Good question from a reader. How do you go about "dating" other couples?
(This post is a follow-up from my last post found here).
It's not easy to meet others when you are married and move to a new city. Moving to a new city can cause lots of challenges within the marriage and that may take time away from making new friends. Once you are settled into your new home and can find your way to work, it may be time to think about how to make new couple-friends.
One of my suggestions from the last post is to join a club/organization/sport's rec team, etc. Once you have done this, it helps to get to know who the married folks are in the group. For us that was easy since we joined a "young, married couples" group at church.
At this point we were stuck, what comes next? In a normal dating relationship you would see each other by chance or scheming and then get to know each other at events. Well, we tried that. Week after week we went to this group hoping to talk and develop relationships. It didn't happen like I planned. Week after week we didn't grow closer to others at the same pace I did with girlfriends in college.
One likely reason for this is that now there are two of you. Where one set of wives may enjoy each others company, the husbands may not get along that well or vice verse. Generally though I found that once the 4 of us got to know each other, if one sex got along, so did the other.
Another reason is that some part of relationships might be a little forced. Remember those awkward conversations on your first few dates? That is something that our brains were wired to "handle" in the name of finding a mate. We were driven to get through those awkward (I don't know what to ask next) conversations so we could feel that high of romantic love. I think the drive to get through the first few rough "dates" may not be as strong when we are courting friends:)
One way to avoid or lessen those awkward times is by inviting more than one couple over. In my group someone had the brilliant idea to get together in groups of six (three couples). This allows different people to come up with conversation. It gave me time to think about what we could say next. It really took a lot of pressure and awkwardness away.
How do you manage to "date" other couples?
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
How does your geographic location influence your marriage?
I'm 27. As I look around most of my friends are getting set in some sort of career. That means they are moving to new locations for those new jobs, getting new places, and getting set in a routine.
I did the same thing. My husband and I moved for his new job, and then I found a new job. We didn't start with a lot of friends where we live. This was a huge change from college.
Making new friends was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were so well connected by the time we left college that moving to a new city was a shock. I assumed that since we had dozens of friends in college that we would easily and quickly find new friends in our new city. Wrong. It took us a few years and several months of depression for me to figure it out.
How did we make friends? We wound up finding an organization (a big church) with lots of young people. Even though we joined a class for young, married couples...we still didn't immediately have a circle of friends. The new friends came one at a time. Those first conversations were very awkward and difficult. The first year of hanging out with new people was more of a "get to know you" year. I was so disheartened because friends weren't coming quickly/easily. But, as time moved on, we became very close with some of the couples. So close that I would feel comfortable calling one of my new girlfriends crying:)
I've noticed that many of my other college friends are having the same struggles. I think one big way to seek out those new friendships is through organizations such as recreational sports teams, church, work friends, clubs, etc. It's hard because I don't think my generation is one to quickly join an organization. In fact, I heard that my generation tends to only join one or two organizations that they deeply believe in. That means it may take a while before you find what you're looking for (if you're my age).
It's not easy but if we don't learn to "date" new couples or make new friends, how will we feel fulfilled or connected? Friendship is important for humans. Even if it's uncomfortable I urge you to look around and consider joining something.
I did the same thing. My husband and I moved for his new job, and then I found a new job. We didn't start with a lot of friends where we live. This was a huge change from college.
Making new friends was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were so well connected by the time we left college that moving to a new city was a shock. I assumed that since we had dozens of friends in college that we would easily and quickly find new friends in our new city. Wrong. It took us a few years and several months of depression for me to figure it out.
How did we make friends? We wound up finding an organization (a big church) with lots of young people. Even though we joined a class for young, married couples...we still didn't immediately have a circle of friends. The new friends came one at a time. Those first conversations were very awkward and difficult. The first year of hanging out with new people was more of a "get to know you" year. I was so disheartened because friends weren't coming quickly/easily. But, as time moved on, we became very close with some of the couples. So close that I would feel comfortable calling one of my new girlfriends crying:)
I've noticed that many of my other college friends are having the same struggles. I think one big way to seek out those new friendships is through organizations such as recreational sports teams, church, work friends, clubs, etc. It's hard because I don't think my generation is one to quickly join an organization. In fact, I heard that my generation tends to only join one or two organizations that they deeply believe in. That means it may take a while before you find what you're looking for (if you're my age).
It's not easy but if we don't learn to "date" new couples or make new friends, how will we feel fulfilled or connected? Friendship is important for humans. Even if it's uncomfortable I urge you to look around and consider joining something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)