Gratituesday - Powerful Words of Women

My husband and I attend a class on Sunday mornings with a small group of other young married couples. We talked this week about how words are powerful. We were actually addressing Gary Chapman's book about the 5 love languages. Gary has a quiz that you can take to figure out your love language.

I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.

Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.

Here is what the husband generally draws:

The circle in the center represents him. The circle
overlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.


In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:


I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.


What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.

What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.

When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.

I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me.  OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.

I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I  myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.

When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.

It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.

Gratitudesday - Great In-laws

Ah, thank God I have great in-laws. My husband's parents have played and continue to play a big role in our lives. And now, more than two years into our marriage, I am starting to see what a difference it makes.

Today a co-worker commented on how she would rather work this weekend than be at home. Apparently her in-laws are coming to town and they hate her, or maybe she hates them. What a terrible situation. The tension that can boil up has the potential to ruin any family event. I've heard horror stories about in-laws. They seem to take on many different and potentially hazardous roles. Some mothers/fathers treat their sons/daughters like a god, some mothers treat their sons with major disrespect, some treat their child like a person who is incapable of making a good decision on their own. Some, just plain hate the spouse because they're not good enough for their own family. Bad in-laws can harm a perfectly good marriage in it's infancy.

I am thankful that my in-laws are willing to love us, but let us live our lives as well. We get invitations from them. Sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can't. They don't pressure us to come and don't threaten us when we can't make it. They often say "no pressure" and (more importantly) they mean it. They don't ever hold it over us if we can't make it. They are willing to be flexible as well. Sometimes traditions have to change and my in-laws are willing to make those changes as needed. They are willing to speak up if they don't think we are doing something right, and we are willing to listen because they don't abuse this power. Because of this role in our lives, my in-laws also get to enjoy us often. Because of this no pressure invite, we come as often as we can and we have smiles on our faces.

Overall my in-laws are awesome role models for our marriage. I think my hubby and I would both be glad to be where they're at when we are in our fifties. They communicate well and stand on solid ground with each other...even after more than 30 years of marriage. Not to mention they are great cooks!

                                                                 Easter dinner this year!

Connecting by Communicating

My husband, Karl, and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have learned a lot about how to handle each other thus far. One of the biggest challenges has been in the communication department. When we were first married, I would share problems with Karl. He would listen and attempt to solve the problem I had. I think many new husbands would agree this makes sense as a loving response. Of course a loving husband wants to "fix" any problems his new wife has. The thing is (and I think wives would agree), I'm not looking for a solution or action to be taken immediately. What I most want is for him to hear me. I want him to show me that he understands the emotions I am feeling. I want to feel connected with him over the issues I'm sharing.

Obviously we approached the marriage with two different perspectives on communication. The way that we started to tackle this problem (yes, with solution based action steps) was by communicating what we wanted and what we expected. We had conversations about our conversations. Slowly, we realized that we had very different perspectives on the matter. Karl started to ask me, "Am I suppose to listen or solve?" and I would respond, "This is the listening activity." Mind you, tone of voice matters here! These simple changes have begun to clear some things up for us.

I should point out I'm not always in need of a husband who "just" listens. Sometimes I want him to take action. Like when I say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" I can just hear him now, "This is a listening activity right?" (oh the joy he gets out of teasing me).

I encourage others to have conversations about their conversations. Think of it as a strategy for your marriage. Remember, you're on the same team as your significant other.