I realize chores have to get done. I'm arguing for a shift in perspective here. When the attitude of someone is about comparing hours worked, then the attitude cannot be about "what can I do for my spouse." If you felt as strongly about equality as I did then I promise you it's very difficult to make the transition from wondering how much work your spouse actually did... to purposely doing more than 50% of the work because you want to show your love for them.
If you make yourself focus more on what you can do for your spouse (and less on what they have done for you) I promise your marriage will improve. It is a transition I've been trying to go through lately. Luckily, my husband started out with the attitude of service, "what can I do for her." Unfortunately for him, I have had to grow myself (over the years). He has had to put up with a lot from me, but he continues to bring the right attitude. That has allowed me to think more about what I can do for my friend and spouse, and less about what he has done for me.
It seems that the more each spouse gives to the other, the happier they are. Strange, who would have thought that giving your time, emotions, attention, body, etc., would allow for such a wonderful marriage dynamic? Some of my professors in college advised us to seek marital equality with a vengeance. Funny that didn't work out and funny those professors aren't married anymore....
Look around at the marriages that are long lasting and full of happiness. I bet you each of the marital partners focus more on what they can do to help their best friend and lover out than on what has been done for them lately.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Creatures of Habit - Making a Healthy Marriage a Habit
We are creatures of habit. Without a doubt, what our body does on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... our mind will want to do on Friday.
What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.
The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.
There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.
I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.
In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults.
I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.
Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.
It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.
Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.
What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.
The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.
There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.
I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.
In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults.
I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.
Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.
It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.
Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
#1 Problem in New Marriages
This post is about the number one problem I hear most newly married couples complaining about.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Family Trepidation...I Mean Traditions
Aren't the holidays perfect. Family, friends, cousins, in-laws, his grandparents, my dad's house, his uncle's house, my mom's house, my cousin's at our house...you get the picture. Discussing where to go and what to do for the holidays is no easy task and can cause spontaneous combustion.
Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.
Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:
1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.
2. Decide that your spouse is number one.
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.
If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.
Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.
3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.
4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.
I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.
Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!
Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.
Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:
1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.
2. Decide that your spouse is number one.
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.
If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.
Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.
3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.
4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.
I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.
Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Is Love a Verb?
Since we are discussing grammar, it might help to start by saying that love is defined in many ways. However, the most common American understanding of love can be seen played out in TV shows, movies, and songs. The shows and movies suggest that love is something that we wait around for. Something mysterious. Something we look for and may not find. Something that can end without any idea why it ended. Something that hits us upside the head when it finds us.
Initial "falling" in love is described by some researchers as "passionate" love and generally lasts from 6-30 months. The love that comes after that is known as "compassionate" love. Although there can be variations with how these types of love work (i.e. arranged marriages, breakups) there is a general understanding by relationship researchers that these are stages that happen in most relationships.
When TV shows, songs, or movies address love...they usually refer to passionate love. It's hot, sexy, passionate, and entertaining...you might consider it as made for the movies. What is not captured though, during this first few months of a new relationship is what happens over time. Being honest, vulnerable, caring, and respectful of a mate is definitely NOT made for the movies primarily because it takes so much time to develop these characteristics within a relationship.
Although most Americans can see that these lasting values are probably necessary for a marriage, I think we've been confused about how to move from the passionate love to the compassionate love stage or how to operate once we are in the compassionate love stage. Based on the movies, it's very easy to feel that if your spouse is not "making you feel" passionate love, that your relationship is doomed. I think many couples look up after a few years of marriage and realize that they are not feeling those passionate feelings and suddenly wonder if they've "chosen" the right person. Or they wonder if they've "fallen" out of love. But....falling out of love is actually a choice.
My argument is that love is a verb. Love is choice. Love is an action (or inaction). If you have "fallen" out of love, then it has been due to a series of choices you and your partner made over a period of time. The choices that we have to make regarding love come every day, multiple times a day. We can make the right choice (to choose love) or the wrong choice. For example, you wake up and roll over. Your mate isn't turning off the alarm clock right away and you get annoyed. You can react in positive way or in a negative way. This seemingly tiny choice can have major consequences when played out over many years. Or, when your spouse is talking with you about their bad day and you choose to answer your cell phone instead of listening. Love is when you react to your spouse in a respectful way. In an attentive way. Every time you interact with your spouse you have a choice to choose to create more love in the relationship.
Just as a muscle builds over time, so does a good relationship. But, when muscles are not used (over a long period of time) they shrink. When you react in an unloving way to your spouse many times over a long time period, you have chosen to create less love in the relationship. The relationship starts to shrink. The choice to work out 5 days a week pays off...over time. And when you miss a day in the gym, you're body is just fine. Likewise a relationship can handle a bad day, month, or even a bad year when it has been worked on daily.
Just as there is no quick way to build muscle...a solid relationship is developed over time by making the right choice most of the time. Tolstoy's quote is fitting, "All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." It's easier to describe what works for a relationship, rather than what won't work. Making choices regularly that are mentioned in this post will lead to a healthier relationship. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because basic principles remain true.
It's a choice to respond respectfully to your mate instead of sarcastically. It's a choice to have sex. It's a choice to share with your mate how much you spent. It' s a choice to share a difficult childhood experience with your partner. It's a choice to spend time doing what they want to do. It's a choice to give them a gift, write them a love note, be honest, be vulnerable, spend time with their friends, let them see you cry, praise them, share a bank account, argue fairly, seek advice from them, trust them, react positively, enjoy their presence, engage them, show interest in them, say the right thing when they said the wrong thing, etc.
If you are still in the passionate love stage I encourage you use your emotions as a jumping off point for making some of the above choices. If you start choosing to love your spouse in the passionate love stage then it will be very easy to transition to compassionate love.
If you are beyond the passionate love stage and have not found your footing in the compassionate love stage, then I encourage you to start reacting positively to your partner. Here is a post on 2 more specific things you can do to build compassionate love. Women, here is a post specifically about the words you use with your husbands. Here is a post to help you learn to agree about money...something that builds love without a doubt.
I promise you it's worth it. Making the choice to love your partner over and over again will allow you to have an incredibly complex, respectful, and connected relationship. If passionate love is like an apple seed than compassionate love is like having the whole apple tree. One that grows strong and deep.
Initial "falling" in love is described by some researchers as "passionate" love and generally lasts from 6-30 months. The love that comes after that is known as "compassionate" love. Although there can be variations with how these types of love work (i.e. arranged marriages, breakups) there is a general understanding by relationship researchers that these are stages that happen in most relationships.
When TV shows, songs, or movies address love...they usually refer to passionate love. It's hot, sexy, passionate, and entertaining...you might consider it as made for the movies. What is not captured though, during this first few months of a new relationship is what happens over time. Being honest, vulnerable, caring, and respectful of a mate is definitely NOT made for the movies primarily because it takes so much time to develop these characteristics within a relationship.
Although most Americans can see that these lasting values are probably necessary for a marriage, I think we've been confused about how to move from the passionate love to the compassionate love stage or how to operate once we are in the compassionate love stage. Based on the movies, it's very easy to feel that if your spouse is not "making you feel" passionate love, that your relationship is doomed. I think many couples look up after a few years of marriage and realize that they are not feeling those passionate feelings and suddenly wonder if they've "chosen" the right person. Or they wonder if they've "fallen" out of love. But....falling out of love is actually a choice.
My argument is that love is a verb. Love is choice. Love is an action (or inaction). If you have "fallen" out of love, then it has been due to a series of choices you and your partner made over a period of time. The choices that we have to make regarding love come every day, multiple times a day. We can make the right choice (to choose love) or the wrong choice. For example, you wake up and roll over. Your mate isn't turning off the alarm clock right away and you get annoyed. You can react in positive way or in a negative way. This seemingly tiny choice can have major consequences when played out over many years. Or, when your spouse is talking with you about their bad day and you choose to answer your cell phone instead of listening. Love is when you react to your spouse in a respectful way. In an attentive way. Every time you interact with your spouse you have a choice to choose to create more love in the relationship.
Just as a muscle builds over time, so does a good relationship. But, when muscles are not used (over a long period of time) they shrink. When you react in an unloving way to your spouse many times over a long time period, you have chosen to create less love in the relationship. The relationship starts to shrink. The choice to work out 5 days a week pays off...over time. And when you miss a day in the gym, you're body is just fine. Likewise a relationship can handle a bad day, month, or even a bad year when it has been worked on daily.
Just as there is no quick way to build muscle...a solid relationship is developed over time by making the right choice most of the time. Tolstoy's quote is fitting, "All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." It's easier to describe what works for a relationship, rather than what won't work. Making choices regularly that are mentioned in this post will lead to a healthier relationship. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because basic principles remain true.
It's a choice to respond respectfully to your mate instead of sarcastically. It's a choice to have sex. It's a choice to share with your mate how much you spent. It' s a choice to share a difficult childhood experience with your partner. It's a choice to spend time doing what they want to do. It's a choice to give them a gift, write them a love note, be honest, be vulnerable, spend time with their friends, let them see you cry, praise them, share a bank account, argue fairly, seek advice from them, trust them, react positively, enjoy their presence, engage them, show interest in them, say the right thing when they said the wrong thing, etc.
If you are still in the passionate love stage I encourage you use your emotions as a jumping off point for making some of the above choices. If you start choosing to love your spouse in the passionate love stage then it will be very easy to transition to compassionate love.
If you are beyond the passionate love stage and have not found your footing in the compassionate love stage, then I encourage you to start reacting positively to your partner. Here is a post on 2 more specific things you can do to build compassionate love. Women, here is a post specifically about the words you use with your husbands. Here is a post to help you learn to agree about money...something that builds love without a doubt.
I promise you it's worth it. Making the choice to love your partner over and over again will allow you to have an incredibly complex, respectful, and connected relationship. If passionate love is like an apple seed than compassionate love is like having the whole apple tree. One that grows strong and deep.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Arguing - Choose Wisely
The other day my hubby and I got into a huge argument. It was surprising and different than normal. It was different because we were in a car with another couple (close friends). It was surprising because it got out of control.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Gratituesday - Leaky Pipes
My husband is traveling for work this week. That means a lot falls on my shoulders this week that he usually does around the house.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Vulnerability in Marriage - Part II
Part II (You can read Part I here)
The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.
Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.
I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.
There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body, if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.
If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.
What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.
I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.
The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.
Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.
I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.
There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body, if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.
If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.
What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.
I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Vulnerability in Marriage - Part I
Part I (You can read Part II here)
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.
Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.
One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.
For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.
Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.
Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).
Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.
These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II is coming soon.
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.
Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.
One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.
For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.
Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.
Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).
Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.
These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II is coming soon.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What I Know for Sure About Marriage
Disclaimer: Mom, don't read this post.
At 27 I know of two certainties regarding a happy, healthy marriage.
1. Agree about Money
This is no easy task. This can take months and years to figure out. It's a process. But, I encourage you to go for it. It is ever so important that you figure out how to agree about money. When you do, you will find peace with your spouse on a majority of issues. Further, you will find that your spouse and you are united on a a major front. Money touches almost every area of our lives in America. Money is something you use many times a day. If you can find agreement on money you will become a team, ganging up on the outside world and on your debt. In this post I discuss our system for paying back our debt. It really took a long time for us to get on board with recognizing that we needed to agree on money. The system we use allows us to set goals and make them happen, as a couple.
2. Have Sex
Having sex is one of the surest ways I know to have a healthy marriage. For a long time I thought that sex was just sex. It was simply a biological want (not a need) for my husband. I thought that for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have a new shirt. I thought for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have some great chocolate. Neither of these (clothes or chocolate) are a need. I thought sex was just a typical want for my husband.
Boy was I wrong. This book helped me to realize how he thinks about sex. After reading this book I started to realize that sex for him is like an emotional connection for me. He NEEDS to have sex to feel loved, it's not a want. How often do you need your husband to say or show that he loves you? I would prefer to hear or see that every day. How often do you need him to listen to you and connect emotionally? Again, I need this just about every day. Can you imagine what would happen to a relationship if the husband only listened and connected emotionally once a week or once a month? What would happen to the marriage if the husband only said "I Love You" once a year?
A similar breakdown happens for the relationship when the husband only gets to have sex once a week/month/year.
It's probably worth it to say there are times when you likely don't feel like your husband "deserves" sex. This is getting into deep water and I wish I could write a book on just this topic...maybe I will someday. But in short, I would suggest trying to have sex regardless of whether he has been the wonderful, loving husband you expect or something else:) Do this knowing he probably has tried to emotionally connect with you when you weren't being the most wonderful, caring wife you could be either.
There are many reasons why a woman might not want to have sex regularly, which I don't address here. For me it was a game changer to find out it's not just a want (like my new shirt) its a NEED. Having sex with my husband is how he understands that I love him. This is something I know for sure about marriage.
At 27 I know of two certainties regarding a happy, healthy marriage.
1. Agree about Money
This is no easy task. This can take months and years to figure out. It's a process. But, I encourage you to go for it. It is ever so important that you figure out how to agree about money. When you do, you will find peace with your spouse on a majority of issues. Further, you will find that your spouse and you are united on a a major front. Money touches almost every area of our lives in America. Money is something you use many times a day. If you can find agreement on money you will become a team, ganging up on the outside world and on your debt. In this post I discuss our system for paying back our debt. It really took a long time for us to get on board with recognizing that we needed to agree on money. The system we use allows us to set goals and make them happen, as a couple.
2. Have Sex
Having sex is one of the surest ways I know to have a healthy marriage. For a long time I thought that sex was just sex. It was simply a biological want (not a need) for my husband. I thought that for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have a new shirt. I thought for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have some great chocolate. Neither of these (clothes or chocolate) are a need. I thought sex was just a typical want for my husband.
Boy was I wrong. This book helped me to realize how he thinks about sex. After reading this book I started to realize that sex for him is like an emotional connection for me. He NEEDS to have sex to feel loved, it's not a want. How often do you need your husband to say or show that he loves you? I would prefer to hear or see that every day. How often do you need him to listen to you and connect emotionally? Again, I need this just about every day. Can you imagine what would happen to a relationship if the husband only listened and connected emotionally once a week or once a month? What would happen to the marriage if the husband only said "I Love You" once a year?
A similar breakdown happens for the relationship when the husband only gets to have sex once a week/month/year.
It's probably worth it to say there are times when you likely don't feel like your husband "deserves" sex. This is getting into deep water and I wish I could write a book on just this topic...maybe I will someday. But in short, I would suggest trying to have sex regardless of whether he has been the wonderful, loving husband you expect or something else:) Do this knowing he probably has tried to emotionally connect with you when you weren't being the most wonderful, caring wife you could be either.
There are many reasons why a woman might not want to have sex regularly, which I don't address here. For me it was a game changer to find out it's not just a want (like my new shirt) its a NEED. Having sex with my husband is how he understands that I love him. This is something I know for sure about marriage.
Us at a wedding this summer. Comment
not necessary.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Gratituesday - Thesis is Finished
I'm so thankful to be done with my thesis.
I went to graduate school to study sociology. I had to write a thesis (aka: short book) in order to earn my degree. This was a painfully long and difficult task. It took me about 3 and a half years from start to finish. My grandma compared it to pregnancy...with all the difficulties and with knowing the long process it took to deliver. Thank goodness it has arrived.
I actually finished the paper/book back in December 2010. Even today I catch myself reflecting on how glad I am to be done. I learned a lot about myself a long the way.
I learned that I need mentors in my life. My amazing mentor/professor helped me at every step. She encouraged me, gave me deadlines, asked thought-provoking questions, praised my work, and much more. I now know I need someone who has been where I am, and that has gone in a direction I would like to go in. I need friends that are a few steps ahead of me and friends that are way ahead of me... to guide me in the right direction. It is vital for me to have a variety of people in my life that have succeeded at doing the things I want to do.
I have to take one day at a time. Often along the process, I felt overwhelmed about the huge task that lay before me. I would sit down to work on my paper and find my mind wandering to the day I would finish. That day felt like it was light years away. I had a hard time figuring out what to put on page one, let alone page 100. I could not imagine my finished product very well. I had a hard time seeing what the finished paper would look like. Towards the end of the project I sped up because I was able to take one day at a time and break the project into tiny slivers of work.
I like short projects. I am a very creative person. I have ideas flowing out of me all the time. Unfortunately, I couldn't utilize this skill very often when writing my thesis. A thesis requires a lot of intense work on the same paragraph you just spent an hour on. My creative juices were either under-utilized or totally shot...I'm not sure which...from working so hard on just one paragraph at a time. I now look for jobs/projects that can be finished in obvious smaller portions or in shorter periods of time (under 6 months).
Often when I am at my job, I am so thankful I'm not sitting in a coffee shop writing my thesis!
I went to graduate school to study sociology. I had to write a thesis (aka: short book) in order to earn my degree. This was a painfully long and difficult task. It took me about 3 and a half years from start to finish. My grandma compared it to pregnancy...with all the difficulties and with knowing the long process it took to deliver. Thank goodness it has arrived.
I actually finished the paper/book back in December 2010. Even today I catch myself reflecting on how glad I am to be done. I learned a lot about myself a long the way.
I learned that I need mentors in my life. My amazing mentor/professor helped me at every step. She encouraged me, gave me deadlines, asked thought-provoking questions, praised my work, and much more. I now know I need someone who has been where I am, and that has gone in a direction I would like to go in. I need friends that are a few steps ahead of me and friends that are way ahead of me... to guide me in the right direction. It is vital for me to have a variety of people in my life that have succeeded at doing the things I want to do.
I have to take one day at a time. Often along the process, I felt overwhelmed about the huge task that lay before me. I would sit down to work on my paper and find my mind wandering to the day I would finish. That day felt like it was light years away. I had a hard time figuring out what to put on page one, let alone page 100. I could not imagine my finished product very well. I had a hard time seeing what the finished paper would look like. Towards the end of the project I sped up because I was able to take one day at a time and break the project into tiny slivers of work.
I like short projects. I am a very creative person. I have ideas flowing out of me all the time. Unfortunately, I couldn't utilize this skill very often when writing my thesis. A thesis requires a lot of intense work on the same paragraph you just spent an hour on. My creative juices were either under-utilized or totally shot...I'm not sure which...from working so hard on just one paragraph at a time. I now look for jobs/projects that can be finished in obvious smaller portions or in shorter periods of time (under 6 months).
Often when I am at my job, I am so thankful I'm not sitting in a coffee shop writing my thesis!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Yeast-less Pizza Dough
We have friends in town today from Minnesota. We are going to another friend's house in Iowa City to watch the Hawkeye Football game.
My friend is allergic to yeast of all things. So I've been searching the internet for a yeast-less pizza dough recipe. I didn't have to search very long. I found it on one of my favorite websites/blogs. Here is the recipe. Here is the blog it came from.
Go Hawks!
My friend is allergic to yeast of all things. So I've been searching the internet for a yeast-less pizza dough recipe. I didn't have to search very long. I found it on one of my favorite websites/blogs. Here is the recipe. Here is the blog it came from.
Go Hawks!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Perfect Expectations - Imperfect Choices
Growing up I struggled with the idea that there were "Christians" in the church that were not acting very Christian like. I actually stopped going to church as a teenager because I didn't see many people who were doing what they were "supposed to be doing." As a teenager I saw people (in my very large church) swear, be mean, not read their Bible, act greedy, have affairs, get divorced, walk away from God, not help others in need...pretty much any sin that can be a sin...there was someone who did it. As a teenager I became very distrusting of the whole "church" thing. I stopped attending.
Fast forward 10+ years and I'm 27. It's a long story to explain how and why my husband and I "came back" or became interested in God again. But this post is more about expectations and maturity than it is about my spiritual path. One of the main things I realized as I matured is that we all make mistakes, and we have the opportunity to do so hundreds of times a day.
One of the best comparisons I can make to explain why Christians sin has to do with food. How many adults know what food they should be eating to stay or become healthy? I'm guessing most of us do. How many of us, including myself, find it difficult to eat the right food over and over again? I know that I eat up to 10 times a day. I may wander into the kitchen and have a few bites of something here and there. My point is that there are many times throughout the day when you have to make the right decision about eating the right food. Even if you fail just one time, you've failed to eat completely healthy for the day. I think we can all agree that having a cupcake isn't the end of the world. But what if you're a personal trainer? What if you're trying to be a role model to your co-workers or kids? What will they say when they walk in on you eating that huge cupcake covered in frosting? They might say, "See, I knew you didn't eat healthy every minute of every day." Or, "Mom, why do you make me eat carrots when you get to eat a cupcake for snack time." This standard that we hold people to when they say they are "healthy eaters" or "on a diet" is similar to the standard I was holding Christians to.
This comparison is striking for me. I expected every "Christian" in the church (or self-proclaimed) to make the right decision every minute of every day. I expected every Christian to never be mean, always give to the needy, never get divorced, always read the Bible....etc. When it comes to actually acting like a Christian, we have the opportunity to do so almost every hour of every day. That's a lot of "RIGHT" choices to make every single hour of every single day. Similarly, a cocaine addict faces the same dilemma. They feel the need to use sometimes every minute of every day for a period of time. What an amazing task for them to say "No" over and over and over again to the thing they most want to do. I call myself a "Christian" but am unable at times to control my anger and I lash out at a co-worker, for example.
As I am maturing I'm learning that I can't expect people to make perfect choices. In fact, the entire idea of being a Christian has to do with the fact that we can't be perfect.
Fast forward 10+ years and I'm 27. It's a long story to explain how and why my husband and I "came back" or became interested in God again. But this post is more about expectations and maturity than it is about my spiritual path. One of the main things I realized as I matured is that we all make mistakes, and we have the opportunity to do so hundreds of times a day.
One of the best comparisons I can make to explain why Christians sin has to do with food. How many adults know what food they should be eating to stay or become healthy? I'm guessing most of us do. How many of us, including myself, find it difficult to eat the right food over and over again? I know that I eat up to 10 times a day. I may wander into the kitchen and have a few bites of something here and there. My point is that there are many times throughout the day when you have to make the right decision about eating the right food. Even if you fail just one time, you've failed to eat completely healthy for the day. I think we can all agree that having a cupcake isn't the end of the world. But what if you're a personal trainer? What if you're trying to be a role model to your co-workers or kids? What will they say when they walk in on you eating that huge cupcake covered in frosting? They might say, "See, I knew you didn't eat healthy every minute of every day." Or, "Mom, why do you make me eat carrots when you get to eat a cupcake for snack time." This standard that we hold people to when they say they are "healthy eaters" or "on a diet" is similar to the standard I was holding Christians to.
This comparison is striking for me. I expected every "Christian" in the church (or self-proclaimed) to make the right decision every minute of every day. I expected every Christian to never be mean, always give to the needy, never get divorced, always read the Bible....etc. When it comes to actually acting like a Christian, we have the opportunity to do so almost every hour of every day. That's a lot of "RIGHT" choices to make every single hour of every single day. Similarly, a cocaine addict faces the same dilemma. They feel the need to use sometimes every minute of every day for a period of time. What an amazing task for them to say "No" over and over and over again to the thing they most want to do. I call myself a "Christian" but am unable at times to control my anger and I lash out at a co-worker, for example.
As I am maturing I'm learning that I can't expect people to make perfect choices. In fact, the entire idea of being a Christian has to do with the fact that we can't be perfect.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Post College Expectations
If you are anything like me, then you also had GREAT expectations for what it would look like when you finished college.
My expectations included some of the following descriptions. I planned to have a large house, maybe not immediately, but surely by 27 (the age I am now). I'd be able to decorate it with matching pieces of furniture. I planned to buy nice clothes (like Banana Republic, etc.). I thought that I would be wearing those nice clothes to a nice paying job that I would enjoy. I assumed I'd find a husband, but wasn't that positive about my hopes for marriage (which have changed greatly and will be addressed in another post.) I figured I'd be able to eat out regularly at fancy restaurants if I wanted to (I didn't know how to cook until age 25ish). I thought I could afford a nice car as well. I figured I'd be making slightly under 100K (before 30:) and be successful at work. I always planned to work outside the home and be able to pay a sitter. I figured I'd travel across the county often and take lots of "little" side trips to the neighboring states.
Ohh, foolish me. What I didn't anticipate was my debt or how my major in sociology would effect my ability to get paid 100K. Somewhere in my mind I thought I'd make enough money to outrun my excessive spending, simply because I'd be getting paid a lot. I figured I'd slowly pay off student loans/mortgage while I quickly made a lot of money.
How do things stack up now that I've been done with graduate courses for two years? I don't make 100K. I actually made better money delivering pizzas (tips included) in high school. I made about 10$/hr to deliver pizza and then made anywhere from 2-15$/hr in tips. Wow, maybe I should look into that again. Ok, really I love being a crisis counselor. I love to help people in need. But, people in need can't afford to pay for services. So most of my income comes from the government and grants. I make about 11$/hr at my morning job. My afternoon job pays a bit better at 13.75$/hr. OUCH. That is not what I expected to be making at 27.
I do have a house (that we can afford), but it's filled with my families second hand stuff. My house actually looks like my grandma's living room twenty years ago:) I can't afford to buy new pieces so nothing matches. Or, perhaps I should say it's "eclectic"?? My closets are filled with clothes from since I was 16. My new clothes are generally second hand from Plato's Closet. I don't have a new car, but I did purchase my Buick from my grandparents. I can't complain for a second about my car. Traveling has happened some for us. We got free plane tickets (thanks to getting booted off another flight) so we have visited our friends in Colorado. We also saw some friends in New York buy signing up for a credit card that gives you free tickets (I don't recommend this).
I learned how to cook. Actually my husband I both learned from the Food Network. We don't have cable anymore, but we did have cable for our first two years of marriage. I loved watching and ultimately my hubby and I learned to cook. Which is a good thing because it is so much cheaper to make your own food at home. This also allows for leftovers. We can't afford to eat out very much.We have actually become very picky about our food and where it comes from.
I did find an amazing man and have changed many of my (previously bitter) views about marriage.
What happens when expectations don't meet reality? Well, I'm working on learning to be content with what I have. I have always had a creative mind. I have ideas flowing out of me. For example, I plan to write a book someday about relationships and am using this blog as a way to practice my writing. I can easily see how I could sell a million books and be successful financially. On the other hand, I have not sold a million books yet and need to live with my 20$ couch from Craigslist for the time being. I am trying to balance contentment with the possibilities of tomorrow. It's a slippery slope balancing dreams of tomorrow with the reality of today. It takes practice and some days that balancing act gets the best of me.
How do you balance contentment today with setting goals for tomorrow?
My expectations included some of the following descriptions. I planned to have a large house, maybe not immediately, but surely by 27 (the age I am now). I'd be able to decorate it with matching pieces of furniture. I planned to buy nice clothes (like Banana Republic, etc.). I thought that I would be wearing those nice clothes to a nice paying job that I would enjoy. I assumed I'd find a husband, but wasn't that positive about my hopes for marriage (which have changed greatly and will be addressed in another post.) I figured I'd be able to eat out regularly at fancy restaurants if I wanted to (I didn't know how to cook until age 25ish). I thought I could afford a nice car as well. I figured I'd be making slightly under 100K (before 30:) and be successful at work. I always planned to work outside the home and be able to pay a sitter. I figured I'd travel across the county often and take lots of "little" side trips to the neighboring states.
Ohh, foolish me. What I didn't anticipate was my debt or how my major in sociology would effect my ability to get paid 100K. Somewhere in my mind I thought I'd make enough money to outrun my excessive spending, simply because I'd be getting paid a lot. I figured I'd slowly pay off student loans/mortgage while I quickly made a lot of money.
How do things stack up now that I've been done with graduate courses for two years? I don't make 100K. I actually made better money delivering pizzas (tips included) in high school. I made about 10$/hr to deliver pizza and then made anywhere from 2-15$/hr in tips. Wow, maybe I should look into that again. Ok, really I love being a crisis counselor. I love to help people in need. But, people in need can't afford to pay for services. So most of my income comes from the government and grants. I make about 11$/hr at my morning job. My afternoon job pays a bit better at 13.75$/hr. OUCH. That is not what I expected to be making at 27.
I do have a house (that we can afford), but it's filled with my families second hand stuff. My house actually looks like my grandma's living room twenty years ago:) I can't afford to buy new pieces so nothing matches. Or, perhaps I should say it's "eclectic"?? My closets are filled with clothes from since I was 16. My new clothes are generally second hand from Plato's Closet. I don't have a new car, but I did purchase my Buick from my grandparents. I can't complain for a second about my car. Traveling has happened some for us. We got free plane tickets (thanks to getting booted off another flight) so we have visited our friends in Colorado. We also saw some friends in New York buy signing up for a credit card that gives you free tickets (I don't recommend this).
I learned how to cook. Actually my husband I both learned from the Food Network. We don't have cable anymore, but we did have cable for our first two years of marriage. I loved watching and ultimately my hubby and I learned to cook. Which is a good thing because it is so much cheaper to make your own food at home. This also allows for leftovers. We can't afford to eat out very much.We have actually become very picky about our food and where it comes from.
I did find an amazing man and have changed many of my (previously bitter) views about marriage.
What happens when expectations don't meet reality? Well, I'm working on learning to be content with what I have. I have always had a creative mind. I have ideas flowing out of me. For example, I plan to write a book someday about relationships and am using this blog as a way to practice my writing. I can easily see how I could sell a million books and be successful financially. On the other hand, I have not sold a million books yet and need to live with my 20$ couch from Craigslist for the time being. I am trying to balance contentment with the possibilities of tomorrow. It's a slippery slope balancing dreams of tomorrow with the reality of today. It takes practice and some days that balancing act gets the best of me.
How do you balance contentment today with setting goals for tomorrow?
Billy's Bakery - my favorite one in New York City
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Staying Creative
I HATE folding laundry. I love watching TED videos. I like combining the two. It makes for a pleasant 20 minutes of folding laundry.
I love this video from TED. I think it's worth sharing. Our future depends on our ability to be creative.
I love this video from TED. I think it's worth sharing. Our future depends on our ability to be creative.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Gratituesday - Powerful Words of Women
My husband and I attend a class on Sunday mornings with a small group of other young married couples. We talked this week about how words are powerful. We were actually addressing Gary Chapman's book about the 5 love languages. Gary has a quiz that you can take to figure out your love language.
I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.
Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.
Here is what the husband generally draws:
The circle in the center represents him. The circle
overlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.
In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:
I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.
What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.
What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.
When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.
I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me. OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.
I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.
When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.
It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.
I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.
Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.
Here is what the husband generally draws:
The circle in the center represents him. The circleoverlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.
In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:
I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.
What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.
What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.
When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.
I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me. OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.
I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.
When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.
It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Gratitudesday - Great In-laws
Ah, thank God I have great in-laws. My husband's parents have played and continue to play a big role in our lives. And now, more than two years into our marriage, I am starting to see what a difference it makes.
Today a co-worker commented on how she would rather work this weekend than be at home. Apparently her in-laws are coming to town and they hate her, or maybe she hates them. What a terrible situation. The tension that can boil up has the potential to ruin any family event. I've heard horror stories about in-laws. They seem to take on many different and potentially hazardous roles. Some mothers/fathers treat their sons/daughters like a god, some mothers treat their sons with major disrespect, some treat their child like a person who is incapable of making a good decision on their own. Some, just plain hate the spouse because they're not good enough for their own family. Bad in-laws can harm a perfectly good marriage in it's infancy.
I am thankful that my in-laws are willing to love us, but let us live our lives as well. We get invitations from them. Sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can't. They don't pressure us to come and don't threaten us when we can't make it. They often say "no pressure" and (more importantly) they mean it. They don't ever hold it over us if we can't make it. They are willing to be flexible as well. Sometimes traditions have to change and my in-laws are willing to make those changes as needed. They are willing to speak up if they don't think we are doing something right, and we are willing to listen because they don't abuse this power. Because of this role in our lives, my in-laws also get to enjoy us often. Because of this no pressure invite, we come as often as we can and we have smiles on our faces.
Overall my in-laws are awesome role models for our marriage. I think my hubby and I would both be glad to be where they're at when we are in our fifties. They communicate well and stand on solid ground with each other...even after more than 30 years of marriage. Not to mention they are great cooks!
Easter dinner this year!
Today a co-worker commented on how she would rather work this weekend than be at home. Apparently her in-laws are coming to town and they hate her, or maybe she hates them. What a terrible situation. The tension that can boil up has the potential to ruin any family event. I've heard horror stories about in-laws. They seem to take on many different and potentially hazardous roles. Some mothers/fathers treat their sons/daughters like a god, some mothers treat their sons with major disrespect, some treat their child like a person who is incapable of making a good decision on their own. Some, just plain hate the spouse because they're not good enough for their own family. Bad in-laws can harm a perfectly good marriage in it's infancy.
I am thankful that my in-laws are willing to love us, but let us live our lives as well. We get invitations from them. Sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can't. They don't pressure us to come and don't threaten us when we can't make it. They often say "no pressure" and (more importantly) they mean it. They don't ever hold it over us if we can't make it. They are willing to be flexible as well. Sometimes traditions have to change and my in-laws are willing to make those changes as needed. They are willing to speak up if they don't think we are doing something right, and we are willing to listen because they don't abuse this power. Because of this role in our lives, my in-laws also get to enjoy us often. Because of this no pressure invite, we come as often as we can and we have smiles on our faces.
Overall my in-laws are awesome role models for our marriage. I think my hubby and I would both be glad to be where they're at when we are in our fifties. They communicate well and stand on solid ground with each other...even after more than 30 years of marriage. Not to mention they are great cooks!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Emotional Spending
I wanted to share my struggles with emotional spending. I only began to understand how it affected me when we started working our budget. Our budgeting plan has helped me to reduce emotional spending. I completely underestimated how much budgeting would change my inner thoughts and processes on matters of spending.
Before using our budget, I would shop because I was upset or overworked or underpaid or needed to feel better about something. I didn't realize how powerful this emotional spending component was until I was restricted in my spending (aka: not using the ever-flowing fountain of student loan money and only using what we budgeted). I didn't buy expensive things. I didn't think I was going overboard. I found good deals, which was another emotional high, and had enough money to pay the bills each month in college. I felt very sure that my new purchase was both something I deserved and something that I could afford.
After a big test in college, I would go shopping. I felt better about buying something because I worked hard to study for the test. I also felt better because I had something that looked great on me. Even if it was just a new 5$ scarf, I would feel prettier and happier.
I would shop with my friends and family. If I wanted to hang out with someone or have them hang out with me we would often shop at the mall. It felt like we were both getting "something" done and finding something to wear for the weekend. I would also shop with my family when they came to town. Many mother-grandmother-daughter relationships consist of shopping. Mine did as well. Together-time happens when mom takes child to a place of business and purchases something for them. The talking/bonding happens presumably while on the hunt for a good deal or something that looks great.
It's probably not necessary to say that I still go to places of business to buy things. I can't make my own clothes or shoes or toilet paper. I do still buy items I don't need...since I'm human and have flaws. The difference is that my buying is intentional. I don't just find myself driving to target. I don't just see something in the store and think that I must have it. A light triggers now when I look at something and want it. It's a light that didn't have time to turn on in the past. In the past I would look at something, want it, decide that I deserved it and then buy it. That flawed process is broken now with the help of my envelope system. Emotionally speaking, I try to disconnect my wants from my needs. I try to disconnect the fact that there are pretty things in the store that I want with the fact that I worked hard yesterday doing something difficult in another area of my life (like finding a job or cleaning my house or giving a friend great support). I try to separate my purchasing from any feelings of unhappiness or self worth. This is not something that can happen overnight. I myself have a long ways to go.
Budgeting has changed my thought process. I DO think about how much I'm going to have left in my envelope after I buy this item. This helps me to stop and think...do I really want this item? Is this item really something I'm willing to spend my money on? What if I find something I want more later in the month? There are other perks. If a salesmen of any kind is pressuring you...you can say things like "I don't have any money left in my envelope this month" or...."I check with my husband before spending money not in my budget."
At the beginning of the month I think ahead about what activities will be happening that month. For instance this month we are taking a weekend trip to Galena, IL, my friends and I will tailgate for the University of Iowa football game, and several members of my family have birthdays (this comes out of our gift envelope). A few months ago I had 60$ left in my fun envelope at the end of the month. I paper clipped and set aside this money. This month I used that extra money to spend on groceries for our Galena trip. I have been saving my fun money this month to spend on food/fun when my friends come to town.
This is not easy, but worthwhile. It also opens the door to let other positive emotions come into your life.
Thought this sign, outside a lovely Galena shop, was appropriate:)
Before using our budget, I would shop because I was upset or overworked or underpaid or needed to feel better about something. I didn't realize how powerful this emotional spending component was until I was restricted in my spending (aka: not using the ever-flowing fountain of student loan money and only using what we budgeted). I didn't buy expensive things. I didn't think I was going overboard. I found good deals, which was another emotional high, and had enough money to pay the bills each month in college. I felt very sure that my new purchase was both something I deserved and something that I could afford.
After a big test in college, I would go shopping. I felt better about buying something because I worked hard to study for the test. I also felt better because I had something that looked great on me. Even if it was just a new 5$ scarf, I would feel prettier and happier.
I would shop with my friends and family. If I wanted to hang out with someone or have them hang out with me we would often shop at the mall. It felt like we were both getting "something" done and finding something to wear for the weekend. I would also shop with my family when they came to town. Many mother-grandmother-daughter relationships consist of shopping. Mine did as well. Together-time happens when mom takes child to a place of business and purchases something for them. The talking/bonding happens presumably while on the hunt for a good deal or something that looks great.
It's probably not necessary to say that I still go to places of business to buy things. I can't make my own clothes or shoes or toilet paper. I do still buy items I don't need...since I'm human and have flaws. The difference is that my buying is intentional. I don't just find myself driving to target. I don't just see something in the store and think that I must have it. A light triggers now when I look at something and want it. It's a light that didn't have time to turn on in the past. In the past I would look at something, want it, decide that I deserved it and then buy it. That flawed process is broken now with the help of my envelope system. Emotionally speaking, I try to disconnect my wants from my needs. I try to disconnect the fact that there are pretty things in the store that I want with the fact that I worked hard yesterday doing something difficult in another area of my life (like finding a job or cleaning my house or giving a friend great support). I try to separate my purchasing from any feelings of unhappiness or self worth. This is not something that can happen overnight. I myself have a long ways to go.
Budgeting has changed my thought process. I DO think about how much I'm going to have left in my envelope after I buy this item. This helps me to stop and think...do I really want this item? Is this item really something I'm willing to spend my money on? What if I find something I want more later in the month? There are other perks. If a salesmen of any kind is pressuring you...you can say things like "I don't have any money left in my envelope this month" or...."I check with my husband before spending money not in my budget."
At the beginning of the month I think ahead about what activities will be happening that month. For instance this month we are taking a weekend trip to Galena, IL, my friends and I will tailgate for the University of Iowa football game, and several members of my family have birthdays (this comes out of our gift envelope). A few months ago I had 60$ left in my fun envelope at the end of the month. I paper clipped and set aside this money. This month I used that extra money to spend on groceries for our Galena trip. I have been saving my fun money this month to spend on food/fun when my friends come to town.
This is not easy, but worthwhile. It also opens the door to let other positive emotions come into your life.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Our Budget
I talk often about how my husband and I are on a written budget and are trying to pay off debt. I wanted to address our budget more specifically for those interested. Most of our budgeting ideas came from the Dave Ramsey Show. Dave is a financial adviser. You can check out his website for yourself.
The first full year we were married, we attempted to do a watered-down version of Dave's budgeting system. We (my husband) wrote down our expenditures and our sources of income. We found out exactly how much debt we were in and compared that with what we made each month. We wrote down our "dreams" (purposely using that word here because they weren't actual goals..they were dreams at this point) of what we wanted to spend in each category of life.
*Side note here. It's important to know who in the marriage is the detail oriented person. Usually one of the two of you are more detailed than the other. Luckily, my husband is this person. He is the one that put together our budget. BUT, it's very important to see that we AGREED on this budget he wrote out. I argued for some changes and he argued for some changes and then we agreed on a final budget. One major argument was with clothing money. It took a number of months to get this worked out. I continually over-spent (which can be fixed with the envelope system that we initiated later...see below) in the clothing category. He finally realized that the budget was too low and we agreed to a much higher amount for clothing per month.You can read more about my emotional spending habits here.
Back to the budget. So the watered-down version left us going over our vision each month in multiple categories. If you don't actually add up the amount of money you are spending, each time you spend it...you easily wind up over-spending at the end of the month. So for each month in 2010 we overspent.
We started to realize this wasn't working at the end of 2010. This is when we turned to Dave Ramsey's envelope system. I'll tell you we saved 500$ in the first month we used the system. The envelope system is basically you putting actual dollars into real envelopes at the beginning of each month. For example, we put 100$ into our shared "fun" envelope at the beginning of each month. My husband and I actually have 3 "fun" envelopes. We put money into "Karl's Fun" envelope, "Lindsey's Fun" envelope, and into a shared "Fun" envelope. Yes, we have about 15 envelopes we put money into each month. It's a lot of envelopes. I am able to reach into my personal fun money whenever I want. If I wanted to eat out during the day, this would come out of my fun envelope. If Karl and I wanted to go on a date, that would come out of our shared envelope. The trick is, that when the envelope is out of money...you stop spending money.
There are some down sides to this plan. Someone does have to write out the budget, that can be time consuming. You and your spouse have to agree on the budget. That can be argument-inducing and difficult. But, I promise it's worth it. Having conversations about money that don't end with crying and leaving the room is healthy for couples to learn how to do. The funny thing is that the shared goal (of paying off debt) really unites you as a couple. It may not happen as quickly to all couples. Some couples are in a world of hurt related to money. That conversation is for a different post though. For now, suffice it to say that this plan works.We have had to make some difficult decisions about our fiances. We may run out of grocery money at the end of the month and have to live on leftovers for the last 3 days of the month. We did have a month where I thought we had about 80$ left in the grocery budget. When I opened the envelope I found only 20$ left. We wound up eating pasta and beans the rest of the week.
There are so many perks to this plan. One is that you and your spouse will be on the same page about money. When Karl and I first got married, he would confront me every time I came home from shopping. We got into an argument about me buying socks! Now that we have an agreed upon budget, it doesn't bother him to see me come home with shopping bags AND he doesn't interrogate me about what I bought. He is happy that I found something I wanted, because he knows I only spent what was in my envelope. Also, we save a lot of money. This money goes towards paying off our debt. We are excited as we look forward to getting out of debt and begin to build wealth. Third, this plan has changed our perspective about finances and financial decisions. When you know you only have 100$ to spend, you treat your money differently. You tell friends that you can't go out to eat. You hold off on something you think you WANT in case there is something you NEED at the end of the month. I'll write more in other posts about our money decisions, but this is a basic description of our budget system.
The first full year we were married, we attempted to do a watered-down version of Dave's budgeting system. We (my husband) wrote down our expenditures and our sources of income. We found out exactly how much debt we were in and compared that with what we made each month. We wrote down our "dreams" (purposely using that word here because they weren't actual goals..they were dreams at this point) of what we wanted to spend in each category of life.
*Side note here. It's important to know who in the marriage is the detail oriented person. Usually one of the two of you are more detailed than the other. Luckily, my husband is this person. He is the one that put together our budget. BUT, it's very important to see that we AGREED on this budget he wrote out. I argued for some changes and he argued for some changes and then we agreed on a final budget. One major argument was with clothing money. It took a number of months to get this worked out. I continually over-spent (which can be fixed with the envelope system that we initiated later...see below) in the clothing category. He finally realized that the budget was too low and we agreed to a much higher amount for clothing per month.You can read more about my emotional spending habits here.
Back to the budget. So the watered-down version left us going over our vision each month in multiple categories. If you don't actually add up the amount of money you are spending, each time you spend it...you easily wind up over-spending at the end of the month. So for each month in 2010 we overspent.
We started to realize this wasn't working at the end of 2010. This is when we turned to Dave Ramsey's envelope system. I'll tell you we saved 500$ in the first month we used the system. The envelope system is basically you putting actual dollars into real envelopes at the beginning of each month. For example, we put 100$ into our shared "fun" envelope at the beginning of each month. My husband and I actually have 3 "fun" envelopes. We put money into "Karl's Fun" envelope, "Lindsey's Fun" envelope, and into a shared "Fun" envelope. Yes, we have about 15 envelopes we put money into each month. It's a lot of envelopes. I am able to reach into my personal fun money whenever I want. If I wanted to eat out during the day, this would come out of my fun envelope. If Karl and I wanted to go on a date, that would come out of our shared envelope. The trick is, that when the envelope is out of money...you stop spending money.
There are some down sides to this plan. Someone does have to write out the budget, that can be time consuming. You and your spouse have to agree on the budget. That can be argument-inducing and difficult. But, I promise it's worth it. Having conversations about money that don't end with crying and leaving the room is healthy for couples to learn how to do. The funny thing is that the shared goal (of paying off debt) really unites you as a couple. It may not happen as quickly to all couples. Some couples are in a world of hurt related to money. That conversation is for a different post though. For now, suffice it to say that this plan works.We have had to make some difficult decisions about our fiances. We may run out of grocery money at the end of the month and have to live on leftovers for the last 3 days of the month. We did have a month where I thought we had about 80$ left in the grocery budget. When I opened the envelope I found only 20$ left. We wound up eating pasta and beans the rest of the week.
There are so many perks to this plan. One is that you and your spouse will be on the same page about money. When Karl and I first got married, he would confront me every time I came home from shopping. We got into an argument about me buying socks! Now that we have an agreed upon budget, it doesn't bother him to see me come home with shopping bags AND he doesn't interrogate me about what I bought. He is happy that I found something I wanted, because he knows I only spent what was in my envelope. Also, we save a lot of money. This money goes towards paying off our debt. We are excited as we look forward to getting out of debt and begin to build wealth. Third, this plan has changed our perspective about finances and financial decisions. When you know you only have 100$ to spend, you treat your money differently. You tell friends that you can't go out to eat. You hold off on something you think you WANT in case there is something you NEED at the end of the month. I'll write more in other posts about our money decisions, but this is a basic description of our budget system.
Goodbye Cats - Hello Farm
During graduate school I thought I would be lonely after moving to a different state. So, I took 2 cats with me. They were brother and sister. I named them Bella and Oscar. They were darling cats...until we got them de-clawed and spay/neutered. Shortly after the surgery they began peeing everywhere. I was shocked and searched everywhere to find out what I should do. We tried many strategies for getting them to pee in the litter box.
Fast forward 3 years. After seeing a few vets and trying lots of tactics I caught Bella peeing on my living room rug in front of me *in our brand new house*. It was horrifying. You know that smell doesn't leave the house. My hubby and I made the tough decision to put the cats in a small storage room in the basement...it had a window and shelves to jump on. We played with them and spent time with them, but we both knew the situation was dire. After about 8 months of them living in their "cell" and talking it over with the vet, we decided it was time to move them out of the house. Luckily my husband's parents had a farm where the cats could try and make a new life.
This past weekend we took the cats to the farm. I anticipated a lot of emotions running through me. I was worried they would have a hard time adjusting. I was worried they would be attacked by other animals. I was worried I'd never see them again.
To my amazement the cats liked the barn. I was shocked to see how well the transition went. It was as if the cats were meant to be in the barn. They were a bit nervous at first. The nervousness all started to melt away as they began to smell everything. They were excited to roll in the hay. They were so happy to be out of their "cell" and in nature. They finally had room to run and new things to do.
It was obvious the cats should have been taken there sooner. I'm so happy today that the cats are adjusting and that they aren't stuck in our little room any more!
Fast forward 3 years. After seeing a few vets and trying lots of tactics I caught Bella peeing on my living room rug in front of me *in our brand new house*. It was horrifying. You know that smell doesn't leave the house. My hubby and I made the tough decision to put the cats in a small storage room in the basement...it had a window and shelves to jump on. We played with them and spent time with them, but we both knew the situation was dire. After about 8 months of them living in their "cell" and talking it over with the vet, we decided it was time to move them out of the house. Luckily my husband's parents had a farm where the cats could try and make a new life.
This past weekend we took the cats to the farm. I anticipated a lot of emotions running through me. I was worried they would have a hard time adjusting. I was worried they would be attacked by other animals. I was worried I'd never see them again.
To my amazement the cats liked the barn. I was shocked to see how well the transition went. It was as if the cats were meant to be in the barn. They were a bit nervous at first. The nervousness all started to melt away as they began to smell everything. They were excited to roll in the hay. They were so happy to be out of their "cell" and in nature. They finally had room to run and new things to do.
It was obvious the cats should have been taken there sooner. I'm so happy today that the cats are adjusting and that they aren't stuck in our little room any more!
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Big Fish - The Job That Got Away
During the few months I was working part time, I was looking for full time work. I had actually been helping out a few hours a week at an office where a position became available. I applied for the job. The strange thing was that they published the salary in the ad for the position. I thought that I would be a likely candidate for the job since I had made connections in the office. I was also excited because of the amazingly high salary the position was offering. It was a government job with a 60,000$/year income. I was very nervous for the interview, but my husband helped me prepare by quizzing me nightly with interview questions. I did some research as well. I could continue talking about how I prepared for my interview, but this post is not about preparations for an interview.
This post is really about my greed. During my interview preparations and the week following the interview I started to drift in perspective. I started to dream about all the amazing things we could buy with so much extra income. It would have been a significant jump in income, from my low paying (10$/hr) part time gig to this huge salary. I started to think about how I deserved such a great paying job since I have a graduate degree. I reasoned that my hard work in grad school would all be worth it, if I got this job. I imagined what an awesome jump this job would lead to in my career path. There would be no where to go but up... in income after this job.
I thought about how I would "need" a new wardrobe. After all, someone that gets paid so much money should dress like they get paid so much money. Of course, I would be "reasonable"...maybe spend 500$-1000$ on new clothes over the course of 3 months. I started telling family how fast we would pay off debt if I got this job. Which is interesting considering I was coming up with the idea to spend so much of the extra income on things we didn't need.
I also experienced guilt. I thought about how fast we would pay off debt and how it wouldn't be much of a struggle. How would I counsel others, who were struggling to pay off their debt, when I wasn't sacrificing at all? Since all my friends and family know we are on a budget, what would they think of my new clothes or new purchases of nice things in our home..while we still had debt to pay off?
All this happened in just the few weeks that I studied for my interview and while waiting to hear back if I got the job. What a tremendous shift in thinking. Before I heard about the job...and the salary...I was so set on sticking to our written budget, no matter what job I got. But, immediately I started imagining how I would spend the money on things I didn't need.
It all came crashing down when I didn't get offered the position. It was difficult to hear. I threw a small tantrum. I cried to my husband and to my friends. All my hopes about how I would spend the extra income were gone. My ideas about the extra clothes and nice things were ripped from my head.
What I was left with started to make me realize how greedy I had been. I was left with a wonderful home full of stuff, a wonderful husband, a fun part time job, time to talk to great friends, good health, time to workout, time to see my family, time to make great food, and still enough money from the part-time job to make extra payments each month. It's amazing how the thought of extra income morphed my hopes and dreams for a few weeks.
Here I am a few months later waiting to hear back about a new and exciting full time job. Luckily, I didn't know what the pay would be until the day of the interview. It's less, but that's not a problem because it will still be a significant amount to put towards extra payments! I also haven't made any plans for spending the extra income on things we don't need. Lesson learned.
This post is really about my greed. During my interview preparations and the week following the interview I started to drift in perspective. I started to dream about all the amazing things we could buy with so much extra income. It would have been a significant jump in income, from my low paying (10$/hr) part time gig to this huge salary. I started to think about how I deserved such a great paying job since I have a graduate degree. I reasoned that my hard work in grad school would all be worth it, if I got this job. I imagined what an awesome jump this job would lead to in my career path. There would be no where to go but up... in income after this job.
I thought about how I would "need" a new wardrobe. After all, someone that gets paid so much money should dress like they get paid so much money. Of course, I would be "reasonable"...maybe spend 500$-1000$ on new clothes over the course of 3 months. I started telling family how fast we would pay off debt if I got this job. Which is interesting considering I was coming up with the idea to spend so much of the extra income on things we didn't need.
I also experienced guilt. I thought about how fast we would pay off debt and how it wouldn't be much of a struggle. How would I counsel others, who were struggling to pay off their debt, when I wasn't sacrificing at all? Since all my friends and family know we are on a budget, what would they think of my new clothes or new purchases of nice things in our home..while we still had debt to pay off?
All this happened in just the few weeks that I studied for my interview and while waiting to hear back if I got the job. What a tremendous shift in thinking. Before I heard about the job...and the salary...I was so set on sticking to our written budget, no matter what job I got. But, immediately I started imagining how I would spend the money on things I didn't need.
It all came crashing down when I didn't get offered the position. It was difficult to hear. I threw a small tantrum. I cried to my husband and to my friends. All my hopes about how I would spend the extra income were gone. My ideas about the extra clothes and nice things were ripped from my head.
What I was left with started to make me realize how greedy I had been. I was left with a wonderful home full of stuff, a wonderful husband, a fun part time job, time to talk to great friends, good health, time to workout, time to see my family, time to make great food, and still enough money from the part-time job to make extra payments each month. It's amazing how the thought of extra income morphed my hopes and dreams for a few weeks.
Here I am a few months later waiting to hear back about a new and exciting full time job. Luckily, I didn't know what the pay would be until the day of the interview. It's less, but that's not a problem because it will still be a significant amount to put towards extra payments! I also haven't made any plans for spending the extra income on things we don't need. Lesson learned.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Connecting by Communicating
My husband, Karl, and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have learned a lot about how to handle each other thus far. One of the biggest challenges has been in the communication department. When we were first married, I would share problems with Karl. He would listen and attempt to solve the problem I had. I think many new husbands would agree this makes sense as a loving response. Of course a loving husband wants to "fix" any problems his new wife has. The thing is (and I think wives would agree), I'm not looking for a solution or action to be taken immediately. What I most want is for him to hear me. I want him to show me that he understands the emotions I am feeling. I want to feel connected with him over the issues I'm sharing.
Obviously we approached the marriage with two different perspectives on communication. The way that we started to tackle this problem (yes, with solution based action steps) was by communicating what we wanted and what we expected. We had conversations about our conversations. Slowly, we realized that we had very different perspectives on the matter. Karl started to ask me, "Am I suppose to listen or solve?" and I would respond, "This is the listening activity." Mind you, tone of voice matters here! These simple changes have begun to clear some things up for us.
I should point out I'm not always in need of a husband who "just" listens. Sometimes I want him to take action. Like when I say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" I can just hear him now, "This is a listening activity right?" (oh the joy he gets out of teasing me).
I encourage others to have conversations about their conversations. Think of it as a strategy for your marriage. Remember, you're on the same team as your significant other.
Obviously we approached the marriage with two different perspectives on communication. The way that we started to tackle this problem (yes, with solution based action steps) was by communicating what we wanted and what we expected. We had conversations about our conversations. Slowly, we realized that we had very different perspectives on the matter. Karl started to ask me, "Am I suppose to listen or solve?" and I would respond, "This is the listening activity." Mind you, tone of voice matters here! These simple changes have begun to clear some things up for us.
I should point out I'm not always in need of a husband who "just" listens. Sometimes I want him to take action. Like when I say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" I can just hear him now, "This is a listening activity right?" (oh the joy he gets out of teasing me).
I encourage others to have conversations about their conversations. Think of it as a strategy for your marriage. Remember, you're on the same team as your significant other.
Gratituesday
I am thankful today for work. You see, I spent some time recently (from July-August) only working one part time job (and I don't have any kids). Let me back up though to better explain why I'm thankful for work.
In high school and college, I was on a warpath...to get things done. I filled every hour of every day with lots of activities, classes, organizational meetings, friend time, etc. I was busy. I thought I was doing something right by filling up every hour of the day. But as a senior in college, when I met my now husband, he had a calmer schedule. He didn't think it was a good idea to fill every hour of the day. Of course, I thought he was just under-achieving. But in fact he taught me a few things. One, it's just fine to get 8 hours of sleep. It's even healthy. Two, it's fine to enjoy a meal...you don't have to rush through the necessary items of the day so you can fit in even more "activities". Three, you don't have to fill your day in order to be successful in life. See, he had a much more balanced approach to his day, week, and life. I slowly started to allow myself to balance my activities more. This didn't happen in a few months. This happened over a few years (ok...maybe 4 years).
In December of last year I finished my thesis for graduate school. What a weight off my back that was. But that's another story for another post. Anyhow, in January this year we started a small business (in relationship matchmaking) that didn't make it. We spent from January to the end of June figuring out that we could not find insurance for a small matchmaking company. Then, with the close of the business, in July I found myself with only 20 hours a week of planned work at my part-time job as a crisis counselor. I realized I did not have a full day of work planned for me as in the past.
And what's worse, I did not feel like I was contributing to our household. Sure, I did some extra cleaning and cooking, but with just the two of us around there is only so much work to be done. I also struggled to make myself do any one thing. I struggled in ways I never thought I would. I wanted to contribute to paying off our debt (especially debt from my student loans), but I could not find a full time job or even a second part-time job. I got down on myself for racking up such major debts as graduate school loans and then not even being able to contribute in what I felt was a "worthwhile" way. For two months my emotions went from "why is this house not sparkling clean when I only work part time" to "I'm worthless for not contributing to our income". It was a slippery slope. I didn't allow myself to feel very good about our clean house since I thought that I should be making a lot of money with my graduate degree instead.
Having so much time on my hands wasn't all bad. There were good days and perks. I was able to work out on a regular basis and I felt great about my body. Which generally led to my husband and I being more intimate. We ate pretty healthy because I was able to prepare and cook healthy meals. I also had time to help babysit my cousins (a 9 and 7 year old and also triplets that are 2) and plan a 50th wedding anniversary for my grandparents.
But, back to why I am thankful for work. At the end of August a former co-worker called me and offered me a job. The job was supervising parental visits for parents that were in jeopardy of loosing their children. I have been working at the job for almost 1 month now. I enjoy being around the kids and I enjoy sharing parenting tips with struggling parents. I enjoy being with others in their moments of difficulty. I am now contributing to our fiances. The income from my second job goes 100% to extra debt payments. So today, on this fine Tuesday, I'm thankful to God for my second job (one that I didn't even have to apply for).
In high school and college, I was on a warpath...to get things done. I filled every hour of every day with lots of activities, classes, organizational meetings, friend time, etc. I was busy. I thought I was doing something right by filling up every hour of the day. But as a senior in college, when I met my now husband, he had a calmer schedule. He didn't think it was a good idea to fill every hour of the day. Of course, I thought he was just under-achieving. But in fact he taught me a few things. One, it's just fine to get 8 hours of sleep. It's even healthy. Two, it's fine to enjoy a meal...you don't have to rush through the necessary items of the day so you can fit in even more "activities". Three, you don't have to fill your day in order to be successful in life. See, he had a much more balanced approach to his day, week, and life. I slowly started to allow myself to balance my activities more. This didn't happen in a few months. This happened over a few years (ok...maybe 4 years).
In December of last year I finished my thesis for graduate school. What a weight off my back that was. But that's another story for another post. Anyhow, in January this year we started a small business (in relationship matchmaking) that didn't make it. We spent from January to the end of June figuring out that we could not find insurance for a small matchmaking company. Then, with the close of the business, in July I found myself with only 20 hours a week of planned work at my part-time job as a crisis counselor. I realized I did not have a full day of work planned for me as in the past.
And what's worse, I did not feel like I was contributing to our household. Sure, I did some extra cleaning and cooking, but with just the two of us around there is only so much work to be done. I also struggled to make myself do any one thing. I struggled in ways I never thought I would. I wanted to contribute to paying off our debt (especially debt from my student loans), but I could not find a full time job or even a second part-time job. I got down on myself for racking up such major debts as graduate school loans and then not even being able to contribute in what I felt was a "worthwhile" way. For two months my emotions went from "why is this house not sparkling clean when I only work part time" to "I'm worthless for not contributing to our income". It was a slippery slope. I didn't allow myself to feel very good about our clean house since I thought that I should be making a lot of money with my graduate degree instead.
Having so much time on my hands wasn't all bad. There were good days and perks. I was able to work out on a regular basis and I felt great about my body. Which generally led to my husband and I being more intimate. We ate pretty healthy because I was able to prepare and cook healthy meals. I also had time to help babysit my cousins (a 9 and 7 year old and also triplets that are 2) and plan a 50th wedding anniversary for my grandparents.
But, back to why I am thankful for work. At the end of August a former co-worker called me and offered me a job. The job was supervising parental visits for parents that were in jeopardy of loosing their children. I have been working at the job for almost 1 month now. I enjoy being around the kids and I enjoy sharing parenting tips with struggling parents. I enjoy being with others in their moments of difficulty. I am now contributing to our fiances. The income from my second job goes 100% to extra debt payments. So today, on this fine Tuesday, I'm thankful to God for my second job (one that I didn't even have to apply for).
Monday, September 19, 2011
Just Do It
I've done it. I found the courage to start my own blog and share my thoughts with the world. I hope it's as interesting and practical and I imagined it would be.
Tonight my hubby is at the bar watching Monday night football. He does this because we choose not to pay for cable. We gave up cable about 5 months ago. At first it was painful. Every time I sat down to eat in the morning, I could not watch the news I was used to watching. Every time I went downstairs to workout on my treadmill, I had to deal with not having my recorded shows to watch. I actually felt myself longing for the Food network. I definitely went through withdraw symptoms. The first 30 days were the hardest. I was mad at the TV when I turned it on, and it gave me nothing but our local 2, 7, and 9 channels. When I came home for lunch in the past I could skip right to the show I wanted. I thought I was saving myself time by paying for cable and the DVR. Oh man, was I ever wrong.
Giving up cable allowed me to reclaim the time I usually spent watching TV. I wasn't a 3 hour-a-day kind of TV user, but it was amazing how often I craved my Food network after we cut the cord. I probably stumbled around like a zombie for short periods of time throughout the days after giving it up. I had to re-purpose my time.
Today, 5 months later, we have a lot of time on our hands that we didn't before. I can't say that I've re-purposed all my time for more practical things. However, I can say it's helped to change us. I hardly think about the TV (except in the morning at breakfast...I love watching the news). I wound up getting a Jillian Michaels workout video (6 pack abs). The workout is harder and faster than anything I did while watching TV. Also, my hubby watches less sports:) You can imagine all the extra things he has time for now...I know I can. I've barely mentioned all the extra money we save. Actually, it's going towards payment on our DEBT. It's great to know that our 80$/month cable bill is now going towards our debt!
Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks for reading my first post!
Tonight my hubby is at the bar watching Monday night football. He does this because we choose not to pay for cable. We gave up cable about 5 months ago. At first it was painful. Every time I sat down to eat in the morning, I could not watch the news I was used to watching. Every time I went downstairs to workout on my treadmill, I had to deal with not having my recorded shows to watch. I actually felt myself longing for the Food network. I definitely went through withdraw symptoms. The first 30 days were the hardest. I was mad at the TV when I turned it on, and it gave me nothing but our local 2, 7, and 9 channels. When I came home for lunch in the past I could skip right to the show I wanted. I thought I was saving myself time by paying for cable and the DVR. Oh man, was I ever wrong.
Giving up cable allowed me to reclaim the time I usually spent watching TV. I wasn't a 3 hour-a-day kind of TV user, but it was amazing how often I craved my Food network after we cut the cord. I probably stumbled around like a zombie for short periods of time throughout the days after giving it up. I had to re-purpose my time.
Today, 5 months later, we have a lot of time on our hands that we didn't before. I can't say that I've re-purposed all my time for more practical things. However, I can say it's helped to change us. I hardly think about the TV (except in the morning at breakfast...I love watching the news). I wound up getting a Jillian Michaels workout video (6 pack abs). The workout is harder and faster than anything I did while watching TV. Also, my hubby watches less sports:) You can imagine all the extra things he has time for now...I know I can. I've barely mentioned all the extra money we save. Actually, it's going towards payment on our DEBT. It's great to know that our 80$/month cable bill is now going towards our debt!
Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks for reading my first post!
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