This post is about the number one problem I hear most newly married couples complaining about.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
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