R-E-S-P-E-C-T and Love

Men, this one's for you.

What is it you crave most from your wife? I bet what most motivates you is RESPECT. Do you feel respected when she is intimate with you? Do you feel disrespected when she talks over you? Do you feel respected when she comments on how you show her love? Do you feel disrespected when she comments on a chore you didn't complete? I'm willing to bet your biggest marital motivator could be defined under the heading of respect. The idea that men are motivated by respect while women are motivated by love offers a nice perspective on how to treat your spouse. The explanation (and book) comes from Dr. Eggerichs.

This post however, is not about your needs. It's about her needs.

Where you need respect, she needs LOVE. She needs to feel loved, in many of the areas you need to feel respected.

It's easy to forget about her need to feel loved, when you feel disrespected. During conflict, it's especially easy to forget that love motivates her. Sure, you both need love and respect, but the felt need for each is different.

If your wife is showing you contempt or disrespect, it's possibly because she is feeling unloved.

What have you done in the past that has made her feel loved? When did she last light up with a smile over something you did or said? Assure your wife of your love for her. She needs reassurance of your love through your actions. Hold her hand. Ask her how she feels. Let her know when she did something you enjoyed and how it made you feel.Put your cell phone down when she is in the room (or before you come home). Do a chore from her list. Initiate conversation. When she asks about your day, give her details. Brag about her in front of others.These are just a few ways to start showing her love.

Ladies, if you're interested in what to say to your man, I have a post for you too. The words you use are very important.

Trials

When you look back on an argument or a series of arguments, do you find joy in what your marriage has been through? Or, do you think about the negatives associated with tough times?

When I think about our first year of marriage, it was a wild ride. We planned a wedding (in 3 months for family health reasons), moved, got laid off, moved again to a different state, got new jobs, bought a house (includes moving again), and had a flooded basement. We had plenty of trials in our first year as a married couple.

But when I reflect on those times I am happy that we made it through. I am also happy because I feel like we can make it through whatever comes our way in the future.

One of the keys to getting through the tough times is knowing how to fight well. 

Another key to making it through difficult times is to use humor. As a former crisis counselor, I know that humor is under-utilized during heated moments. In some of the most difficult crises I used humor to mellow the situation. And what's interesting is everyone in the room laughed. You need something like humor to help bring the tension down a few notches. This isn't a free card to never have a serious conversation, it's just the ability to poke a little fun at a trying situation.

Being able to look back at a difficult few months in a marriage and see something (anything) positive is healthy.  I encourage you to examine your perspective on difficult moments in marriage.

I'm thankful on this Gratituesday that I can see the bigger picture of how our first year of marriage prepared us for life together.
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Check out other Gratituesday posts at Heavenly Homemakers!

February Foresight

Did you set any goals for your marriage this year?
How about a date night or a regular "I Love You Dear."

Marriage may not always be exciting, but it needs to be given due attention.
Your marriage may be missing things you haven't lately mentioned.

Take one small step in February.
To show your spouse how much you care.

Women, tell him how much you respect him.
Men, show her love in every possible action.

Remember, you're on the same side.
Work hard to be of one mind.