Family Trepidation...I Mean Traditions

Aren't the holidays perfect. Family, friends, cousins, in-laws, his grandparents, my dad's house, his uncle's house, my mom's house, my cousin's at our house...you get the picture. Discussing where to go and what to do for the holidays is no easy task and can cause spontaneous combustion.

Each family has their own traditions. Each family may live in different places. Each parent may live in a different place for that matter. Deciding which family will get priority can be tricky and can be made worse by said family pressuring you to come and visit.

Here are some (relationship safety) tips for the holidays:

1. Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
Talk with your spouse about things before you wind up on the phone with your mother asking about your plans. Enough said here.


2. Decide that your spouse is number one. 
This is not easy and if you are new to marriage it will likely be difficult to do. The first few holiday seasons of marriage are when couples' holiday expectations are built, re-created (as a pair), or destroyed.

If you are like me, you will have family traditions that have been kept for years. I am the oldest child and am the first great-grandchild. Given the stats, it was obvious that I was going to break some traditions. It was very difficult to tell my family that I would only be coming for half the day (since we live close to Karl's family as well). I dreaded this phone call with good reason. It didn't go over very well. I recall some silence on the other end. There was a clear message of disappointment. Looking back it's hard to imagine that they didn't see this coming, but it was also hard for them to not make some non-verbal signals over the phone upon hearing the news. It was hard on me and hard on them. However, a few years later (today) it is much more acceptable that I may not make it for the entire holiDAY or even come for one particular holiday at all. This year we are going to my husband's uncle's house hours away, and we will not see my family for Thanksgiving.

Another reason to put your spouse first regarding holiday traditions is that it sends a clear message to both of your families, that you and your spouse are a family now. You can and should signal to your family and in-laws that you will be making decisions as a couple. It's scary and difficult to do this, but it sets you on a solid path for future decision making. Family may fight this, but they will eventually get on board if you send a clear message. This will also bring you closer to your spouse over time.

3. Create new memories that may become traditions.
Since you and your spouse are now a family it's OK to start some new traditions. You can put up the tree and decorate whenever you want (if you don't live with your extended family). You can bake special items for a special night. You can set aside money to go see a movie, if you want to make that your new tradition. If you want to open presents at midnight on Christmas Eve do so! You are in charge of your own traditions as a newly married couple. Creating new traditions, together, will allow you to feel connected and to know what to expect for future holiday seasons.

4. Know how much money you are are going to spend on presents.
I could not emphasize this enough. Agreeing with your spouse about money and presents before Christmas will keep you sane and your relationship healthy. Presents were a huge deal with my extended family. For all of my life we all got and gave presents to our cousins, aunts, and extended family at Christmas time. This was more acceptable when I was young because our family was smaller. But at age 27 my family has multiplied. We have well over 30 people coming to Christmas dinner. My husband and I spent a few years in heated debate about the fact that we would "have to (not that we didn't want to but that I thought it wasn't a choice)" supply presents for all of my extended family (and that is only on my mom's side). Last year, after much debate, we finally brought it up with the matriarch of the family. She agreed our family had grown enormously and understood our quest to at least draw names for next year. We successfully (we have yet to see) implemented name drawing last year, for this year's presents. We will see how it goes, but at least we are headed in the right direction and we agree about bringing only 2 presents to Christmas to exchange with others who drew our names.

I'm thankful this week that these choices and traditions have made it easier  for us to enjoy each other over the holidays.

Feel free to join my other friends for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Gratituesday - Leaky Pipes

My husband is traveling for work this week. That means a lot falls on my shoulders this week that he usually does around the house.

Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.

I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)

Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.

Gratituesday - Powerful Words of Women

My husband and I attend a class on Sunday mornings with a small group of other young married couples. We talked this week about how words are powerful. We were actually addressing Gary Chapman's book about the 5 love languages. Gary has a quiz that you can take to figure out your love language.

I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.

Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.

Here is what the husband generally draws:

The circle in the center represents him. The circle
overlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.


In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:


I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.


What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.

What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.

When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.

I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me.  OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.

I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I  myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.

When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.

It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.

Gratitudesday - Great In-laws

Ah, thank God I have great in-laws. My husband's parents have played and continue to play a big role in our lives. And now, more than two years into our marriage, I am starting to see what a difference it makes.

Today a co-worker commented on how she would rather work this weekend than be at home. Apparently her in-laws are coming to town and they hate her, or maybe she hates them. What a terrible situation. The tension that can boil up has the potential to ruin any family event. I've heard horror stories about in-laws. They seem to take on many different and potentially hazardous roles. Some mothers/fathers treat their sons/daughters like a god, some mothers treat their sons with major disrespect, some treat their child like a person who is incapable of making a good decision on their own. Some, just plain hate the spouse because they're not good enough for their own family. Bad in-laws can harm a perfectly good marriage in it's infancy.

I am thankful that my in-laws are willing to love us, but let us live our lives as well. We get invitations from them. Sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can't. They don't pressure us to come and don't threaten us when we can't make it. They often say "no pressure" and (more importantly) they mean it. They don't ever hold it over us if we can't make it. They are willing to be flexible as well. Sometimes traditions have to change and my in-laws are willing to make those changes as needed. They are willing to speak up if they don't think we are doing something right, and we are willing to listen because they don't abuse this power. Because of this role in our lives, my in-laws also get to enjoy us often. Because of this no pressure invite, we come as often as we can and we have smiles on our faces.

Overall my in-laws are awesome role models for our marriage. I think my hubby and I would both be glad to be where they're at when we are in our fifties. They communicate well and stand on solid ground with each other...even after more than 30 years of marriage. Not to mention they are great cooks!

                                                                 Easter dinner this year!

Goodbye Cats - Hello Farm

During graduate school I thought I would be lonely after moving to a different state. So, I took 2 cats with me. They were brother and sister. I named them Bella and Oscar. They were darling cats...until we got them de-clawed and spay/neutered. Shortly after the surgery they began peeing everywhere. I was shocked and searched everywhere to find out what I should do. We tried many strategies for getting them to pee in the litter box.

Fast forward 3 years. After seeing a few vets and trying lots of tactics I caught Bella peeing on my living room rug in front of me *in our brand new house*. It was horrifying. You know that smell doesn't leave the house. My hubby and I made the tough decision to put the cats in a small storage room in the basement...it had a window and shelves to jump on. We played with them and spent time with them, but we both knew the situation was dire. After about 8 months of them living in their "cell" and talking it over with the vet, we decided it was time to move them out of the house. Luckily my husband's parents had a farm where the cats could try and make a new life.

This past weekend we took the cats to the farm. I anticipated a lot of emotions running through me. I was worried they would have a hard time adjusting. I was worried they would be attacked by other animals. I was worried I'd never see them again.

To my amazement the cats liked the barn. I was shocked to see how well the transition went. It was as if the cats were meant to be in the barn. They were a bit nervous at first. The nervousness all started to melt away as they began to smell everything. They were excited to roll in the hay. They were so happy to be out of their "cell" and in nature. They finally had room to run and new things to do.

It was obvious the cats should have been taken there sooner. I'm so happy today that the cats are adjusting and that they aren't stuck in our little room any more!