Let Me Give You Happiness

How can you get happiness from a marriage?

It seems one obvious answer would involve getting to do lots of things you like with someone you love. A more correct answer (according to one study) may place the focus more on giving to your spouse rather than getting.

What have you done for your spouse lately? Likely you have been faithful, returned their phone calls, and performed your usual household chores that are on your half of the list. It may be less likely that you've done more than that. It can be hard to go above and beyond if your spouse isn't holding up their end of the deal or doing less than their "half." Think back though...when is the last time you did a chore on your spouse's list, called just to say I Love You, or were more affectionate or intimate than usual???

It may be time to recall how to be generous. Studies are finding that happy marriages are generous marriages.

I think it's especially useful to be generous to your spouse when they are not on their "best behavior." These are easily the times when it's hardest to do the basics, let alone any extras. But, being generous is infectious and can change the course of a marriage either in the short term or for the long term.

I started off our marriage with the goal of being as equal as possible. This meant making sure that we each were doing work on our home, our marriage, contributing financially, etc. But, my goal of creating an "equal" marriage actually placed my focus directly on how much my husband was doing...or how little. My focus and attitude would spawn arguments about whether or not I was working during the time he was working. If I did dishes for the last hour he was at work, then we should both spend another hour doing more chores when he got home. If I spent time cooking while he was watching a football game, then he should have to work for the next hour while I talked on the phone with a friend.

It's amazing how we can go from intimate partners who hope to meet their mate's every need to people who only want to do their "share" if even that much.

See where this is going yet? Perhaps not. It sounds pretty FAIR doesn't it. I think so, but the problem is not so much how we are each spending our hours, the problem is that the focus of the marriage becomes more about how much work is being done by which person and less about spending time with and caring for someone you love.

I realize chores have to get done. I'm arguing for a shift in perspective here. When the attitude of someone is about comparing hours worked, then the attitude cannot be about "what can I do for my spouse."  If you felt as strongly about equality as I did then I promise you it's very difficult to make the transition from wondering how much work your spouse actually did... to purposely doing more than 50% of the work because you want to show your love for them.

If you make yourself focus more on what you can do for your spouse (and less on what they have done for you) I promise your marriage will improve. It is a transition I've been trying to go through lately. Luckily, my husband started out with the attitude of service, "what can I do for her." Unfortunately for him, I have had to grow myself (over the years). He has had to put up with a lot from me, but he continues to bring the right attitude. That has allowed me to think more about what I can do for my friend and spouse, and less about what he has done for me.

 It seems that the more each spouse gives to the other, the happier they are. Strange, who would have thought that giving your time, emotions, attention, body, etc., would allow for such a wonderful marriage dynamic? Some of my professors in college advised us to seek marital equality with a vengeance. Funny that didn't work out and funny those professors aren't married anymore....

Look around at the marriages that are long lasting and full of happiness. I bet you each of the marital partners focus more on what they can do to help their best friend and lover out than on what has been done for them lately.

Creatures of Habit - Making a Healthy Marriage a Habit

We are creatures of habit. Without a doubt, what our body does on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... our mind will want to do on Friday.

What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.

The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.

There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.

I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.

In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults. 

I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.

Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.

It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.

Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.