Connecting by Communicating

My husband, Karl, and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have learned a lot about how to handle each other thus far. One of the biggest challenges has been in the communication department. When we were first married, I would share problems with Karl. He would listen and attempt to solve the problem I had. I think many new husbands would agree this makes sense as a loving response. Of course a loving husband wants to "fix" any problems his new wife has. The thing is (and I think wives would agree), I'm not looking for a solution or action to be taken immediately. What I most want is for him to hear me. I want him to show me that he understands the emotions I am feeling. I want to feel connected with him over the issues I'm sharing.

Obviously we approached the marriage with two different perspectives on communication. The way that we started to tackle this problem (yes, with solution based action steps) was by communicating what we wanted and what we expected. We had conversations about our conversations. Slowly, we realized that we had very different perspectives on the matter. Karl started to ask me, "Am I suppose to listen or solve?" and I would respond, "This is the listening activity." Mind you, tone of voice matters here! These simple changes have begun to clear some things up for us.

I should point out I'm not always in need of a husband who "just" listens. Sometimes I want him to take action. Like when I say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" I can just hear him now, "This is a listening activity right?" (oh the joy he gets out of teasing me).

I encourage others to have conversations about their conversations. Think of it as a strategy for your marriage. Remember, you're on the same team as your significant other.