Since we are discussing grammar, it might help to start by saying that love is defined in many ways. However, the most common American understanding of love can be seen played out in TV shows, movies, and songs. The shows and movies suggest that love is something that we wait around for. Something mysterious. Something we look for and may not find. Something that can end without any idea why it ended. Something that hits us upside the head when it finds us.
Initial "falling" in love is described by some researchers as "passionate" love and generally lasts from 6-30 months. The love that comes after that is known as "compassionate" love. Although there can be variations with how these types of love work (i.e. arranged marriages, breakups) there is a general understanding by relationship researchers that these are stages that happen in most relationships.
When TV shows, songs, or movies address love...they usually refer to passionate love. It's hot, sexy, passionate, and entertaining...you might consider it as made for the movies. What is not captured though, during this first few months of a new relationship is what happens over time. Being honest, vulnerable, caring, and respectful of a mate is definitely NOT made for the movies primarily because it takes so much time to develop these characteristics within a relationship.
Although most Americans can see that these lasting values are probably necessary for a marriage, I think we've been confused about how to move from the passionate love to the compassionate love stage or how to operate once we are in the compassionate love stage. Based on the movies, it's very easy to feel that if your spouse is not "making you feel" passionate love, that your relationship is doomed. I think many couples look up after a few years of marriage and realize that they are not feeling those passionate feelings and suddenly wonder if they've "chosen" the right person. Or they wonder if they've "fallen" out of love. But....falling out of love is actually a choice.
My argument is that love is a verb. Love is choice. Love is an action (or inaction). If you have "fallen" out of love, then it has been due to a series of choices you and your partner made over a period of time. The choices that we have to make regarding love come every day, multiple times a day. We can make the right choice (to choose love) or the wrong choice. For example, you wake up and roll over. Your mate isn't turning off the alarm clock right away and you get annoyed. You can react in positive way or in a negative way. This seemingly tiny choice can have major consequences when played out over many years. Or, when your spouse is talking with you about their bad day and you choose to answer your cell phone instead of listening. Love is when you react to your spouse in a respectful way. In an attentive way. Every time you interact with your spouse you have a choice to choose to create more love in the relationship.
Just as a muscle builds over time, so does a good relationship. But, when muscles are not used (over a long period of time) they shrink. When you react in an unloving way to your spouse many times over a long time period, you have chosen to create less love in the relationship. The relationship starts to shrink. The choice to work out 5 days a week pays off...over time. And when you miss a day in the gym, you're body is just fine. Likewise a relationship can handle a bad day, month, or even a bad year when it has been worked on daily.
Just as there is no quick way to build muscle...a solid relationship is developed over time by making the right choice most of the time. Tolstoy's quote is fitting, "All happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." It's easier to describe what works for a relationship, rather than what won't work. Making choices regularly that are mentioned in this post will lead to a healthier relationship. And it's not because I have all the answers, but because basic principles remain true.
It's a choice to respond respectfully to your mate instead of sarcastically. It's a choice to have sex. It's a choice to share with your mate how much you spent. It' s a choice to share a difficult childhood experience with your partner. It's a choice to spend time doing what they want to do. It's a choice to give them a gift, write them a love note, be honest, be vulnerable, spend time with their friends, let them see you cry, praise them, share a bank account, argue fairly, seek advice from them, trust them, react positively, enjoy their presence, engage them, show interest in them, say the right thing when they said the wrong thing, etc.
If you are still in the passionate love stage I encourage you use your emotions as a jumping off point for making some of the above choices. If you start choosing to love your spouse in the passionate love stage then it will be very easy to transition to compassionate love.
If you are beyond the passionate love stage and have not found your footing in the compassionate love stage, then I encourage you to start reacting positively to your partner. Here is a post on 2 more specific things you can do to build compassionate love. Women, here is a post specifically about the words you use with your husbands. Here is a post to help you learn to agree about money...something that builds love without a doubt.
I promise you it's worth it. Making the choice to love your partner over and over again will allow you to have an incredibly complex, respectful, and connected relationship. If passionate love is like an apple seed than compassionate love is like having the whole apple tree. One that grows strong and deep.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Arguing - Choose Wisely
The other day my hubby and I got into a huge argument. It was surprising and different than normal. It was different because we were in a car with another couple (close friends). It was surprising because it got out of control.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
We are generally pretty good at fighting. We can usually calm ourselves enough to have a heated but true discussion on topics we don't agree about. We often will catch ourselves and one of us will turn the heat down a notch mid-argument. This sets in motion a lowering of voices and actual listening to each other. One of us is usually able to throw an argument-deflater into the conversation. This helps dramatically because we are able to talk about exactly what is bothering us, see where we went wrong, then talk about how we will change it. I leave arguments feeling heard and like we have a solution.
Back to the car, this argument went differently. Instead of one of us catching ourselves and throwing in an argument deflating comment, we both cranked it up a notch with each phrase. I would raise my voice and so would he. He would say something mean and then I would to. I would say something to protect my ego and so would he.
You should know something about me. I'm an extrovert. How others view me is important to me, to some extent. Although I believe being "real" or honest is important, it's also important not to put everything (such as a major argument) out there for everyone to see. Mainly, because it can change the course of the argument...as it did for us the other day.
The main problem was that we were fighting in front of our friends. Instead of him saying something and then me hearing it and thinking through what I wanted to say....I would hear it and then throw something back at him. Or, I would hear it and immediately say something to protect my ego or my reputation. The argument wandered down such a different path because we were in front of others we cared about. Instead of focusing on what he was saying, I was focusing on how it was being perceived by others in the car. What he was saying didn't matter as much to me as making sure he didn't say something about me that distorted who I really was. This left us both feeling ugly, mean, and not heard.
I think we learned our lesson. Fighting is best done in a ring (at home) where you can put on your boxing gloves and have a safe fight.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Gratituesday - Leaky Pipes
My husband is traveling for work this week. That means a lot falls on my shoulders this week that he usually does around the house.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Last night I came home to find that my kitchen sink was leaking. Luckily, we keep a small garbage can under our sink for cans and bottles. Our pipes leaked most of the water into that little garbage can! Unfortunately, I had to truly get in there and examine the pipe. That meant changing out of my nice clothes, putting on dirty clothes, finding "dirty job" gloves, and calling my husband to ask questions.
I got on my hand and knees and got to work last night. Today I will likely have to go to Menards (our hardware store), find a new piece of pipe, and change out the old pipe. Can I do this? Haha, I can try. I plan to take a picture of the pipe with my phone and show the guy at Menards. Perhaps, I should take a pen and pad to take notes on:)
Having to do all these extra chores around the house makes me appreciate what my husband does even more. I'm thankful for his handy work on this fine Grati-Tuesday.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Vulnerability in Marriage - Part II
Part II (You can read Part I here)
The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.
Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.
I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.
There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body, if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.
If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.
What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.
I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.
The thing that I didn't know before marriage was that being vulnerable is what allows us to get closer to others. As children we are completely vulnerable and have to rely on our parents for food and love. The bond that forms is a strong one.
Similarly, when learning to ride a bike, if you don't go "all out" and peddle forward, you will fall. Think about the first time you actually rode your bike. I remember it. I was peddling and my dad let go without me knowing. I looked back and he was five feet away from me. What if my dad had asked me, "Can I let go now?", I would have said "NO." After getting hurt in love you might be tempted to say "NO, not again." Or, you might not want to let go (of a bad relationship) in the first place, knowing how much it will hurt.
I believe being vulnerable in a marriage is necessary for a thriving, healthy relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy though.
There are ways vulnerability in marriage can cause pain. You might feel vulnerable or exposed if your spouse makes more money than you do, if your spouse doesn't allow you to share your real emotions with them, if they divorce you, if they look at porn and can't appreciate your body, if they make you feel as if they are only looking out for themselves, if they never sacrifice anything for you, etc. There are many ways that being vulnerable with a spouse can become harmful. Seeing these types of issues play out in the media does not make it any easier to be open with a spouse.
If you are human than you are vulnerable. My argument is for allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in your marriage, despite the risks involved.
What about other areas in life, should we be vulnerable/open? Seth Godin and Steve Jobs have some similar ideas about being vulnerable enough to fail, perhaps, before you succeed. Similar to marriage, it's worth it to open up to the point where you may fail or get hurt.
I'm convinced that vulnerability has its place in life and in a healthy marriage. This make take shape in sharing a bank account, having sex (if you're nervous to take it all off or if you're trying something new), trusting your spouse enough to let them see all of your spending or savings, letting your spouse know about a traumatic childhood situation, having your spouse help you when you are sick, letting them know your dreams (even if you aren't sure they will come true), letting them see you cry, etc. Being exposed and vulnerable has allowed me to become much closer to my husband. I believe we have started to grow together because we've gone through the difficult moments where we have exposed who we "really" are to each other. We took the plunge and became exposed to each other in big chunks and in small ways. With each new layer that is revealed we become closer and we have begun to morph into something greater than 2 married people that coexist. Without being open to getting hurt you may not be open to the deepest parts of a marital relationship.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Vulnerability in Marriage - Part I
Part I (You can read Part II here)
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.
Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.
One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.
For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.
Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.
Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).
Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.
These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II is coming soon.
I was having a conversation the other day with a friend who is single. She reminded me of how I once felt about marriage and about myself. My views have taken some dramatic turns in the last couple years. One of those turns is that I now realize being vulnerable has its place in life and marriage.
Being vulnerable is usually considered a bad thing in our culture. I would like to argue for vulnerability. Think about how a child is vulnerable to his or her loving parents and of the bond that is formed. Think of a man telling a woman he loves her for the first time. I understand these things can go poorly though. Parents can hurt their children and we can become broken from unrequited love. Our culture tries to fight against the possibility of EVER failing or getting hurt. I also took the bait and grew up believing that if I got hurt it was only my fault. Therefore, I should protect myself emotionally, financially, and physically.
One of my biggest fears before getting married (or even before meeting my husband) was the "fact" that I would get divorced some day. No, I didn't want to get divorced. I actually spent most of my life studying relationships just so I wouldn't get divorced. But, I thought the odds were not in my favor. I assumed that 50% of us would all get divorced. Since I have divorced parents, I easily saw how I could be part of that 50%. This notion played itself out in many (potentially damaging) ways.
For one, I "knew" I had to find a career where I could provide for myself. Just in case I would experience that divorce I feared. I became unwilling to rely at all on a future husband for any financial support. At one time in my life (before I even met my husband) I wondered if I shouldn't put my career before my marriage...in case my husband left me. I didn't want to be one of those "homemakers" who has nothing when her husband leaves her. Protect, protect, protect. Build an impenetrable wall.....these were all thoughts that flew through my head consciously or sub-consciously.
Two, I believed I needed to protect myself emotionally. I thought that I would benefit from not opening up fully. I learned how to protect my deepest emotions from bubbling up to the surface. For example, the first time I saw my husband I knew I needed to figure out how to meet him. I wound up introducing myself to his group of friends. They in turn introduced me to him. Even though it only took me one look to know I was attracted to him, I still had trouble (2 weeks later) deciding to date only him. I was so nervous that I would get hurt...again. I did not want to make myself vulnerable.
Three, I thought I could somehow live an individual life while being married. I thought we would each have our careers and come home to our house at night. I thought that my wishes and goals should have at least as much weight in our lives as his, if not more (with an emphasis on more).
Four. I thought that sacrifice was something women used to do in the 1950’s and before so they could make their marriages work. I thought that if we had a “good” marriage there wouldn’t have to be sacrifice on either of our parts. I'm pretty sure there were movies and songs generating this idea, that sacrifice is wrong/bad/evil. Even though I was willing, at the drop of a hat, to sacrifice a good test grade to stay up with a brokenhearted friend all night...I thought it was ridiculous that I might have to sacrifice anything for my future husband.
These were damaging thoughts that prevented me from moving in the right direction when I did get married. Slowly, these cultural notions have begun to slip away. I will continue to write about vulnerability in marriage in my next post. Part II is coming soon.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What I Know for Sure About Marriage
Disclaimer: Mom, don't read this post.
At 27 I know of two certainties regarding a happy, healthy marriage.
1. Agree about Money
This is no easy task. This can take months and years to figure out. It's a process. But, I encourage you to go for it. It is ever so important that you figure out how to agree about money. When you do, you will find peace with your spouse on a majority of issues. Further, you will find that your spouse and you are united on a a major front. Money touches almost every area of our lives in America. Money is something you use many times a day. If you can find agreement on money you will become a team, ganging up on the outside world and on your debt. In this post I discuss our system for paying back our debt. It really took a long time for us to get on board with recognizing that we needed to agree on money. The system we use allows us to set goals and make them happen, as a couple.
2. Have Sex
Having sex is one of the surest ways I know to have a healthy marriage. For a long time I thought that sex was just sex. It was simply a biological want (not a need) for my husband. I thought that for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have a new shirt. I thought for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have some great chocolate. Neither of these (clothes or chocolate) are a need. I thought sex was just a typical want for my husband.
Boy was I wrong. This book helped me to realize how he thinks about sex. After reading this book I started to realize that sex for him is like an emotional connection for me. He NEEDS to have sex to feel loved, it's not a want. How often do you need your husband to say or show that he loves you? I would prefer to hear or see that every day. How often do you need him to listen to you and connect emotionally? Again, I need this just about every day. Can you imagine what would happen to a relationship if the husband only listened and connected emotionally once a week or once a month? What would happen to the marriage if the husband only said "I Love You" once a year?
A similar breakdown happens for the relationship when the husband only gets to have sex once a week/month/year.
It's probably worth it to say there are times when you likely don't feel like your husband "deserves" sex. This is getting into deep water and I wish I could write a book on just this topic...maybe I will someday. But in short, I would suggest trying to have sex regardless of whether he has been the wonderful, loving husband you expect or something else:) Do this knowing he probably has tried to emotionally connect with you when you weren't being the most wonderful, caring wife you could be either.
There are many reasons why a woman might not want to have sex regularly, which I don't address here. For me it was a game changer to find out it's not just a want (like my new shirt) its a NEED. Having sex with my husband is how he understands that I love him. This is something I know for sure about marriage.
At 27 I know of two certainties regarding a happy, healthy marriage.
1. Agree about Money
This is no easy task. This can take months and years to figure out. It's a process. But, I encourage you to go for it. It is ever so important that you figure out how to agree about money. When you do, you will find peace with your spouse on a majority of issues. Further, you will find that your spouse and you are united on a a major front. Money touches almost every area of our lives in America. Money is something you use many times a day. If you can find agreement on money you will become a team, ganging up on the outside world and on your debt. In this post I discuss our system for paying back our debt. It really took a long time for us to get on board with recognizing that we needed to agree on money. The system we use allows us to set goals and make them happen, as a couple.
2. Have Sex
Having sex is one of the surest ways I know to have a healthy marriage. For a long time I thought that sex was just sex. It was simply a biological want (not a need) for my husband. I thought that for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have a new shirt. I thought for him, wanting to have sex was like me wanting to have some great chocolate. Neither of these (clothes or chocolate) are a need. I thought sex was just a typical want for my husband.
Boy was I wrong. This book helped me to realize how he thinks about sex. After reading this book I started to realize that sex for him is like an emotional connection for me. He NEEDS to have sex to feel loved, it's not a want. How often do you need your husband to say or show that he loves you? I would prefer to hear or see that every day. How often do you need him to listen to you and connect emotionally? Again, I need this just about every day. Can you imagine what would happen to a relationship if the husband only listened and connected emotionally once a week or once a month? What would happen to the marriage if the husband only said "I Love You" once a year?
A similar breakdown happens for the relationship when the husband only gets to have sex once a week/month/year.
It's probably worth it to say there are times when you likely don't feel like your husband "deserves" sex. This is getting into deep water and I wish I could write a book on just this topic...maybe I will someday. But in short, I would suggest trying to have sex regardless of whether he has been the wonderful, loving husband you expect or something else:) Do this knowing he probably has tried to emotionally connect with you when you weren't being the most wonderful, caring wife you could be either.
There are many reasons why a woman might not want to have sex regularly, which I don't address here. For me it was a game changer to find out it's not just a want (like my new shirt) its a NEED. Having sex with my husband is how he understands that I love him. This is something I know for sure about marriage.
Us at a wedding this summer. Comment
not necessary.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Gratituesday - Thesis is Finished
I'm so thankful to be done with my thesis.
I went to graduate school to study sociology. I had to write a thesis (aka: short book) in order to earn my degree. This was a painfully long and difficult task. It took me about 3 and a half years from start to finish. My grandma compared it to pregnancy...with all the difficulties and with knowing the long process it took to deliver. Thank goodness it has arrived.
I actually finished the paper/book back in December 2010. Even today I catch myself reflecting on how glad I am to be done. I learned a lot about myself a long the way.
I learned that I need mentors in my life. My amazing mentor/professor helped me at every step. She encouraged me, gave me deadlines, asked thought-provoking questions, praised my work, and much more. I now know I need someone who has been where I am, and that has gone in a direction I would like to go in. I need friends that are a few steps ahead of me and friends that are way ahead of me... to guide me in the right direction. It is vital for me to have a variety of people in my life that have succeeded at doing the things I want to do.
I have to take one day at a time. Often along the process, I felt overwhelmed about the huge task that lay before me. I would sit down to work on my paper and find my mind wandering to the day I would finish. That day felt like it was light years away. I had a hard time figuring out what to put on page one, let alone page 100. I could not imagine my finished product very well. I had a hard time seeing what the finished paper would look like. Towards the end of the project I sped up because I was able to take one day at a time and break the project into tiny slivers of work.
I like short projects. I am a very creative person. I have ideas flowing out of me all the time. Unfortunately, I couldn't utilize this skill very often when writing my thesis. A thesis requires a lot of intense work on the same paragraph you just spent an hour on. My creative juices were either under-utilized or totally shot...I'm not sure which...from working so hard on just one paragraph at a time. I now look for jobs/projects that can be finished in obvious smaller portions or in shorter periods of time (under 6 months).
Often when I am at my job, I am so thankful I'm not sitting in a coffee shop writing my thesis!
I went to graduate school to study sociology. I had to write a thesis (aka: short book) in order to earn my degree. This was a painfully long and difficult task. It took me about 3 and a half years from start to finish. My grandma compared it to pregnancy...with all the difficulties and with knowing the long process it took to deliver. Thank goodness it has arrived.
I actually finished the paper/book back in December 2010. Even today I catch myself reflecting on how glad I am to be done. I learned a lot about myself a long the way.
I learned that I need mentors in my life. My amazing mentor/professor helped me at every step. She encouraged me, gave me deadlines, asked thought-provoking questions, praised my work, and much more. I now know I need someone who has been where I am, and that has gone in a direction I would like to go in. I need friends that are a few steps ahead of me and friends that are way ahead of me... to guide me in the right direction. It is vital for me to have a variety of people in my life that have succeeded at doing the things I want to do.
I have to take one day at a time. Often along the process, I felt overwhelmed about the huge task that lay before me. I would sit down to work on my paper and find my mind wandering to the day I would finish. That day felt like it was light years away. I had a hard time figuring out what to put on page one, let alone page 100. I could not imagine my finished product very well. I had a hard time seeing what the finished paper would look like. Towards the end of the project I sped up because I was able to take one day at a time and break the project into tiny slivers of work.
I like short projects. I am a very creative person. I have ideas flowing out of me all the time. Unfortunately, I couldn't utilize this skill very often when writing my thesis. A thesis requires a lot of intense work on the same paragraph you just spent an hour on. My creative juices were either under-utilized or totally shot...I'm not sure which...from working so hard on just one paragraph at a time. I now look for jobs/projects that can be finished in obvious smaller portions or in shorter periods of time (under 6 months).
Often when I am at my job, I am so thankful I'm not sitting in a coffee shop writing my thesis!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)