Did you set any goals for your marriage this year?
How about a date night or a regular "I Love You Dear."
Marriage may not always be exciting, but it needs to be given due attention.
Your marriage may be missing things you haven't lately mentioned.
Take one small step in February.
To show your spouse how much you care.
Women, tell him how much you respect him.
Men, show her love in every possible action.
Remember, you're on the same side.
Work hard to be of one mind.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Fairytales and Truth
Wanted to share this video on marriage with you today. There is a lot of truth to be heard here.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Back to Back, Guns Out
You know those classic movie scenes where the gun fighting pair have their backs against each other and are shooting everyone in sight? I love those scenes!
It makes sense, if your backs are together you can't shoot your partner. If your backs are together then you know who the bad guys are...everyone else.
This may be a slightly cynical view of a solid relationship, but it paints a nice picture of whose team you are on and where the obstacles are. In a marriage, it's important to remember you are ON THE SAME TEAM as your spouse.
Sometimes in marriage, it's as if things are crumbling and the world is picking a fight. It's at times like these when lovers can turn their fear, anger, and frustration inward...toward their spouse. This is easy to do because the spouse:
On the contrary, realizing that your spouse is on your side can shift your perspective on the world and/or your marriage. Sometimes the world is a cold place and a spouse should be a warm place to run. Sometimes lots of things go wrong in a day/week/month and how we treat our spouse is the one thing we can control. Sometimes it just feels good to snuggle in with our spouse and realize that we are in a safe place. Sometimes sharing a secret with a spouse is fun, because the rest of the world doesn't know (and isn't on your team).
When the world attacks put your fighting gear on, and make sure your spouse knows you're on the same team.
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Feel free to join my other blog friends at at Heavenly Homemakers!
It makes sense, if your backs are together you can't shoot your partner. If your backs are together then you know who the bad guys are...everyone else.
This may be a slightly cynical view of a solid relationship, but it paints a nice picture of whose team you are on and where the obstacles are. In a marriage, it's important to remember you are ON THE SAME TEAM as your spouse.
Sometimes in marriage, it's as if things are crumbling and the world is picking a fight. It's at times like these when lovers can turn their fear, anger, and frustration inward...toward their spouse. This is easy to do because the spouse:
- is always around,
- is easy to pick on (because you know their vulnerabilities),
- can take a few hits before they get mad (unlike a coworker or random person you encounter),
- affects your daily plans.
On the contrary, realizing that your spouse is on your side can shift your perspective on the world and/or your marriage. Sometimes the world is a cold place and a spouse should be a warm place to run. Sometimes lots of things go wrong in a day/week/month and how we treat our spouse is the one thing we can control. Sometimes it just feels good to snuggle in with our spouse and realize that we are in a safe place. Sometimes sharing a secret with a spouse is fun, because the rest of the world doesn't know (and isn't on your team).
When the world attacks put your fighting gear on, and make sure your spouse knows you're on the same team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Feel free to join my other blog friends at at Heavenly Homemakers!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Questions Please
Over 500 folks have looked over my blog. I assume some of you must have questions for me. If you have questions about marriage or relationships, I'd love to try and answer them. Please send them to me at lindsey@significantinterest.com
I will try and answer some of the questions over the next several weeks.
Thanks!
Lindsey
I will try and answer some of the questions over the next several weeks.
Thanks!
Lindsey
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Let Me Give You Happiness
How can you get happiness from a marriage?
It seems one obvious answer would involve getting to do lots of things you like with someone you love. A more correct answer (according to one study) may place the focus more on giving to your spouse rather than getting.
What have you done for your spouse lately? Likely you have been faithful, returned their phone calls, and performed your usual household chores that are on your half of the list. It may be less likely that you've done more than that. It can be hard to go above and beyond if your spouse isn't holding up their end of the deal or doing less than their "half." Think back though...when is the last time you did a chore on your spouse's list, called just to say I Love You, or were more affectionate or intimate than usual???
It may be time to recall how to be generous. Studies are finding that happy marriages are generous marriages.
I think it's especially useful to be generous to your spouse when they are not on their "best behavior." These are easily the times when it's hardest to do the basics, let alone any extras. But, being generous is infectious and can change the course of a marriage either in the short term or for the long term.
I started off our marriage with the goal of being as equal as possible. This meant making sure that we each were doing work on our home, our marriage, contributing financially, etc. But, my goal of creating an "equal" marriage actually placed my focus directly on how much my husband was doing...or how little. My focus and attitude would spawn arguments about whether or not I was working during the time he was working. If I did dishes for the last hour he was at work, then we should both spend another hour doing more chores when he got home. If I spent time cooking while he was watching a football game, then he should have to work for the next hour while I talked on the phone with a friend.
It's amazing how we can go from intimate partners who hope to meet their mate's every need to people who only want to do their "share" if even that much.
See where this is going yet? Perhaps not. It sounds pretty FAIR doesn't it. I think so, but the problem is not so much how we are each spending our hours, the problem is that the focus of the marriage becomes more about how much work is being done by which person and less about spending time with and caring for someone you love.
I realize chores have to get done. I'm arguing for a shift in perspective here. When the attitude of someone is about comparing hours worked, then the attitude cannot be about "what can I do for my spouse." If you felt as strongly about equality as I did then I promise you it's very difficult to make the transition from wondering how much work your spouse actually did... to purposely doing more than 50% of the work because you want to show your love for them.
If you make yourself focus more on what you can do for your spouse (and less on what they have done for you) I promise your marriage will improve. It is a transition I've been trying to go through lately. Luckily, my husband started out with the attitude of service, "what can I do for her." Unfortunately for him, I have had to grow myself (over the years). He has had to put up with a lot from me, but he continues to bring the right attitude. That has allowed me to think more about what I can do for my friend and spouse, and less about what he has done for me.
It seems that the more each spouse gives to the other, the happier they are. Strange, who would have thought that giving your time, emotions, attention, body, etc., would allow for such a wonderful marriage dynamic? Some of my professors in college advised us to seek marital equality with a vengeance. Funny that didn't work out and funny those professors aren't married anymore....
Look around at the marriages that are long lasting and full of happiness. I bet you each of the marital partners focus more on what they can do to help their best friend and lover out than on what has been done for them lately.
It seems one obvious answer would involve getting to do lots of things you like with someone you love. A more correct answer (according to one study) may place the focus more on giving to your spouse rather than getting.
What have you done for your spouse lately? Likely you have been faithful, returned their phone calls, and performed your usual household chores that are on your half of the list. It may be less likely that you've done more than that. It can be hard to go above and beyond if your spouse isn't holding up their end of the deal or doing less than their "half." Think back though...when is the last time you did a chore on your spouse's list, called just to say I Love You, or were more affectionate or intimate than usual???
It may be time to recall how to be generous. Studies are finding that happy marriages are generous marriages.
I think it's especially useful to be generous to your spouse when they are not on their "best behavior." These are easily the times when it's hardest to do the basics, let alone any extras. But, being generous is infectious and can change the course of a marriage either in the short term or for the long term.
I started off our marriage with the goal of being as equal as possible. This meant making sure that we each were doing work on our home, our marriage, contributing financially, etc. But, my goal of creating an "equal" marriage actually placed my focus directly on how much my husband was doing...or how little. My focus and attitude would spawn arguments about whether or not I was working during the time he was working. If I did dishes for the last hour he was at work, then we should both spend another hour doing more chores when he got home. If I spent time cooking while he was watching a football game, then he should have to work for the next hour while I talked on the phone with a friend.
It's amazing how we can go from intimate partners who hope to meet their mate's every need to people who only want to do their "share" if even that much.
See where this is going yet? Perhaps not. It sounds pretty FAIR doesn't it. I think so, but the problem is not so much how we are each spending our hours, the problem is that the focus of the marriage becomes more about how much work is being done by which person and less about spending time with and caring for someone you love.
I realize chores have to get done. I'm arguing for a shift in perspective here. When the attitude of someone is about comparing hours worked, then the attitude cannot be about "what can I do for my spouse." If you felt as strongly about equality as I did then I promise you it's very difficult to make the transition from wondering how much work your spouse actually did... to purposely doing more than 50% of the work because you want to show your love for them.
If you make yourself focus more on what you can do for your spouse (and less on what they have done for you) I promise your marriage will improve. It is a transition I've been trying to go through lately. Luckily, my husband started out with the attitude of service, "what can I do for her." Unfortunately for him, I have had to grow myself (over the years). He has had to put up with a lot from me, but he continues to bring the right attitude. That has allowed me to think more about what I can do for my friend and spouse, and less about what he has done for me.
It seems that the more each spouse gives to the other, the happier they are. Strange, who would have thought that giving your time, emotions, attention, body, etc., would allow for such a wonderful marriage dynamic? Some of my professors in college advised us to seek marital equality with a vengeance. Funny that didn't work out and funny those professors aren't married anymore....
Look around at the marriages that are long lasting and full of happiness. I bet you each of the marital partners focus more on what they can do to help their best friend and lover out than on what has been done for them lately.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Creatures of Habit - Making a Healthy Marriage a Habit
We are creatures of habit. Without a doubt, what our body does on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... our mind will want to do on Friday.
What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.
The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.
There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.
I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.
In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults.
I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.
Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.
It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.
Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.
What we read and spend time thinking about early in the week, this will remain in our minds and prompt our actions for the rest of the week.
The way you react to your spouse on Friday, Saturday and Sunday has an impact on how you react to him/her on Monday.
There is no "One" sure-fire answer to creating/keeping the perfect marriage. However, there are sure fire actions to creating the right environment for a healthy marriage. As creatures of habit, we need to work on developing those healthy habits in order to guide ourselves into a great future with our spouse.
I think modern (popular) science has influenced us (Americans) to believe most answers (assuming there is one answer) to problems are categorical: yes/no or black/white or 2 eggs a day for good health or 3 Tablespoons of this exactly will cure you. I think we have been fed the idea that there should be a single answer that can lead to truth or well-being in one area of life or another.
In my opinion, this influence transfers over to our relationship beliefs. For instance, I hear a lot of people say if we "pick the right person to marry" our marriages will be full of happiness and last forever. As if there were some scientific finding that told you how to pick the perfect person. The only problem with that theory is that you have to pick a HUMAN, who is sure to have some faults.
I think the "picking the right person" solution is a myth. The path to an ideal marriage isn't about picking another human that will make your life perfect. Instead, it's about controlling our actions with the spouse we have chosen. This is much more boring and takes a lot of time. It's not sexy or easy to say in a few words.
Being the creatures of habit that we are, it is important to spend time around people that are living the way you *would like* to be living. For example, hang out with other couples that really seem to work well together. It's important to respond to your spouse in a calm and/or positive manner if that is how you would like respond in the future. What you do today does effect what you do tomorrow.
It's the same with weight loss. If I decide not to work out today, the odds are good that I won't work out tomorrow. You won't do it unless you start doing it today. If you eat a salad today for lunch, it will be easier to eat a salad tomorrow for lunch.
Start doing the right thing today and it will get easier to do tomorrow. Hang out with people who you want to influence you today, so you can grow more wise tomorrow. Show love to your spouse today even if it's hard to do because it might be easier to do tomorrow.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
#1 Problem in New Marriages
This post is about the number one problem I hear most newly married couples complaining about.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
It has to do with conversations that take place between a man and a woman...generally when a wife starts a conversation with her husband.
My newly married (or long-time dating) female friends almost always say something about how "every time I try to tell him my problems he tries to solve them." My male friends almost always say something about how they would like to help her out in a difficult time, but are confused about why she gets upset.
I assure you, this is a common problem. It's not a bad one to have because it implies that wives and husbands are communicating about problems in their daily lives.
When women talk with their girl-friends about problems, they often hear their friends say things like "wow, I can't believe that," "how could ___ do that," "you must be so upset," "how are you handling ___," "tell me more about ___," or "___ must be difficult." These are just a few of the things women say to each other when they are "discussing" a problem.
In contrast, here are a few things I hear my husband say to his male friends when discussing a problem...."what about ___," "have you tried ___," "how long has it been since ___," "could it be ___ or ___," or "looks like you're screwed (just kidding, kind of)." Ladies, do these ring a bell when talking with your spouse? If so, good, it means he cares.
The issue is that my husband carries out discussions differently than I do. He would like nothing more than to help me SOLVE the problem that I have. He would like nothing more than to alleviate any pain or suffering that I am going through. The last thing he wants is to see me cry. It rips him apart. He cares about me so much that he would like to end all of my tears now and forever. He would like to end my anger asap. Please realize that when your husband tries to "fix" your problem, he is doing it out of love. It's his natural reaction to seeing you go through something difficult. He wants to end your difficulties and help you begin your happiness. In a way he wants to be your hero. He would like to carry you through the door to happiness. Cheesy yet? The difficulty is helping ladies to understand that fixing the problem is the goal of their husband. It's not to harm you or end the conversation early (most of the time).
So how do husbands and wives, that deal with the same conversation in two different ways, talk to each other? My husband and I got in lots of arguments before we developed a "routine" for how conversations (that I initiate) flow. They generally are either "problem solving" conversations or "listening activities."
I'm guessing you already know how to handle the actual "problem solving" conversations. These are typical in our workplace or during interactions with others in the community. They may be typical with spouses as well. Like when I say "Honey, can you get the crock pot down from that upper cabinet," then he says, "I'd be happy to (whereby he comes into the kitchen and preforms the task immediately...or not)"
But the meat of this post (can you tell I'm making a crock pot dinner?) is about "listening activity" conversations. Husbands, we are looking for you to understand us when we tell you about an issue or problem. I want him to sympathize with me. I want him to listen to me and NOT try to solve the problem. Even though I'm frustrated about something, he is typically not going to alleviate my emotion by doing/fixing/or changing anything. What I want (and what most of my girlfriends are looking for) is relation. Sitting with me, making eye contact, etc. I don't want my husband to BECOME one of my girlfriends, I just want to share my deeper emotions with him and have him be the one I go to when I'm upset.
Both my husband and I error on the practical side (not sure he'd agree with that description), so he has actually said in conversation, "Wait, is this a listening activity?". Or, during conversations where he starts to problem solve I'll tell him I'm looking for him to do more listening than problem solving. It really works well for us and just takes a second for you both to pause the conversation and make sure you're on the right page.
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