Vulnerability in Marriage - Part II

Part II   (You can read Part I here)


The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.

Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.

I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.

There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body,  if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.

If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.

What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.

I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.

Vulnerability in Marriage - Part I

Part I  (You can read Part II here)


I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.

Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.

One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.

For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.

Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.

Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).

Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.

These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II  is coming soon.

What I Know for Sure About Marriage

Disclaimer: Mom, don't read this post.

At 27 I know of two certainties regarding a happy, healthy marriage.

1. Agree about Money
This is no easy task. This can take months and years to figure out. It's a process. But, I encourage you to go for it. It is ever so important that you figure out how to agree about money. When you do, you will find peace with your spouse on a majority of issues. Further, you will find that your spouse and you are united on a a major front. Money touches almost every area of our lives in America. Money is something you use many times a day. If you can find agreement on money you will become a team, ganging up on the outside world and on your debt. In this post I discuss our system for paying back our debt. It really took a long time for us to get on board with recognizing that we needed to agree on money. The system we use allows us to set goals and make them happen, as a couple.

2. Have Sex
Having sex is one of the surest ways I know to have a healthy marriage. For a long time I thought that sex was just sex. It was simply a biological want (not a need) for my husband. I thought that for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have a new shirt. I thought for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have some great chocolate. Neither of these (clothes or chocolate) are a need. I thought sex was just a typical want for my husband.

Boy was I wrong. This book  helped me to realize how he thinks about sex. After reading this book I started to realize that sex for him is like an emotional connection for me. He NEEDS to have sex to feel loved, it's not a want. How often do you need your husband to say or show that he loves you? I would prefer to hear or see that every day. How often do you need him to listen to you and connect emotionally? Again, I need this just about every day. Can you imagine what would happen to a relationship if the husband only listened and connected emotionally once a week or once a month? What would happen to the marriage if the husband only said "I Love You" once a year?

A similar breakdown happens for the relationship when the husband only gets to have sex once a week/month/year.

It's probably worth it to say there are times when you likely don't feel like your husband "deserves" sex. This is getting into deep water and I wish I could write a book on just this topic...maybe I will someday. But in short, I would suggest trying to have sex regardless of whether he has been the wonderful, loving husband you expect or something else:) Do this knowing he probably has tried to emotionally connect with you when you weren't being the most wonderful, caring wife you could be either.

There are many reasons why a woman might not want to have sex regularly, which I don't address here. For me it was a game changer to find out it's not just a want (like my new shirt) its a NEED. Having sex with my husband is how he understands that I love him. This is something I know for sure about marriage.

Us at a wedding this summer. Comment not necessary.

Gratituesday - Thesis is Finished

I'm so thankful to be done with my thesis.

I went to graduate school to study sociology. I had to write a thesis (aka: short book) in order to earn my degree. This was a painfully long and difficult task. It took me about 3 and a half years from start to finish. My grandma compared it to pregnancy...with all the difficulties and with knowing the long process it took to deliver. Thank goodness it has arrived.

I actually finished the paper/book back in December 2010. Even today I catch myself reflecting on how glad I am to be done. I learned a lot about myself a long the way.

I learned that I need mentors in my life. My amazing mentor/professor helped me at every step. She encouraged me, gave me deadlines, asked thought-provoking questions, praised my work, and much more. I now know I need someone who has been where I am, and that has gone in a direction I would like to go in. I need friends that are a few steps ahead of me and friends that are way ahead of me... to guide me in the right direction. It is vital for me to have a variety of people in my life that have succeeded at doing the things I want to do.

I have to take one day at a time. Often along the process, I felt overwhelmed about the huge task that lay before me. I would sit down to work on my paper and find my mind wandering to the day I would finish. That day felt like it was light years away. I had a hard time figuring out what to put on page one, let alone page 100. I could  not imagine my finished product very well. I had a hard time seeing what the finished paper would look like. Towards the end of the project I sped up because I was able to take one day at a time and break the project into tiny slivers of work.

I like short projects. I am a very creative person. I have ideas flowing out of me all the time. Unfortunately, I couldn't utilize this skill very often when writing my thesis. A thesis requires a lot of intense work on the same paragraph you just spent an hour on. My creative juices were either under-utilized or totally shot...I'm not sure which...from working so hard on just one paragraph at a time. I now look for jobs/projects that can be finished in obvious smaller portions or in shorter periods of time (under 6 months).

Often when I am at my job, I am so thankful I'm not sitting in a coffee shop writing my thesis!

Yeast-less Pizza Dough

We have friends in town today from Minnesota. We are going to another friend's house in Iowa City to watch the Hawkeye Football game.

My friend is allergic to yeast of all things. So I've been searching the internet for a yeast-less pizza dough recipe. I didn't have to search very long. I found it on one of my favorite websites/blogs. Here is the recipe. Here is the blog it came from.

Go Hawks!

Perfect Expectations - Imperfect Choices

Growing up I struggled with the idea that there were "Christians" in the church that were not acting very Christian like. I actually stopped going to church as a teenager because I didn't see many people who were doing what they were "supposed to be doing." As a teenager I saw people (in my very large church) swear, be mean, not read their Bible, act greedy, have affairs, get divorced, walk away from God, not help others in need...pretty much any sin that can be a sin...there was someone who did it. As a teenager I became very distrusting of the whole "church" thing. I stopped attending.

Fast forward 10+ years and I'm 27. It's a long story to explain how and why my husband and I "came back" or became interested in God again. But this post is more about expectations and maturity than it is about my spiritual path. One of the main things I realized as I matured is that we all make mistakes, and we have the opportunity to do so hundreds of times a day.

One of the best comparisons I can make to explain why Christians sin has to do with food. How many adults know what food they should be eating to stay or become healthy? I'm guessing most of us do. How many of us, including myself, find it difficult to eat the right food over and over again? I know that I eat up to 10 times a day. I may wander into the kitchen and have a few bites of something here and there. My point is that there are many times throughout the day when you have to make the right decision about eating the right food. Even if you fail just one time, you've failed to eat completely healthy for the day. I think we can all agree that having a cupcake isn't the end of the world. But what if you're a personal trainer? What if you're trying to be a role model to your co-workers or kids? What will they say when they walk in on you eating that huge cupcake covered in frosting? They might say, "See, I knew you didn't eat healthy every minute of every day." Or, "Mom, why do you make me eat carrots when you get to eat a cupcake for snack time." This standard that we hold people to when they say they are "healthy eaters" or "on a diet" is similar to the standard I was holding Christians to.

This comparison is striking for me. I expected every "Christian" in the church (or self-proclaimed) to make the right decision every minute of every day. I expected every Christian to never be mean, always give to the needy, never get divorced, always read the Bible....etc. When it comes to actually acting like a Christian, we have the opportunity to do so almost every hour of every day. That's a lot of "RIGHT" choices to make every single hour of every single day. Similarly, a cocaine addict faces the same dilemma. They feel the need to use sometimes every minute of every day for a period of time. What an amazing task for them to say "No" over and over and over again to the thing they most want to do. I call myself a "Christian" but am unable at times to control my anger and I lash out at a co-worker, for example.

As I am maturing I'm learning that I can't expect people to make perfect choices. In fact, the entire idea of being a Christian has to do with the fact that we can't be perfect.

Post College Expectations

If you are anything like me, then you also had GREAT expectations for what it would look like when you finished college.

My expectations included some of the following descriptions. I planned to have a large house, maybe not immediately, but surely by 27 (the age I am now). I'd be able to decorate it with matching pieces of furniture. I planned to buy nice clothes (like Banana Republic, etc.). I thought that I would be wearing those nice clothes to a nice paying job that I would enjoy. I assumed I'd find a husband, but wasn't that positive about my hopes for marriage (which have changed greatly and will be addressed in another post.) I figured I'd be able to eat out regularly at fancy restaurants if I wanted to (I didn't know how to cook until age 25ish). I thought I could afford a nice car as well. I figured I'd be making slightly under 100K (before 30:) and be successful at work. I always planned to work outside the home and be able to pay a sitter. I figured I'd travel across the county often and take lots of "little" side trips to the neighboring states.

Ohh, foolish me. What I didn't anticipate was my debt or how my major in sociology would effect my ability to get paid 100K. Somewhere in my mind I thought I'd make enough money to outrun my excessive spending, simply because I'd be getting paid a lot. I figured I'd slowly pay off student loans/mortgage while I quickly made a lot of money.

How do things stack up now that I've been done with graduate courses for two years? I don't make 100K. I actually made better money delivering pizzas (tips included) in high school. I made about 10$/hr to deliver pizza and then made anywhere from 2-15$/hr in tips. Wow, maybe I should look into that again. Ok, really I love being a crisis counselor. I love to help people in need. But, people in need can't afford to pay for services. So most of my income comes from the government and grants. I make about 11$/hr at my morning job. My afternoon job pays a bit better at 13.75$/hr. OUCH. That is not what I expected to be making at 27.

I do have a house (that we can afford), but it's filled with my families second hand stuff. My house actually looks like my grandma's living room twenty years ago:) I can't afford to buy new pieces so nothing matches. Or, perhaps I should say it's "eclectic"?? My closets are filled with clothes from since I was 16. My new clothes are generally second hand from Plato's Closet. I don't have a new car, but I did purchase my Buick from my grandparents. I can't complain for a second about my car. Traveling has happened some for us. We got free plane tickets (thanks to getting booted off another flight) so we have visited our friends in Colorado. We also saw some friends in New York buy signing up for a credit card that gives you free tickets (I don't recommend this).

I learned how to cook. Actually my husband I both learned from the Food Network. We don't have cable anymore, but we did have cable for our first two years of marriage. I loved watching and ultimately my  hubby and I learned to cook. Which is a good thing because it is so much cheaper to make your own food at home. This also allows for leftovers. We can't afford to eat out very much.We have actually become very picky about our food and where it comes from.

I did find an amazing man and have changed many of my (previously bitter) views about marriage.

What happens when expectations don't meet reality? Well, I'm working on learning to be content with what I have. I have always had a creative mind. I have ideas flowing out of me. For example, I plan to write a book someday about relationships and am using this blog as a way to practice my writing. I can easily see how I could sell a million books and be successful financially. On the other hand, I have not sold a million books yet and need to live with my 20$ couch from Craigslist for the time being. I am trying to balance contentment with the possibilities of tomorrow. It's a slippery slope balancing dreams of tomorrow with the reality of today. It takes practice and some days that balancing act gets the best of me.

How do you balance contentment today with setting goals for tomorrow?

Billy's Bakery - my favorite one in New York City

Staying Creative

I HATE folding laundry. I love watching TED videos.  I like combining the two. It makes for a pleasant 20 minutes of folding laundry.

I love this video from TED. I think it's worth sharing. Our future depends on our ability to be creative.

Gratituesday - Powerful Words of Women

My husband and I attend a class on Sunday mornings with a small group of other young married couples. We talked this week about how words are powerful. We were actually addressing Gary Chapman's book about the 5 love languages. Gary has a quiz that you can take to figure out your love language.

I have spent time studying romantic relationships. One thing I do know is that the words I speak to my husband matter. I actually believe that my words to him matter more than his words to me. You see, I learned something that helped me to develop my understanding of how he works and how I work. It stems from an exercise that a researcher once did.

Ask a couple to sit back to back (so they can't see each others' drawings). Ask them to draw a circle representing themselves. Then ask them to place 5 other circles representing the 5 closest people in their world. The closer the circles are, the closer the friends/family/spouse is.

Here is what the husband generally draws:

The circle in the center represents him. The circle
overlapping it usually represents his spouse. The other circles represent friends or family he feels close to. It should strike you how much the spouse overlaps and how far away all the other friends are.


In contrast this is what the wife generally draws:


I hope you notice the five closest people in her world are very "close" to her. The spouse is likely the closest one, but the other individuals are also very close to her.


What does this mean for me? This means that if I have a bad day or a difficult problem, I have many people to turn to for support. If I celebrate, I enjoy celebrating with all my friends/family and spouse. If my hubby is having a bad day and somehow wrongs me, I can turn to my best friend for support. I can talk it over with the friend and then calm down and address the issue with my spouse. If a friend hurts my feelings it's almost as bad as (and sometimes worse than) if my husband hurt my feelings.

What does this mean for my husband? My husband is a different animal. He looks to me for support. ONLY ME. He does not call a friend to ask them how he should handle a situation. Can you imagine your hubby calling his closest BF every time he had a bad day at work? I can't either but it cracks me up to imagine that scenario. No, he tells ME about his bad day at work. Why....because even his closest friend or family member is much further out on his "closeness" drawing than I am. He sees my love and support (or in contrast my mean words) as superior to all other words. His closest friend could act like he hates him and it would barely bother my husband. This is because my word is what he cares about most.

When my husband wants to celebrate he wants to celebrate with me (he could care less about a big party). When he wants to relax he wants to do it with me and no one else. He doesn't think about where his best friend is at or what he is doing. If they talk to each other once every six months that is fine with him. This is so different from how I operate, but it's an important distinction to draw.

I have tremendous power to build up my husband or knock him down. My words have more power than all 4 of his other closest people put together. My words can inflict 10 times the pain on him that his words could on me.  OR, my words can encourage him to be a better man, better worker, better lover, etc. My words mean everything in his world. This is both an honor and a responsibility.

I see women often who don't know of the power they hold. What's interesting is that most of them would love to have a husband that listens to everything they say. I believe most husbands start off marriage adoring their wives. But if the wife abuses her power, it can turn ugly over time. I  myself have accidentally or on purpose abused this power. But even writing this post has reminded me how important my words are to my husband.

When women recognize the power they hold and start to praise their husband and use their words wisely, it's amazing what can happen. Husbands respond to their wives' praise and needs. I don't have room in this post to comment on relationships that have been off course for long periods of time. I just wanted to share these thoughts with my lady friends today.

It may not be clear what I'm thankful for on this Gratituesday....I'm thankful to know my words mean the world to my man.

Gratitudesday - Great In-laws

Ah, thank God I have great in-laws. My husband's parents have played and continue to play a big role in our lives. And now, more than two years into our marriage, I am starting to see what a difference it makes.

Today a co-worker commented on how she would rather work this weekend than be at home. Apparently her in-laws are coming to town and they hate her, or maybe she hates them. What a terrible situation. The tension that can boil up has the potential to ruin any family event. I've heard horror stories about in-laws. They seem to take on many different and potentially hazardous roles. Some mothers/fathers treat their sons/daughters like a god, some mothers treat their sons with major disrespect, some treat their child like a person who is incapable of making a good decision on their own. Some, just plain hate the spouse because they're not good enough for their own family. Bad in-laws can harm a perfectly good marriage in it's infancy.

I am thankful that my in-laws are willing to love us, but let us live our lives as well. We get invitations from them. Sometimes we can make it and sometimes we can't. They don't pressure us to come and don't threaten us when we can't make it. They often say "no pressure" and (more importantly) they mean it. They don't ever hold it over us if we can't make it. They are willing to be flexible as well. Sometimes traditions have to change and my in-laws are willing to make those changes as needed. They are willing to speak up if they don't think we are doing something right, and we are willing to listen because they don't abuse this power. Because of this role in our lives, my in-laws also get to enjoy us often. Because of this no pressure invite, we come as often as we can and we have smiles on our faces.

Overall my in-laws are awesome role models for our marriage. I think my hubby and I would both be glad to be where they're at when we are in our fifties. They communicate well and stand on solid ground with each other...even after more than 30 years of marriage. Not to mention they are great cooks!

                                                                 Easter dinner this year!

Emotional Spending

I wanted to share my struggles with emotional spending. I only began to understand how it affected me when we started working our budget. Our budgeting plan has helped me to reduce emotional spending. I completely underestimated how much budgeting would change my inner thoughts and processes on matters of spending.

Before using our budget, I would shop because I was upset or overworked or underpaid or needed to feel better about something. I didn't realize how powerful this emotional spending component was until I was restricted in my spending (aka: not using the ever-flowing fountain of student loan money and only using what we budgeted). I didn't buy expensive things. I didn't think I was going overboard. I found good deals, which was another emotional high, and had enough money to pay the bills each month in college. I felt very sure that my new purchase was both something I deserved and something that I could afford.

After a big test in college, I would go shopping. I felt better about buying something because I worked hard to study for the test. I also felt better because I had something that looked great on me. Even if it was just a new 5$ scarf, I would feel prettier and happier.

I would shop with my friends and family. If I wanted to hang out with someone or have them hang out with me we would often shop at the mall. It felt like we were both getting "something" done and finding something to wear for the weekend. I would also shop with my family when they came to town. Many mother-grandmother-daughter relationships consist of shopping. Mine did as well. Together-time happens when mom takes child to a place of business and purchases something for them. The talking/bonding happens presumably while on the hunt for a good deal or something that looks great.

It's probably not necessary to say that I still go to places of business to buy things. I can't make my own clothes or shoes or toilet paper. I do still buy items I don't need...since I'm human and have flaws. The difference is that my buying is intentional. I don't just find myself driving to target. I don't just see something in the store and think that I must have it. A light triggers now when I look at something and want it. It's a light that didn't have time to turn on in the past. In the past I would look at something, want it, decide that I deserved it and then buy it. That flawed process is broken now with the help of my envelope system. Emotionally speaking, I try to disconnect my wants from my needs. I try to disconnect the fact that there are pretty things in the store that I want with the fact that I worked hard yesterday doing something difficult in another area of my life (like finding a job or cleaning my house or giving a friend great support). I try to separate my purchasing from any feelings of unhappiness or self worth. This is not something that can happen overnight. I myself have a long ways to go.

Budgeting has changed my thought process. I DO think about how much I'm going to have left in my envelope after I buy this item. This helps me to stop and think...do I really want this item? Is this item really something I'm willing to spend my money on? What if I find something I want more later in the month? There are other perks. If a salesmen of any kind is pressuring you...you can say things like "I don't have any money left in my envelope this month" or...."I check with my husband before spending money not in my budget."

At the beginning of the month I think ahead about what activities will be happening that month. For instance this month we are taking a weekend trip to Galena, IL, my friends and I will tailgate for the University of Iowa football game, and several members of my family have birthdays (this comes out of our gift envelope). A few months ago I had 60$ left in my fun envelope at the end of the month. I paper clipped and set aside this money. This month I used that extra money to spend on groceries for our Galena trip. I have been saving my fun money this month to spend on food/fun when my friends come to town.
This is not easy, but worthwhile. It also opens the door to let other positive emotions come into your life.

                                 Thought this sign, outside a lovely Galena shop, was appropriate:)